I was at the con this weekend, too, and I've been struggling with the same feelings you have, because, as I said to some friends, it was very clear to me after hearing him speak that James just. doesn't. get. Spike. My personal opinion is that the AR really damaged his conception of the character, leaving him in a place where he can no longer accept the possibility of redemption or goodness in him, at least as regards any relationship with Buffy. I think he's totally off base (for a million reasons, starting with what motivated the attack, what rape really is, the fact that he used it as a springboard for an amazing transformation, and, yes, rape is awful, but other things are worse), and I would love to sit him in a room and recite him chapter and verse as to where--other than his acting, for which he now seems to blame himself--the character's journey was limned. But in the end, I just have to accept that, despite his talent, he has no real sense of the story he was serving--which fits with his own stated belief that actors are there to recite the pretty words and hit their marks, not understand the big picture--so his opinion as to how he played a particular scene has merit, but his opinion of what the scenes meant when all put together has none. Still, it was both frustrating and hurtful to hear him, I have to admit.