It's not just the bad writing...

[rusty_halo]

I watched the first four episodes of Torchwood straight through for the first time, mainly because I think it's wrong to complain about something if you haven't actually seen it. (I've seen a lot of the series, but mostly in snippets or in the background while doing something else.)

Let's see...

Episode one:

* I can't believe that Jack is going around wiping people's memories! And after whining about the two years of his life that were erased by the Time Agency! Double standard, much?

* I do think it's awesome that the word "retcon" is part of their canon. I'm sure its inspired lots of interesting meta about the circle of fandom; source texts feeding fandoms feeding source texts (which then feed the fandoms some more... it's neat!) Dammit, this show has so many cool meta elements; why can't it actually be a good show???

* Owen. Oh my god. That is basically date rape, and I get the feeling that the writer had no idea how serious it is. Like we're just supposed to laugh and shrug it off and be like, yeah, boys will be boys??

* Bisexuality is not hot when it's basically date rape. And ewwww, Owen! It also doesn't help that he looks like a lizard.

* Owen is such a nasty condescending little douche. Look, I like snarky characters as much as the next fangirl, but they have to have *wit*. Just being an asshole doesn't count.

* Um, Doctor references. I like those. Look, the Doctor's hand! Look, Jack mentioned him!

* Torchwood is repulsive. Seriously. Tons of power and no oversight, and not even any real conception that this might come with some kind of responsibility?? Doesn't anyone else see how dangerous this is? I get that the premiere was kind of setting it up like, yeah, Torchwood is screwed up and lovely compassionate Gwen is going to come in and try to fix things, but I don't think they realize how completely repulsive the whole concept of the place is. I don't think it should be fixed; I think it should be burned to the ground.

* Gwen's so cute. She really could do better than that doofus she's dating.

* It's funny to see how much the show focuses on Gwen. I knew it did, but from all the fic I read, I was still expecting it to be about Jack having sex with lots of people. Especially Ianto and the Doctor. Wouldn't this show be so much better if the Doctor was in it, telling these people how stupid they are and fixing everything? Except I wouldn't want him to be tainted by the crappiness of Torchwood.

And now, episode two:

* "Dump a body and make it look like a suicide"?? What the hell, Jack? What's wrong with you?

* What is all this "figuring out alien technology for the good of the human race" nonsense? Jack's not even supposed to *be* here. Who knows what timelines he's screwing up, giving humanity powers that it's not supposed to have. Powers that it *obviously* has no fucking clue how to handle, given the Torchwood crew as an example. No wonder I've read so much fanfic where the Doctor barges in and throws a fit about what they're doing.

* Most of the problems that happen to these people are their own damn fault. Literally. I wonder if the progress they're making in obtaining alien weapons is counteracted by all the problems they've caused? Maybe they're moving humanity forwards and backwards simultaneously, thus ending up back where they started and (completely by accident) *not* fucking up the timelime of human progress?

* The look Tosh gives Gwen at her "quaint" mention of civil liberties. WTF, writers. Don't you understand that these people are repulsive?

* Ewww, I hate Owen. And what is with them all gawking while Gwen's life is in danger? How did these incompetent idiots get this much power??

* Gwen, you probably should've asked about the hours before you took the job. I have no sympathy.

* The Doctor's hand! Oh, Jack. Is it because you want the Doctor to tell you why you can't die, or is it just because you loooove him so much? Now I understand why gimme_the_jar exists.

* Um, all these sperm donors are "donating" at night? Can't this show even *try* to make sense?

* What's with the "sex is a meaningless drug that leaves you desperate and empty inside" metaphor? See, this is why I can't even get behind the "yay bisexuality" thing, because Torchwood has all kinds of issues about sex being sordid and ugly.

* Ahahaha at the UST between Jack and Gwen. Sorry, but I know the only one for Jack is the Doctor. (And the only one for the Doctor is the Master, so it'll never end well for Jack.)

* And more laughter at Jack being all mysterious. Torchwood must be a completely different experience if you haven't already seen him running around as a sidekick on Doctor Who.

Episode three:

* Um, did Gwen just pull out an alien thing and start randomly pushing buttons??? *headdesk*

* More with the sordid sex. Hmm, that evil killer is kind of cute. (Why do I frequently find myself thinking this while watching television? David Fury would not approve.)

* Is it wrong of me to get a sadistic thrill from watching Owen cry? Man, if anyone deserves it...

* It's good to see that Owen isn't a complete sociopath and has some capacity for empathy. Though it's probably just because the alien device literally forced him to feel what the victim was feeling.

