More Thoughts on “Journey’s End”

[rusty_halo]

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I woke up this morning all sad about the Doctor Who finale. (And after being all pollyanna!)

I think it's because I was so focused on being positive and enjoying the parts I liked that I didn't let myself really mourn the parts I'm sad about. (And I'm not sure if I'm really unhappy with the writing or just sad because the story is sad.)

There's a bunch of reasons I like Doctor Who: the independence of its hero, the moral ambiguity, the celebration of exploration and adventure, the respect for all forms of life, the strong female characters, the casual inclusion of queer characters, and on and on. But there's really two reasons that I love the show to the point of being fannish: the angsty emo Tenth Doctor, and the Doctor/Rose relationship. (I'd say the Doctor/Master relationship, too, but that's really more a reason I enjoy fandom than the show itself, since John Simm was only in three episodes and old Who still isn't really my thing.)

The finale totally pleased the part of me that loves angsty emo Tenth Doctor. Like I said in my first review, the fact that he's such a mess makes him more interesting and sympathetic. I'm fascinated by his story, his struggle with the responsibility of being last of the Time Lords, his search for beauty and adventure and purpose and a reason to keep going despite the horrors he's experienced, and his desperate need to connect with others while so afraid of being hurt or hurting them that he pushes everyone he loves away. I don't think the Doctor can ever have a "happy ending," because the show continues and the Doctor--and his issues--continue with it.

The part of me that loves Doctor/Rose is kind of split in two, though. Because this ending gives me so much of what I wanted, but takes away so much of what I loved about them.

From Rose's side, I'm mostly content. What I loved from her side of the relationship was that the Doctor showed her the universe, showed her how to take a stand and fight for what she believes in. And she absolutely lived up to everything that relationship taught her. She helped build a dimension hopper and a time machine, helped AU!Donna save the universe, blew away Daleks and chased off looters with her big fucking gun. I love Rose because she's passionate, because she follows her heart and never gives up, so I'm infinitely pleased that she never gave up on finding the Doctor.

And now she's--sort of--got him. Yeah, they'll have issues and struggles and it'll be an adjustment, but Rose has basically been given a new beginning with the man she loves, a version of him who's willing to open up and give her the emotional honesty she needs. And they've got an entire universe to defend. I don't for one second think they're looking at houses and plotting how many babies to have; she's taken him to her Torchwood, shown him all the gadgets, and they're figuring out how they're going to get back to traveling. And then they'll be interrupted by an alien invasion and they'll have all kinds of angst and drama because he's so trigger happy, but he'll learn and they'll have incredible amounts of fun and they'll continue to be heroes. This literally is just the beginning for them; they've got a lifetime of adventures ahead. This is the Doctor and Rose, and anyone who thinks "settling down" is anywhere near the top of their agenda is just so not watching the same show I am!

(I compare this ending favorably to that of Pirates of the Caribbean. In PotC, I was annoyed that, even though I could fanwank that Elizabeth was off being Pirate King and having adventures, what the narrative thought important to show me is that she raised a kid. Yes, it's nice that she raised a kid, but it's just as important to me to know that her adventures continued, and I'm frustrated that they didn't think it worthwhile show that. Whereas in Doctor Who, there's no child, no emphasis on domesticity, nothing to make us think that their priorities have changed. Yes, they're in love and they want to spend their lives together, but knowing who they are as characters, come on, this means travel and adventure and heroism. Their identities aren't erased just because they're in love. I do think it would've been nice if they'd left in the scene where our Doctor gives the human Doctor a TARDIS coral, but I don't even think it needed that. Because we already know Rose was working on a Time Machine, and we know from their personalities that neither of them wants to stop traveling. I'm not saying they won't ever have children--though I'm not saying they will--just that I don't think they'll ever "settle down" and give up so much of what makes them who they are.)

Which leaves us with the thing I'm unhappy about, which is the ending for our Doctor. I already said I got what I wanted for Rose based on how she grew from the relationship, but it feels like the Doctor lost most of what he'd learned from it. The main reason I loved Doctor/Rose from the Doctor's side was because, after the trauma of the Time War, she helped him reconnect.

