Am I fanwanking? Yeah, to a large extent I am, and I thank you for pointing that out.

I do, however, not think that it is as simple as seeing things on the screen. Not only does every viewer bring their own baggage to viewings of the show, but that baggage will cause the same thing to be viewed differently each time: Was it rape? Was it a man pushed beyond his limits? Was it domestic abuse? Was it Buffy striking out at the badness in her life?

There are no hard and fast answers. Personally, I barely watch the show any more. I read fanfic. I write fanfic. I don't actually enjoy rewatching the show since it ended. Does this forever skew me into fanon? Maybe. So maybe I shouldn't be weighing in on this. But I really think that just because it wasn't explicitly on the screen doesn't mean it wasn't there.

How could Tara's death NOT affect Buffy? We are presented characters as growing individuals. People. Things in their lives affect them, whether it's shown on-screen or not. If Holden is allowed to present his one-sided version of who Buffy is, if Marti Noxon is, if Joss is, and if they all collide, why not me or you, too?

Does that make sense?