I don't think he's ever comfortable with it, though, and I don't think it's his first choice. The examples you cite both came after he'd tried quite a few other options and found them unsuccessful, and so was trying to please the woman based on what he guessed she'd like/find effective. Like, begging and pleading for Dru to come back to him didn't work, so he finally decided to show her that he was still "evil enough" and to emulate Angel, the dominant one, who Dru really wanted. But he was shaping himself to please her, torturing her because it's what she wanted. Same with the Dead Things balcony scene: he'd tried sitting with her quietly, he'd tried listening and being supportive, he'd tried to get her to open up, he'd tried "we have to talk," he'd tried "if I can't have all of you, I'd rather--," etc. So he tried turning the tables, being dominant as Dru used to want, and as Buffy was treating him. But it wasn't his first choice, and it wasn't all that natural--it didn't really fit with his behavior before or after.
You're right about the protector thing, though. He protects, but not in a dominating way. He doesn't try to make their choices for them, like Angel would, "for her own good." He's more likely to just listen and be there and do whatever she tells him to do, rather than telling her what to do.
make it about courage and a stubborn sense of self instead of resignation and submission
Yes, exactly. I don't know a thing about torture in RL and I really don't want to know. But I can appreciate it fic if it's used as you describe, like in Intervention.
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I don't think he's ever comfortable with it, though, and I don't think it's his first choice. The examples you cite both came after he'd tried quite a few other options and found them unsuccessful, and so was trying to please the woman based on what he guessed she'd like/find effective. Like, begging and pleading for Dru to come back to him didn't work, so he finally decided to show her that he was still "evil enough" and to emulate Angel, the dominant one, who Dru really wanted. But he was shaping himself to please her, torturing her because it's what she wanted. Same with the Dead Things balcony scene: he'd tried sitting with her quietly, he'd tried listening and being supportive, he'd tried to get her to open up, he'd tried "we have to talk," he'd tried "if I can't have all of you, I'd rather--," etc. So he tried turning the tables, being dominant as Dru used to want, and as Buffy was treating him. But it wasn't his first choice, and it wasn't all that natural--it didn't really fit with his behavior before or after.
You're right about the protector thing, though. He protects, but not in a dominating way. He doesn't try to make their choices for them, like Angel would, "for her own good." He's more likely to just listen and be there and do whatever she tells him to do, rather than telling her what to do.
make it about courage and a stubborn sense of self instead of resignation and submission
Yes, exactly. I don't know a thing about torture in RL and I really don't want to know. But I can appreciate it fic if it's used as you describe, like in Intervention.