I hate everything that I write.

Like this. I was trying to figure out how to take the “I”s and “me”s out, but I couldn’t. I wanted to write about why Paul is amazing, not about the impact Paul had on me personally, which is irrelevant. But I couldn’t separate the two; everything became generic and weirdly removed when I took out the “I”s and “me”s.

But with them in, it’s like, god, so narcissistic and who fucking cares.

I was crying as I wrote the post – it’s trying to describe something that meant so much to me – but when I read it, the emotion isn’t there at all. I don’t understand. I feel these things so intensely, but I can’t communicate them at all.

I’m going to make a filter for my overly personal Sleep No More posts so I can stop spamming you guys. Please comment if you want to be on it. (I might still post the generic ones publicly, sorry.)

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


I’ve been reading Valerie’s original fiction. She was so talented. I wish I’d told her how much I admired her.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


[info]talula728: The Valerie Lewis Memorial Award for Excellence in Creative Writing:

As a tribute, we have set up The Valerie Lewis Memorial Award for Excellence in Creative Writing. In this way, her life’s work and her influence on her students can continue. Checks can be made out to Mercy College, memo: Valerie Lewis Memorial Award and mailed to Mercy College, English Program, English Program, c/o Frances Biscoglio, 555 Broadway, Dobbs Ferry, NY 10522. This information will be in her obituary but I have had so many people asking if there’s something they can and so wanted to get this information out there. I am so proud of my sister for always doing the work she loved and teaching with the same enthusiasm and uniqueness of her character. She never gave up on a student and she was always so excited when they made progress and began to share her love for writing. I know this award can never replace her impact on future students, but I hope in some small way it keeps her influence in this world. Please pass this on to others as you can.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


Jan. 26th, 2013 01:29 am

[info]talula728 posted that her sister [info]valerie_z has passed away.

I am heartbroken. Valerie was one of my favorite people in fandom. I met her because I archived some of her stories on my Spike fanfiction archive. We only met in person once, but I loved knowing her online.

I remember reading her story “Super Food World” out loud to my mother, a decade ago, because I thought it was so funny and moving and wanted to share how much I loved it. We hadn’t interacted much in the past few years, but I always read her posts. She was so smart, talented, funny, and honest.

I will miss her so much.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


I made a few:

1) Minimize travel. I’ll probably have to do a work travel thing and I might do one holiday (either somewhere on a beach or if Tom Hiddleston does theater anywhere in the world, I’m there). Otherwise I need to save my time and money for my cats, who are not young.

2) Make it an expected part of my routine to exercise a half hour every day.

3) Eat out less. It’s stupid to gain weight and lose money eating food I don’t even like.

4) Stand up straight. I’m starting to hunch like an old lady. :(

5) Work less. There is no point killing myself in a job I hate. Look for opportunities to do something I wouldn’t hate, some kind of something that involves creativity and art.

6) Put myself out there more. Post online. Talk to people in person. There is no guarantee that people will listen to me when I talk, but there is a guarantee that no one will listen to me if I don’t talk.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


* Went to DragonCon in Atlanta.

* Went to Istanbul for the Dunnett Seige of Constantinople.

* Went to Las Vegas for work (ugh, ugh, ugh).

* Went to Rio to visit [info]chenanceou for Thanksgiving week–was so lovely to see her.

* Am now officially sick of traveling.

* Worked incessantly at an extreme level of stress. Achieved a major milestone in a project I’ve been working on for a very long time and got nothing but grief for it. Realizing that politics is more important than skill. Really, really stressed about that.

* Had a terrifying health scare with my cat Angel, which I don’t want to talk about. She is doing much better now. Sitting on my lap as I type.

* Fannishly: am trying to keep up with DW, LJ, and certain Tumblrs. Not succeeding. Occasionally reading Loki fanfic. Still haven’t watched this week’s episode of SPN.

* Listening to Nick Cave and Coil.

* Pretty much all my thinky thoughts are about work, because I’m there constantly and it’s what I spent all my time and energy on. Even almost all of my social relationships are with work people now. There’s a ton of meta I’d like to write about how office culture, about power, politics, image, the blurred line between personal and professional. About how I’m struggling to navigate it, what I’ve learned, what I’m stuck and can’t figure out.

I’m scared to write about it, even behind friends-lock, because this job is serious business and being found out would equal being fired. I really miss you guys and wish I could talk to you about it.

* I’m supposed to be working right now. (It’s 10pm on a Sunday). Time becomes so precious when you have so little of it. Fixing typos and editing my writing takes a backseat. But my inner grammar fanatic cries every time.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


My deepest sympathies to people are struggling because of Hurricane Sandy. I was very lucky:

* My power flickered but stayed on.

