The difference? Now the writers *know* their show sucks.

[rusty_halo]

Oh, all right. My entire FL is infected with the brain-sucking Torchwood slug; looks like it got me too.

Torchwood 2x01:

* My first thought is that I'm worried for the poor fish. Did we ever figure out if Torchwood goes after aliens who are actually threatening, or just assumes that all aliens are inherently threatening? Wonder what would happen if they encountered the Doctor when Jack wasn't around. Would these people be any different than Yvonne Hartman?

* Haha, they're totally screwed without Jack. Ianto's cute, though. If you tied me down and forced me to choose a favorite Torchwood character (I guess the Doctor's severed hand doesn't count anymore since he took it back) I'd eventually break down and confess that it's Ianto. Which still doesn't mean that I actually like him.

* I like the lighter-hearted tone. As least they're not expecting us to take this crap seriously.

* Jack chose team Torchwood over THE DOCTOR. I know it's required for meta reasons and was already revealed in Doctor Who, but after seeing more of the first season of Torchwood I take this as proof that Jack has LOST HIS FUCKING MIND.

* Aww, look, it's School Hard Spike! Except he's all withered and wrinkly and brown now. :( I don't think that Marsters is a versatile actor, but he could do this part in his sleep.

* I can't resist a good Star Wars reference. Goddammit, Torchwood, you'd better not be trying to make me actually *like* you.

* Oh, all right, the slash scene is awesome. I just hate that it's on such a sucktastic show.

* Having the characters make constant references to how pretty they all are is not going to actually convince me that any of them are pretty. (Okay, Ianto. And maybe Jack in a boring Hollywood way.)

* Oh, you're not falling for that "dying promise" crap, are you? (Oh, good, they're not. I'll add this to the "improvement" column.)

* "No one else will have me"? Gwen, wtf, you just lost 50 points in my book. Poor Rhys. He doesn't deserve to get swept up in this Torchwood nonsense.

* Jack, you're such a whore. Also, I feel like the show is shoving the attractiveness of Gwen down our throats, because there's really no explicable reason why Jack would be so drawn to her.

* Ah, there's the Gwen I know. Back to being an idiot. John didn't even have to *do anything* to distract her.

* Ewww, is Owen flirting with Tosh? Why is everyone in this show such a whore? I know it's like, crazy fanservice insanity, everyone shipped with everyone, but I just have this quaint idea that there ought to be something that grows organically from the character relationships rather than just trying to shove in unearned UST everywhere. It's like the writers drew character names at random from a hat and decided to ship them based on that.

* Apparently while Jack was spending a year tied up and tormented by the Master, he was actually having extended fantasies about fucking everyone on his team. Jack, have you ever met *anyone* that you didn't want to sleep with?

* Aww, Jack asking Ianto out was sweet. (My shallowness on display: I don't mind the "everyone is a whore" thing when it brings together the only two characters I find attractive.) And don't tell me they didn't totally know that they were re-using a line from Doctor Who. "Are you asking me out on a date?" And he is! My slash goggles tell me that this is even more support for Doctor/Master as canon.

* Ianto is not cute enough to be called "eye candy." Part of the problem with this show is that they cast a bunch of unattractive people, wrote boring characters, and expect our main interest to be in their sex lives.

* "We should be out there among the stars, claiming them for our own"? Hahaha they are so ripping off Doctor/Master. This whole thing is just the subtext of the Doctor/Master relationship made text, except without any of the depth of feeling or awesomeness of acting. I WANT THE DOCTOR AND THE MASTER TO KISS LIKE THIS! IT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR.

* Awww, he's like the most annoying whiny ex *ever*.

* Owen, why not just go to the hospital? It can't be that hard to get out of there. Also, John, you are the worst shot ever. (I guess you could fanwank that John didn't want to irreversibly kill any of them, just in case Jack decided to join him.)

* Whoa, the team did something competent. I think Jack accidentally came back to the wrong universe; we're in Bizarro!Torchwood, where the team solves problems instead of creating them.

* Is it wrong that as soon as John swallowed the key, I would've killed him, cut out the key, unlocked Gwen, and dumped his corpse in the rift?

* A poodle? Man, it's not just Jack; people from the 51st century will fuck anything.

* Grey? Oh, that's cool. (Actually cool, not sarcastically cool.) It's smart for them to have a mystery that people who watch Doctor Who don't already *know*.

* Ewww, Martha. You think they'll give her another dimension for her new show? I don't think she'll ever be a three-dimensional character, but two dimensions would be better than one.

* Hey, I just realized that Owen didn't spew anything gratuitously nasty, unfunny, and sexist for an *entire episode*. They really are in Bizarro!Torchwood.

