I’m trying to figure out how Dean fits in with my various OTCs

[rusty_halo]

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I'm on my third Supernatural rewatch, this time just focusing on the highlights. It's a much better and more coherent show this way, watching the concentrated good story and skipping the MoTWs and bad episodes. It's also maybe a combination of tighter focus on Dean's story or the fact that I'm skipping the more faily character moments or just the amount of time that I've lived with the character in my head, but I am starting to really love Dean. Like, on the first two watches, when Dean was hurting I was all "Yay, angst! He's so pretty when he cries!" and now I'm all... wait... actually empathetically hurting for him, and wanting him to not hurt. Last night I watched "What Is and What Should Never Be" and "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2" and, oh my god, you guys, these episodes killed me. It really hurts now when Dean cries!

After watching a set of episodes focused on how much Dean loves Sam and needs Sam and pretty much considers the entire purpose of his life to be protect Sam, his complete brokenness at Sam's death is just the most painful thing. There's no way the show can ever top that, no matter how big the mythology gets, because Dean weeping over Sam's corpse hits at the most core aspect of the character in the most powerful way possible.

(I'm definitely finding the first two seasons to be more moving and less offensive and to have the most rewatch value compared to what comes later.)

And "What Is and What Should Never Be" gets me more each time I watch it. The first time I was frustrated by it, because once Dean knew the happy AU wasn't real, that he was really just hanging catatonic in some warehouse having his blood drained, I had a hard time taking seriously that he'd be tempted to stay. But the second time, after realizing just how broken and fucked-up Dean is in season two, it actually made so much sense.

Dean wants to leave the AU when he thinks it's real because he thinks killing the djinn will bring back all the people that he, Sam, and John would have saved--he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness for all those other people. But when he finds out that all those people are fine no matter what he does, he's more tempted to stay, even though he knows it's a fake world. He's that unhappy--he'd almost rather die than go back to his life, to feeling responsible for his father's death and carrying the burden of potentially having to kill Sam. The first time I saw the episode I didn't really get why the voices of all Dean's (imaginary) loved ones were begging him to stay in the AU, but in retrospect they're voices coming from Dean's own subconscious, the part of Dean that would prefer falsehood and death to reality. Which ties in perfectly with "Dream a Little Dream of Me"--Dean literally is his own worst enemy.

Oh my god, you guys, I just love him.

I've been contemplating a post about the archetypal traits of my OTCs and how Dean fits in, but I haven't got it well-thought out yet. Dean has a lot in common with certain characters I loathe, like Jack Harkness or Angel, but something about him bypasses whatever squicks me about them--it's something about Dean's immense vulnerability, his insecurity, his ability to care without being condescending (Sam's got the condescension covered :P), and the way that his angst is more often focused on other people rather than on himself. One of my favorite Dean moments is when Sam says "I wish I could have that kind of innocence" and Dean says "If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too." Because it's Dean who has had his innocence shattered even more than Sam has, but Dean doesn't even see how damaged he is--he hurts for the person he loves rather than for himself.

I think it's also that when Dean does get self-pitying, it's usually presented as a weakness or as him just being human, not as some ~Great Emo Manpain~ thing that we're all supposed to bow down to like no one else has ever suffered before. And just that in general, the text presents Dean as fucked-up and doesn't try to shove his heroism down the audience's throats--which of course makes me way more sympathetic to him and more likely to admire his heroism.

I don't know--I realize a lot of this is subjective, but with the angsty characters I hate, it's usually because when they get that faraway look in their eyes, they're thinking about how the crappiness of the world sucks for them, whereas with characters like Dean they're actually feeling for other characters who have suffered, not just thinking about themselves.

(Like, to compare with a show I just watched--Max and Logan drove me so crazy because their ~angsty emo moments~ were all about feeling sorry for themselves because they couldn't be together, because they couldn't get what they wanted. Instead of aching for them, I wanted to slap them into self-awareness--they're in a world surrounding by people who are suffering worse than they are.)

I'm trying to think what other Dean traits mesh with those of my various OTCs--he hides his feelings from himself and others, a lot of his humor is a self-protective facade but he also is genuinely funny and capable of seeing the world with a sense of humor, he feels very deeply, he's charismatic and pretty (sorry, shallow!), he's a social outsider, he has an unusual set of ethical standards but he's strong about holding himself to them, he is so constantly focused on being strong for others even when he's falling apart inside, he's so afraid of being alone, he doesn't believe he deserves to be loved. The main thing he lacks is the devious/machiavellian traits I'm often (but not always) drawn to--in that respect he's more like Spike or Logan Echolls or early!Jaime Lannister than like Lymond or Methos or Brian Kinney.

Dean really reminds me of Lymond in that "he'll take all the burdens onto himself and not tell anyone he's suffering" way, and in the "he puts on the mask of being an unbearable asshole to hide his ~deep inner pain~" way. (Although I'd say Dean is probably quite of a bit more of an actual asshole than Lymond is. I'm skipping over a lot of Dean's more egregious moments because they detract from my ability to adore him, but of course I know they're there even if I fast-forward. And what particularly bothers me is that I don't think the show realizes how much Dean's sexism is a flaw that hurts other people and not just a funny "boys will be boys" thing or a serious-because-it-sucks-for-Dean-that-he's-incapable-of-real-intimacy thing. Although part of the issue is separating what's a flaw in Dean-the-character versus what's a flaw in the [sexist, racist, homophobic, ableist] universe he inhabits.)

Incidentally, Alec from Dark Angel is even more Lymond-like, in an odd way because it's largely the synthesis of canon and fanon that makes him so. Lymond is often presented from an outside point of view as a dangerous, irresponsible, selfish pest, before his deep utter woobiedom and martyrdom and heroism are revealed with a whoosh and the POV character changes their opinion and comes to adore him. Dark Angel pretty much gives us the first half of that with Alec, the annoying pest part, with just enough of the woobiedom for fanfic writers to seize upon and give us the second half, to revel in how misunderstood and tragic and wonderful he is. Alec's also got that devious side, and the ridiculous prettiness, and the surprising youth, and the superhuman abilities (Lymond is technically human, but, c'mon, considering the absurd feats he pulls off, he's got more in common with a superpowered genetic freak than an average human being--hell, he's even specially bred if you buy that whole Dame de Doubtance thing).

Man, Lymond is so my ur-OTC... everything stands or falls in comparison to him.

(Wait, wasn't this post supposed to be about Dean? Oops.)

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.