* My internet was only out for a day.

* My building is fine, although several buildings nearby had parts of their siding ripped off.

* My train (the L) still isn’t running, and my office was closed due to power outage all week, so I haven’t left my house for a week except to go to the local grocery store (which was missing a lot of stuff due to no deliveries, and is ridiculously expensive–like 30% costlier than Whole Foods–but it’s better than nothing).

* I worked from home all week.

* It’s amazing how much time and money you save when you don’t have to do your hair or makeup every day, or wear fancy clothes, or spend an hour on a train.

* My cats are very, very happy to have had mommy to themselves for a week.

* I’ve been eating well, losing weight, and saving money by cooking all my own food with no temptation to order from restaurants.

* I’ve been sleeping at least eight hours per night and exercising at least a half hour each day.

* I’ve kept my apartment ridiculously clean.

* I’ve been knocking off items that have been lingering on my to-do list for years, including digitizing old VHS tapes, listing stuff on ebay, and reading through old magazines so I can recycle them.

This luck will most likely run out tomorrow, as my office is finally open but the L isn’t running, so I’m going to try walking (25 minute walk) to the M train, which will undoubtedly be ridiculously crowded with everyone else who also would have been on the L train. I’m sure the miserable commute will also screw up all the healthy-lifestyle stuff I managed this week, but it was fun while it lasted.

Of course I’m still ridiculously lucky. My aunt and uncle in Scarsdale still don’t have power or hot water. My boss in midtown Manhattan had no power or any water at all for a week. My friend in Jersey City spent a week with no power, no internet, no cell service, and a 7pm daily curfew. Let alone all those people whose homes were destroyed, or who lost loved ones.

I don’t know how to explain how ridiculous this whole situation feels. New York City does not have tropical hurricanes. As if terrorism, crime, and massive inequality aren’t enough, now we have to worry about this, too? Hoping we’ll at least have some silver lining of politicians taking climate change more seriously, but I’m not holding my breath.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


I worked today from 9:15am – 10pm. I miss you guys so much. :( :( :(

On the plus side, a new person joined our team today, so maybe I’ll have more free time in the future? *hopes* Now I’m on two nightly calls (8pm Mondays at 9pm Thursdays) and early morning calls keep popping up too. :(

I miss fandom. And I miss my fandom friends.

You know, what’s amazing is that even though I hardly post here anymore and haven’t been fannishly active in ages, my fannish friends are still the best friends ever. Just in the past month I’ve:

* Hung out with the lovely [info]10zlaine and attempted to introduce her to the vegan wonders of NYC (she’s a new vegan!). She’s been coming for plays at BAM–we saw John Gabriel Borkman earlier in the year (complete with scary Snape fangirls in the actor Q&A) and Diary of a Madman recently. And then she so generously stayed over at my place for 6 extra days and catsat while I was out of town. ([info]10zlaine, in case I didn’t tell you yet, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. The place was perfect and the kitties were so well-cared for and happy.)

* Went to Puerto Rico with [info]jaydk for her birthday. (I’ve never needed a vacation more in my life.) We spent 3 days at El Conquistador (this crazy resort with a water park, a private island, a bunch of pools, and an amazing spa) and then 3 days at La Concha in San Juan. The best part was the rainforest, though–I went in the waterfall again! I could totally live in that place and as long as I had internet I’d never leave.

* Visited with [info]chenanceou, who was in town briefly, although sadly I barely got to see her because I had to leave unexpectedly. But it was so good to catch up and hopefully she’ll be here this summer so we can spend more time together. :)

* Visited with the fantabulous [info]soundingsea a couple weekends ago. She came over to my place for a day of fangirling (although sadly she’s not so into SPN anymore, but we still had plenty to talk about). And the night before, we hung out with [info]deepad, who is lovely and always a pleasure to hang with.

Who all is going to Wincon? I think a lot of Writercon people will be there. I’m going and rooming with [info]soundingsea and [info]10zlaine. I want to spend some time actually in New Orleans too, at a downtown hotel–wish I had time to actually make plans! But the Wincon tickets are purchased and hotel booked, so it’s definitely happening. :)

Hmm, what else? I saw Book of Mormon on Broadway (thanks Chen for forwarding me the sale!). It was very good, like Orgazmo merged with that South Park episode about the boy from Africa, set to music. It’s interesting to see how Trey Parker revisits the same themes throughout his life but in all these different forms. And very odd to see a fairly typical Broadway crowd coming out of such an obscenity-filled show! But the performances, music, and choreography really were fantastic. I’d actually like to see it again, from a closer seat.

spoilers for the last aired episode of SPN )

spoilers for aired episodes of White Collar )

Oh yeah! And Game of Thrones. I can't even tell you how happy I am to see posters of Sean Bean on the Iron Throne all over the subway! It's like fandom is taking over the real world! I watched some of the previews from the HBO site and I'm amazed how faithful to the books they're being. I'm looking forward to seeing if the actual show lives up to my hopes.