* Okay, at least the tone is much lighter. I'm glad they're having fun with all the stupid shit their characters do, instead of being grim and serious about it. But it's still like all the annoying technobabble and pointless side characters of Doctor Who, with sex added and interesting characters and plots removed.

* Weirdly, I'm worried that all this Torchwood-watching is going to negatively impact my viewing of Doctor Who. Thus far I've glossed over pretty much all of DW's flaws, but now that I know how these writers are likely to screw up, I think they'll be a lot more noticeable.

Oh well; as long as they've got David Tennant, I'll be enjoying myself. Now that's eye candy.

*off to scrub the Torchwood out of my brain with some Whofic*

[Cross-posted to InsaneJournal]

Comments

[redeem147.livejournal.com]

Don't worry. Chibnall doesn't write for DW.

And I loved the whole enchilada anyway.

James is not wrinkly. His eyes are blue and his lips are soft and... oh, there I go again.

Just posting as an excuse to use my new icon, when I should actually be sleeping.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Heee. I like the icon. And I liked that line! See, I don't hate everything.

Chibnall wrote "42," didn't he? I think there's been a fair amount of writer crossover.

[redeem147.livejournal.com]

You're right! I liked that one, and at the time was surprised he'd written it. Because I liked it. :)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I think I loved that one 90% because we got to see the Doctor all angsty and terrified and suffering.

But I also thought it was a genuinely good episode. I could've done without the "Just in case you've forgotten, Martha is still THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER!!!" nonsense, but otherwise I thought it created a great sense of place and atmosphere, that all the guest cast did well, and that the sun monster was genuinely disturbing. I always want to go splash my face with cold water after I see that episode.

[toysdream.livejournal.com]

I'd like to give you my personal thanks for brightening my day with this high-quality snark. The brain cells you're sacrificing here did not die in vain. :-)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm pleased to hear that my sacrifice served a higher cause.

[mylittleburden.livejournal.com]

even though i love torchwood, i really fucking love all your rants about it.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad people are reading them. It's the only way I can manage to watch the show without my brain exploding from the inanity.

[gobi-rex.livejournal.com]

I stopped watching the show early last season, and I'm really enjoying these rants. It sure beats wasting bandwidth and braincells. (Also, I saw clips from JM's appearance and I totally agree with your earlier comments)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I guess I don't mind the loss of brain cells that much, if it's for the purpose of amusing myself.

If I still thought JM was attractive as a person, I wouldn't mind that he's all wrinkly and old now. I'd probably be squeeing along with everyone else. But having seen what a--there is no other word--Hasselhoff-esque personality he has, there is just no possibility for attraction.

[gritkitty.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that as soon as John swallowed the key, I would've killed him, cut out the key, unlocked Gwen, and dumped his corpse in the rift?

I was hoping Jack would hack off his hand and shove him into the rift and free Gwen later with some savvy trick. That would have been cool. And boy, if so, wouldn't it be angsty to find out about this Grey person at the last moment.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Yeah! I'm an idiot; I didn't even think of hacking off his hand. I wish they'd done that!

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

To be fair to Jack, 10 was kinda a douche to him.

And I don't care if JM is wrinkly, I still squee! :)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Oh, Ten was totally a douche to him. He's still superior in every respect to the entire Torchwood team put together, though!

[queenofthorns.livejournal.com]

Heh! I am never, never, never going to watch this show - it sounds awful, not just based on your reviews, but even on the reviews of people who like it. That said, I hope you keep watching because your reviews are really amusing me :P

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I would definitely say that you are making the right choice in not watching Torchwood. (Although the canonical slash was kinda hot, and interesting for meta reasons. But you could YouTube that without having to taint your brain with the rest of the show.)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, and I love your Jaime icon.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Aww, look, it's School Hard Spike! Except he's all withered and wrinkly and brown now. :( I don't think that Marsters is a versatile actor, but he could do this part in his sleep.


Hee! Give the man credit for being a decade older and still looking okay. At least, he's more interesting-looking than the majority of the cast. I agree that they didn't cast people I'd really call 'pretty', for the most part. Tosh is okay and Jack is okay when he isn't looking all blank.

* Is it wrong that as soon as John swallowed the key, I would've killed him, cut out the key, unlocked Gwen, and dumped his corpse in the rift?

I didn't see why they weren't just cutting John's hand off. It would match the previous Star Wars reference. :)

It's like the writers drew character names at random from a hat and decided to ship them based on that.


*rotfl*

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

When I look at James Marsters, I see this.

*shudders*

I give him no credit for anything.