* Oh, ew. Guns. Ew. Stuff like this makes me really appreciate the Doctor's refusal to carry one. And I love how he smacks Jack down in Utopia. Jack's casual violence is really creepy.

* Are we really supposed to care about the Jack/Gwen UST? Seriously?

* Did she just say "Bernie was blackmailing him" out loud??? AAAAAHHHHHH I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

* Hmmm, crazy old guy with a knife who wants to kill us. Let's go outside and meet him!

* Why's Gwen so upset about the death of the crazy old rapist/murderer who tried to kill her, again?

* Yay, Jack realizes that Torchwood's too incompetent to handle the future-seeing device. Too bad I know it's just for plot reasons; it'd be a pretty different show if they could see the future. Now if only Jack would realize that Torchwood is far too incompetent to *exist*....

* Oh, John Barrowman. I like you, and you're pretty, but why can't you be a better actor? Every line you say sounds like an actor reading a line. I'm not emotionally invested in anything that happens to Jack, because none of it feels real.

I already saw episode four on BBC America, so I'll skim it and share what I remember thinking:

* Ianto's cute. But after all that disaster, he'd be SO GODDAMN FIRED. What the hell is wrong with these people? Jack, you are the worst leader of a top-secret unaccountable government organization EVER.

* Ianto. Did it never occur to you to tell the only people scientifically equipped to help about your cybergirlfriend in the basement?

* Um, I'm pretty sure none of the Cybermen had high heels. And wouldn't it be faster to transplant a brain than cyberize a whole human body? But, no, they just can't resist showing off their sexy cyberwoman costume.

* Have I mentioned recently what a creep Owen is? And I'm pissed at Jack for laughing at his sexist rant that isn't even funny.

* This episode is just so damn creepy and fetishistic of the female body and weird and gross and awful.

* "Any doubt, shoot first"? Oh, Jack.

* Okay, I like the implication that Torchwood itself is responsible for Ianto not telling them about Lisa, because of their own "shoot first, ask questions later" policy. But I feel like I'm probably giving the writers more credit than they deserve for intending it.

* I guess the theme of this is "don't lose yourself in love," what with the whole "let's transplant my brain into your body and then we'll be complete!" and Ianto betraying his coworkers in favor of Lisa. I suppose this fits into the whole Torchwood sex is sordid and creepy thing, eh? Gwen and Rhys seem to be the exception; I can't *wait* to see what happens with them.

* "A cyberwoman's coming to kill us! Quick, let's all make out!" Ah, the distilled essence of Torchwood.

* "You hid yourself from us." Um, Jack, hypocritical much?

* "One day, I'll have the chance to save you, and I'll watch you suffer and die." "Anybody tries to stop me, I'll shoot them." "You're the biggest monster of all." Not that I particularly disagree with the sentiment, but can I just repeat: how the fuck is Ianto not SO UTTERLY FIRED? And how could he not QUIT? "Hey, Ianto, remember that time I left your girlfriend to get ripped apart by a pterodactyl? LOL, anyway, can you get me a fresh cup of tea?"

Conclusion: I cannot believe that I just wasted an entire evening watching Torchwood.

[Cross-posted to InsaneJournal]

Comments

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

Yep, you've pretty much summed up how I felt about those episodes. But oh my word, the cyberwoman was the WORST. And the sex alien episode seemed more like it was all about the writers saying "See! See! We're not Doctor Who! We have S-E-X!"

The frustrating part for me was that the show was ALMOST good, so I kept watching. And there was usually just enough there to make it interesting, but not enough to blow me away. But by the end of the first season, I'd quit liking any of the characters even a little. Note to the writers: It's great to give your characters flaws, but you have to give them strengths, too. And maybe make them likeable.

However, I do have some big hopes for the upcoming season, and not just because JM is going to be a guest star... I've read some interviews with the showrunners that seem to indicate they've picked up a clue about what was wrong with the first season. *crosses fingers*

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm a little hopeful about the second season. I guess that's why I'm catching up properly with the first.

The "oh, you just don't like flawed characters" dismissal really frustrates me, because I *love* flawed characters. My favorite character aside from the Doctor is the Master! At least the Master's intelligent and funny along with being a megalomaniacal sadist!

Nothing about the Torchwood characters makes me the slightest bit excited or interested. It's like, funnily enough, the opposite side of the coin as Martha; she's too flawless so she completely bores me. Either way it's like looking at a blank screen; a character that doesn't have enough depth to draw me in.

[rahirah]

Aw, come on, I still didn't hate Tosh by the end. That's mainly because she didn't have any personality to hate, but it's something!