Everything else I'd talk about is related to work, which--the security at my job is crazy, I feel like Big Brother is always watching, plus this is the first Real Grown Up Corporate Job I've had, so I don't feel comfortable talking about it much. Alas.

Miss you all. (And I'm still reading! Just sporadically and not having as much time to comment, but I really do care about keeping up with everyone on my flist/circle.)

PS: Can you tell almost all the writing I've done recently has had to be either in list form or in Excel spreadsheets?

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


I’ve had almost no time for DW/LJ (*SOB* I MISS YOU GUYS) but things I have managed to see that were worth sharing:

* New ASOIAF HBO preview!! I don’t really think I’m going to like the series all that much, but it’s still so amazing to see actual visuals of a world that’s existed only in our imaginations for so many years. I guess this is how the oldschool LotR fans felt?

* Kalichan wrote a lovely and thoughtful post about loving things that fail.

I want to catch up with everyone but even if I do, my reading lists will hit skip=1000 before I see everyones’ posts, so if anything really important happened, please let me know?

Here’s what I’ve been up to:

Read more... )

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


Nov. 15th, 2010 08:53 pm

[info]10zlaine texted me today to tell me that [info]jerrymcl89 passed away suddenly on Friday. [info]ww1614 has more information here.

I mostly knew Jerry from BAPS, the Spike mailing list, from back in 2002 or so, and spent time with him at a few BtVS-related events. (Remember the big party for him and [info]kellyhk at Vulkon Tampa in 2003?) Even though we’d drifted fannishly, I always appreciated that Jerry kept in touch through LJ over all these years.

I’m really incredibly sad. I wasn’t super close to Jerry, but it always made me happy to exchange comments with him. Jerry was such a nice, calm, even-handed person, and I enjoyed hearing his perspective on pretty much anything, even if I disagreed. I always admired that he had such a clear, concise way of expressing his thoughts, and appreciated his wry sense of humor. He really was a very kind, special person.

My deepest sympathies to his family and to everyone who was close to him.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


Anyone else going to the Rally to Restore Sanity tomorrow?

I’m going alone and will probably be wandering around by myself until I find someone I know. (Luckily I know quite a few people who are going, so hopefully I’ll manage to run into at least one of them. There’s even a fangirl meetup although I don’t know if I’ll be able to find them.)

For some ungodly reason I decided to take a 6:45am train (!!!) and to stay over Saturday night instead of Friday night. Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Or what I’m going to do after the rally. Again, hoping I’ll run into someone who’ll want to hang out.

Then I’m coming back to New York Sunday morning and seeing the Dresden Dolls at Irving Plaza Sunday night. That should be a fun thing to do for Halloween. Although honestly I think I’d rather spend my weekend curled up on my couch watching Supernatural instead of all this traveling and going out. I’m just going to have to face up to the fact that I am a giant geek.

I should go to sleep as soon as I get home tonight since I’m going to have to get up at 5am tomorrow (*sob*), but nothing is going to keep me away from tonight’s Supernatural, so maybe I’ll pack, take a nap, wake up for SPN, and then go back to sleep. Hopefully that’ll work and I won’t be a complete zombie at the rally.

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.



I have just managed to amuse myself greatly, and I feel compelled to share the entertainment with others who will understand.

I found a chart I made of “Men Who Are Or Once Were CUTE” as of January 1994, when I was eleven years old. This is like the prototypical document of the obsessive fangirl.

It’s an attempt to compile a list of every attractive male actor, ever. In alphabetical order, with a color-coded key to identify the traits of each one.

Notice anything odd about the list of traits? )
Current Mood: weird emoticon weird

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. Please click here to comment.
(Anyone can comment on public entries.)


Sep. 21st, 2009 07:24 pm

I haven’t been on LJ or DreamWidth for about two months. Um, did I miss anything?

I’m not sure if I’m coming back. I was basically forced off because my computer broke, but my computer has been working for a month now and… yeah. I’m really enjoying the free time that comes with not spending hours on journaling sites every day. I also think that removing myself from the obsessive lunacy of fandom has done wonders for my own sanity. :P

I miss you guys, though. I’m thinking of maybe trimming my reading list to just real people and checking in a couple times per week.