I didn't see why they weren't just cutting John's hand off. It would match the previous Star Wars reference. :)

Totally! I wish they had! They he could've had another reason to be all bitter at Jack when he comes back.

[10zlaine.livejournal.com]

I can't believe I clicked on that...and I so deserve it for having emailed it to you once...

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Yes, you absolutely do.

Bitch.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

Ew! Nobody deserves recursive Hasselhoff! :) Well, I can see why that grosses you out. Hee.

[herself_nyc]

Is it wrong that as soon as John swallowed the key, I would've killed him, cut out the key, unlocked Gwen, and dumped his corpse in the rift?


I had the SAME THOUGHT.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised none of them mentioned it. Either that or they could've chopped his hand off, which I'm embarrassed I didn't think of.

[herself_nyc]

Yeah, the hand chopping at least. He so deserved that.

[jomel10.livejournal.com]

OMG, that was hilarious! So much better than the actual episode.. I hope you keep watching!

If I meet Rusty I really would ask him.. Jack choosing his team over the Doctor.. WHY???

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Jack choosing his team over the Doctor.. WHY???

Yeah, it's just so obviously due to meta reasons. Spin-offs and money and blah blah blah. Like Giles leaving Buffy when she was depressed and recently-resurrected because Tony Head wanted to go back to Britain. They need to come up with some logical reason IN THE STORY for these characters to do such silly things.

[10zlaine.livejournal.com]

i'm still giggling over the fact that they appropriated the name of one of yer fave movies...

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD I KNOW. Like I didn't already have enough to be pissed off about.

[queenofattolia.livejournal.com]

Aww, look, it's School Hard Spike! Except he's all withered and wrinkly and brown now.

Heh, this made me laugh because it is too horribly true. I enjoyed Marsters' performance, but you're right -- he could do it in his sleep.

For the record, I wanted the Doctor and the Master to kiss like Jack/John too. Oh well.

This episode was unmitigated cheese, for all the reasons you've mentioned, but I still liked it. It will never sully how I feel about DW, so I'm fine with the fromage that is Torchwood.

[dalmeny]

Eary Season 4 Spike rather than School Hard Spike? He's not strongly emotionally attached to anyone, but perhaps a bit at sea and vengeful.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Well, I mostly just meant his entrance; he was totally doing the School Hard swagger.

Character-wise I don't really think he's any Spike; I just didn't see any appeal in John. He's an aging cheeseball, not particularly intelligent or attractive, with no suggestion of depth or great drama or an interesting history. Just a sleazy brat with the mentality of a five year old, still thinking the world owes him something, still trying to get by on a youthful charm long-since tarnished, and completely lacking in empathy for or interest in those around him. He's just a shallow narcissist.

John's a character focused entirely on himself (and there's not even much self there to be interested in); Spike, even without a soul, was a character focused on others. He was all about passion, love, obsession (Drusilla and Buffy and Angel), even empathy (Buffy and Dawn). Plus he had depth (outrunning his nerdy past but never quite losing his romantic nature; trying to prove himself to the world) and at his best moments he had dignity ("Intervention," "The Gift"). Unlike John, who I quite honestly thought was a big joke.

So, I guess you could say S4 Spike because that's the season where Spike was least-developed; the writers didn't know what to do with him and treated him as comic relief. But I guess ultimately he's any Spike you want him to be. In the end, it's all just a fantasy about Spike finally kissing a boy, right?


(Oh! And the other thing that annoyed me was that I didn't sense any great depth of feeling between Jack and John. It'd been there in the past, but ultimately they were all about themselves. John wanted his diamond and Jack wanted his team. Contrast this to the Doctor and the Master where they are ENTIRELY ABOUT EACH OTHER; the Master's entire persona is based on the Doctor and he's only fucking with earth because it's the Doctor's favorite planet, and the Doctor's entire plan to stop him is really about finding a way to save him and run away together. The relationship there is far more interesting, because it's much more deeply fucked up and they are far more important to each other.)

(Sorry, I totally went off on a tangent there!)

[dalmeny]

Yes, in terms of personality, John's best asset is that he's being played by James Marsters. I did find peasant_'s recent posts quite interesting, but as it's Torchwood, I'm doubtful the writers are trying to give him even that much depth.

The Master/Doctor relationship is much more interesting as it stands, not least because there is a long history there, some of which spans three decades of television. Also, I don't fancy Barrowman at all (I don't go for tall-and-braod types).

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

A poodle? Man, it's not just Jack; people from the 51st century will fuck anything. LOL. Are we sure John is from the 51st century or can time agents be recruited from any time?

Shakatany

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Erm, I don't think we've had any indication that he isn't? Since he seems to have internalized the 51st century's social construction of sexuality, I assume he spent his formative years there.