Part of it was in a moral way--the scene in "Dalek" when she stops him from shooting the Dalek is pivotal. I do think he kept what he learned from that, the respect for all life, even that of his enemies. Rose didn't create that in him, but she reawakened it in a very traumatized Doctor.

But more importantly for me was that she helped him reconnect in a personal way. He was so closed off, so afraid of being hurt again after losing everyone he'd loved. And Rose taught him to live in the moment, to love despite the inevitable loss. Season two is them growing closer and closer, and I honestly think that if "Doomsday" hadn't taken her away, there'd have been no stopping them. That's the tragedy of season two, that he couldn't open up and tell her his feelings until it was too late. He starts, again and again--in "School Reunion," in "The Satan Pit"--and he can't bring himself to say it. And then in "Doomsday," time runs out.

I understand why he can't. He flat out says why he can't, in "School Reunion"--because she'll die and he can't take losing her. But I think he should have gone for it anyway. Lived in the moment, lived her "forever," and then mourned her when she was gone. Yes, it would hurt, but the joy would have been worth the pain. I wanted him to learn not to close off his heart, to open it and love fully even though he knows the inevitable loss is coming. (Ironically, I think this is the only reason he's able to grow so close to River Song. He's already lost her, the worst is over and he knows how it'll happen, so he's able to give himself to that relationship more than the ones he's afraid will hurt him worse.)

And the Doctor didn't learn to open his heart, didn't learn that it's worth it despite the pain. He was an emotional coward. He knew he'd lose Rose in the end, so he made it happen now, on his terms, rather than letting himself grow attached again and then having to face losing her. And I understand it, really. He would lose her anyway; easier now than later, right? It's the same thing as when he sent her away in "Doomsday." But it's wrong. It's wrong for him to make her choice for her, and it's wrong for him to close off his heart just because he'll get hurt.

([TMI] I kind of think it upsets me so much because I do the same thing. Not that a 26-year-old American has much in common with a 903-year-old Time Lord, but pushing people I care about away because I don't want to deal with getting hurt? I so do that, and I hate that I do it, and I hate seeing my favorite character make the same mistakes I make.[/TMI])

And I'm not even saying it's a bad story choice. Because it's a tragedy. He learns exactly the wrong lesson; he listens to Davros' bitter half truths. He sees himself as a destroyer of worlds who turns ordinary humans into weapons, and rather than watch Rose die for him or kill for him, he sends her away to be safe. He loves her too much to respect her choice to stay with him. Which I hate and understand at the same time.

The thing the Doctor misses is that he turns people into heroes, inspires them to be better than they were. He sees his friends ready to destroy the earth but he doesn't realize that the only reason he sees them at all is because they've learned from him to offer the Daleks a chance. It's the same thing with Donna--he could see her die heroically because of him, or he could take away her memories and let her live out her life as the ordinary human she was. Of course he chooses not to let her die. I'm sure he recognizes how good for her the experience with him was, but he'd rather his friends stay ordinary and safe than die for him. In a way it's selfish, it's him not wanting to get hurt, not respecting that his friends should be allowed to make their own choices and their own sacrifices. But it comes from such hurt and pain that I can't hate him for it. My heart just completely breaks for him.

They're not kidding when they say the Christmas specials foreshadow the season. Voyage of the Damned is more or less a microcosm of season four. Someone the Doctor cares about dies for him, and the Doctor decides he's better off alone, better off not connecting with anyone. He's wrong--"Midnight" showed us how much he needs people, "Turn Left" showed us how much better the universe is with him in it, and "The Stolen Earth" showed us how amazing his companions have become because of his inspiration. But at the end, the Doctor's back where he started--"I travel alone." I was hoping he'd learn that he was wrong there, and Donna did show him--that he's not "fine" when he claims to be, that he does need someone--but in the end, he loses that along with Donna. Davros shows him the worst perspective of himself, and he believes it.

So the irony is that the part of me that loves angsty emo Doctor is perfectly fine with this, but the part of me that loves the Doctor side of the Doctor/Rose relationship is really just gutted. I know that's completely contradictory, but I never said my fannish impulses are logical!

Current Mood: sad

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