Part of it was post-Writercon burnout. Part is that I’m just kind of… done… with mainstream television. Canceling my cable TV was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. I’m not even angry about the myriad ways TV sucks; I’m just not interested in spending time on it anymore.

I’ve been cooking every day, working on freelance projects, getting my finances in order, organizing my apartment, taking long walks around NYC, going to museums (the Neue Galerie is amazing), reading proper books (currently on The Power Broker about Robert Moses), and downloading lots of 1970s David Bowie goodies.

(Proof that I’ve drunk the Bowie Kool-Aid: the other day I found myself listening to the Young Americans album with unreserved adoration. I’ve also been watching a lot of interviews and was surprised to find that I really like David Bowie. When I got into his music, I really was not expecting to find him likable as a person. I respect his intelligence, hard work, self-awareness, and courage to take wild creative leaps.)

But part of the reason it’s foolish to post here is that you guys are not the appropriate audience for my thoughts on David Bowie. It is really starting to hit me that in my heart, I’m not a TV fan; I’m a music fan who happens to get into TV fandoms in the off periods when I can’t find music that engages me. I’m not sure what the appropriate venue is, though; music fandoms tend to center around message boards full of pedantic fanboys with whom I wouldn’t fit either. I think the best answer is probably just to go back to being a solitary fan.

The main reason I'm posting is to tell Cindergal that I am still watching Farscape as promised )

So... what have you all been up to?

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.


Jun. 23rd, 2009 07:37 pm

I swear to god, you’d think I’m trying to choose the most random and obscure things to obsess over.

*goes back to sitting in the corner babbling to myself about David Bowie and Francis Crawford of Lymond*

Current Mood: lonely emoticon lonely & lonely emoticon lonely

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.



I’m in the middle of week three of the hundred push ups program, which means I did 71 push ups tonight. Owwwwwwwwww. I’m doing the half-assed knee push ups, but still.

I’m doing this mainly because I didn’t believe it could possibly work (me doing 100 push ups after six weeks? I’ve never been able to do more than 15) and because I really need to start exercising again. I was doing so well last year; I was up to four half hour workouts a week, and lost 20 pounds. And then I got depressed, stopped exercising, and gained back all the weight. Ugh. So this seemed like a way to jump start the working out thing also.

I’ve also been busy cooking. I’m still following the Vegan Cooking for One meal plan. I like cooking and having a homemade meal every night, but I’m getting sick of the bland and unimaginative recipes in this book. Mushrooms, potatoes, rice, spaghetti, onions… c’mon, at least throw in one interesting thing per week! How about eggplant or … I don’t know, kumquats or something. Blah. But I’m taking photos and going to blog it on SuperVegan, so at least it’s good for something. :P

I’ve been really busy with Writercon, but we don’t have anything to announce yet. I’ve got my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to announce a city and hotel soon, though! Meanwhile I’m learning Drupal and spreadsheets.

I’ve been reading “Hamlet” on the subway to and from work. I’m trying not to get too excited, but I keep picturing David Tennant and OMG CAN’T WAIT FOR OCTOBER.

I’ve been catching some TV here and there. I decided that I adore Fraser’s boss, Meg Thatcher (lol), and that I’d rather watch a show about her. She’s kind of like a female Fraser: older and more cynical, but incredibly socially awkward and with that core idealism underneath. Just, she’s interesting, with her heart protected under so many layers of caution and professionalism, and her default reaction to assume the worst of everyone and to push people away. The last episode I saw was “We Are The Eggmen” so this could change; don’t spoil me for anything that’s coming up.

The next Doctor/Master episode is “The Claws of Axos.” Anything particular I should look out for in this one? I’ll probably start it on Sunday.

[info]jaydk came over last weekend for more Doctor Who. I made a whole batch of banana split cupcakes, and we had a lot of fun. She agrees that “Terror of the Autons” is way more entertaining than “The War Games.” And “Journey’s End” feels more “official” now that we watched it together–although I’m highly amused that we had to pause it twice so that we could get into extended arguments. Ah, fangirls.

Tomorrow I’m taking the bus to Atlantic City to see Stone Temple Pilots. I’m stressing about this, not only because it’s apparently a money-driven mess with a relapsed lead singer, but because I hate Atlantic City. This was the only show I could get tickets to (they’re not playing NYC), so I bought a ticket with a blithe “Oh, I’ll find someone to go with me!” Which never happens, of course, and I end up alone at 12:30am in an empty corner of a casino parking garage, waiting for a bus that may or may not show up, with no human being in sight. I feel like it’s tempting fate to keep doing this. I even looked for a hotel room thinking maybe I’d stay overnight and take a daytime bus home, but Atlantic City hotels are absurdly expensive. So, late night bus. I probably won’t get murdered.