[dalmeny]

I agree on almost all points and yet I somehow, guiltily, love the show. It's not rational, I know.

"Cyberwoman" is definitely the worst episode. I tried to rewatch it, but could only stand it long enough to see the fight with the pterodacytl.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

What do you love about it? I'm really curious. I'm trying to see the good in it, I swear!

[dalmeny]

You have to watch it with a certain attitude. Completely ignore the fact that the Torchwood crew are depicted as if they were heroes, and treat it as if you were watching some documentary or historical reconstruction cataloguing the appalling mistakes of these ghastly losers. Or view it as a satire on a pathologically dysfunctional goverment department given too much power and not enough oversight. Sometimes though, I have to watch it in the same way I watch bad old sf movies, in a state of near hysteria.

There are a couple of halfway-decent episodes, but in general I watch it as black, bleak comedy.

[dalmeny]

Also, Tosh is hot.

[marguerite-26.livejournal.com]

::sigh:: torchwood... it is so fucked up. All the major characters are so very fucked up.

But by FAR the worst ep to me is number 5, Countrycide. There are few things in fandom that I would like to wipe from my mind but that is the top of the list. Both horrible and horrifying. Ack!

That said, I loved a number of the later episodes enough to make it all worth it. "Captain Jack Harkness", the episode, was very very worth all the questionable plotlines and beyond quirkiness of the characters.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Oh boy, Countrycide's the next one up. (Y'know, if I keep watching.)

I keep hearing that the "Captain Jack Harkness" one is good; I actually am kind of looking forward to finally seeing it.

[marguerite-26.livejournal.com]

I 100% completely and totally recommend skipping Countrycide. But maybe horror and gore is your thing... it's not mine.

If you do manage to keep watching Random Shoes is another of my favs.

also I liked Out of Time (er... it's called something like that, anyway).

[dalmeny]

I found Countrycide to be one of the mediocre-but-serviceable episodes myself. Mileage does differ.

[10zlaine.livejournal.com]

There were a couple episodes playing on BBC the other night, so I tried to half-ass watch them in the background and I was totally not interested--I can't even tell you what it was about (and, dude, I was working on the bibliography...), because even the bit I've seen of him in Who is *so* not who he is in this show, which is just a limp and bleh show. Barrowman needs to be with actors who are actually fairly decent and can bring him up; else you are right, he's not strong enough on his own to lead. He's just fine if he's in the right mix and in a show with spirit.

Seriously, it is one of those shows that needs to be MST3K'd.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Hee. Yeah, Jane and I were thinking maybe we'd watch the new season together and MST3K it. It'd be a lot more tolerable that way. (Pretty much the only way I was even able to watch the first four episodes was by pausing it every five minutes to write something snarky in my LJ post. It's like the show will EAT YOUR BRAIN [in the bad way] if you don't have your snark defenses up.)

[jerrymcl89.livejournal.com]

The show did get better as the season went on, so perhaps the second season will be better. But I'd generally agree that the first part of the season was a complete train wreck.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I've got my fingers crossed. I WANT it to be better, dammit!

[herself_nyc]

Hahahahaha.
Yeah, writing: BAD.

[sparkledark.livejournal.com]

It's all true, I know. It's such a terrible show in so many ways, and yet I still love it. I wish I could tell you why, but I honestly don't know. I only know it hits me emotionally in a way that Who never does, and I've been a Who fan since I was twelve years old. I can tell you it does get better towards the end of the season, but it's never actually GOOD, and a lot of the time it makes no sense at all. It sounds like they were listening to fan complaints, though, and from everything I've read the second season looks to be a vast improvement.

[mikelesq.livejournal.com]

With the possible exception of Hex, this is probably the worst genre television I've ever seen come from the BBC. And, like Hex, I'll probably keep watching, waiting for the corner it'll never turn.

Every episode, it's like when George Costanza was trying to get fired from the Yankees on Seinfeld. All the characters keep doing these horrible, stupid, evil, selfish things, and they just never get thrown out of the clubhouse. If you're the only three teenagers who know the school's on a Hellmouth, or just so happened to be a passenger on the plane that crashed on the mystery island, sure, you're an amateur, and you're stuck, so you get to be an imbecile once in a blue moon. But these people supposedly collect a paycheck?!?!?

And you're right: Barrowman can't act. It's like he's reading the dialogue for an audiobook, with a forced glibness that's supposed to signal that it is dialogue. I expect him to end every sentence with "...Jack said, with a mysterious glint in his eye."