Current Mood: busy emoticon busy

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. Please click here to comment.
(Anyone can comment on public entries.)





I don’t know how long I can hold out! Now would be a really good time to go hibernate in a cave somewhere with no internet access.

Let’s talk about something completely unrelated to the SPOILERS THAT ARE CALLING ME. Hmm.

Oh! I chose some furniture.

furniture and other random stuff )

More distractions; have some recs:

* [livejournal.com profile] selenak wrote a great post comparing "Midnight" and "Voyage of the Damned." (I could swear I read a good one somewhere comparing it to "42," also, but now I don't remember where it was.)

* [livejournal.com profile] lordshiva wrote the Doctor and Anya from Buffy! So much win.

* I adored the New York Times article about Russell T Davies. So far three people I know in real life have come up to me to chatter about it, too.

* I read this entire book about the 1977 blackout in NYC. I'm weird. I clicked on it while researching the history of Bushwick and ended up completely fascinated by the sociology, psychology, and history it explores. (Plus it's fascinating because I had a great time during the 2003 blackout--I got drunk in the gay bar across the street and bonded with my soon-to-be-friend Anne, who stayed at my place rather than walk home to Brooklyn.) It's amazing to compare how the various blackouts reflect the social conditions of their eras.

* I made this bread (substituting a mix of molasses and agave nectar for the honey) and it's delicious.

Do you have any recs for stuff that'll distract me from spoilers? Please share. :)
Current Mood: bored emoticon bored & tired emoticon tired

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. Please click here to comment.


Feb. 22nd, 2005 01:24 pm
This is a meme that's going around. I probably should've posted it yesterday, but whatever:

Lurkers out there, yo, today's your day. Whether you're a LJ-lurker or from someplace outside reading this journal, you are the reason this journal isn't locked by default. So, come out and say 'hi' or something. Tell me what you're doing here, how you feel, who you are, whatever. No need to be shy. Feel free to post anonymously!

I'm a bit curious about this, since I've been kind of friends-locking by default lately.

Robot soldiers. So creepy. Didn't these guys see "Terminator"?

I'm trying to think of 10 things I've done that most people probably haven't. Some of these things are kind of unmentionable, or depressing, or both, so I won't mention those. Let's see... what is there that is semi-interesting and suitable for public consumption?... I'm pretty boring, really....

1. Went to a different school every year for 6 years. (Most dramatic was going from living in the middle of the woods in Indiana and attending Catholic school to living in a tiny apartment 20 yards from the beach in Puerto Rico the next year. And going swimming pretty much every single day that year.)

2. Co-wrote, filmed, and edited a 10 minute student movie about zombies. (And a bunch of other silly amateur movies, but that was the best.)

3. Got a perfect score (800) on the verbal part of the SAT. I think I got a perfect score on the writing part of the PSAT, too; I got a National Merit Scholarship out of it.

4. Hung out backstage at music venues all over NYC--Irving Plaza was probably the biggest--and met lots of different bands (including the Genitorturers, Switchblade Symphony, Godhead...) all before age 20. And slept in Penn Station, multiple times, and went to school the next day.

5. Was in the front row of a Marilyn Manson concert in their heyday, against the barrier, getting purple bruises on my hip-bones and dodging body surfers. Met John 5 afterwards and got a photo.

6. Read thousands and thousands of Buffy fics, and archived about one thousand of them. (Well, probably most of you guys have read that many.)

7. Worked behind the scenes at a bunch of Buffy cons; probably the most amusing thing was Alexis Denisof running off in the middle of a photoshoot to go pee, and making an announcement about it to the line before he went.

8. Watched the three original Star Wars movies at least 500 times each, and can still recite entire scenes.

9. Was onstage for an hour in London in front of 800 people with a panel that included BtVS writer Jane Espenson. ([livejournal.com profile] paratti has also done this. ;)

10. Was on the front page of the local paper, in a photo and interview. (With 3 friends, after Columbine, trying to lessen the persecution of Goth kids.)


Oct. 13th, 2004 01:44 pm
I haven't been reading LJ, um, pretty much at all, lately. (Profuse apologies, please don't hate me, etc.)

warning: maudlin rambling; this is what happens when I don't have an all-consuming obsession to distract me )


I blog about fannish things. Busy with work so don't update often. Mirrored at rusty-halo.com.

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