rusty_halo

Well, this was an eventful weekend.

( Friday: Graduation Party )

( Saturday: Eliza Dushku in Philadelphia )

( Sunday: Eric Kufs from Common Rotation at the Bitter End )

I just handed in my last academic paper (ever?).

Assuming all goes well (which it should *knock on wood*), this is it. All classes are over, this was the last bit of academic work required to graduate.

This feels so weird. Like, my entire life has been leading up to this moment. I didn't exactly choose it, I didn't exactly want it (though I also couldn't think of any more preferable option), but here I am, I've achieved it. College graduation. What an incredible relief that this is over.

I'm a bit sad, which surprises me. I felt nothing but a sort of bitter joy at having escaped high school alive; I still feel no nostalgia for that nightmarish hell. But I actually started to appreciate college a bit near the end, maybe about 2/3 of the way through. I'll never like homework or papers or grades, but once I found the kinds of classes that suited my personality--cultural studies, gender studies--I saw the point. I appreciated the insights and the need for them and I felt like I grew as a person because of those classes.

I sort of wish I could've done it over again knowing what I know now; I spent at least the first half of college floating around totally lost, without a clue what I wanted to study or where I fit in. By the time I finally found it, it seems like I barely had time to skim the surface.

But anyway. It's over and done with now and man, am I relieved!

I spent the weekend in something of a daze: all my finals this year were papers, all were long, and all were due within the same period of time. So this weekend I wrote:

- 12 pages on the construction of masculinity in Sergio Leone's Dollars trilogy and its relationship to the cultural changes of the 1960s in America (due Monday 5/3)
- 6 pages on the theme of objectification in Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale and its relation to the academic study of history (due Monday 5/3)
- 12 pages on the relationships between dominant culture, subculture, and family in Joel Schumacher's The Lost Boys (due Wednesday 5/5)

I just returned from handing the last paper in. That's 30 pages in about four days. It was all done very last minute because I had other work to finish up the week before. That also means I've barely slept in the past four days: I was up 36 hours, from Sunday morning to Monday night, slept for about eight hours, then got up again Tuesday morning and have been awake until now (Wednesday afternoon). And now I'm at work trying to catch up because I missed Monday. Man, I can't wait to go home and sleep.

This is a babbling, nonsensical post; I offer exhaustion as an excuse.

I wish I had something related to the Spike-verse to say. Unfortunately it has utterly failed to hold my attention; the little time I've had to devote to fandom lately has been toward Methos. I really wish I could keep my attention on Spike; I love the community that surrounds this fandom. I want to continue to be a part of it. But, well, there's just nothing that Mutant Enemy could do that would make me want to watch--or even think about--their product. I'll spare you the anti-ME rant; if you read my journal you know how I feel about their ideology. I know now that there's nothing there for me and never will be. Thinking about it just makes me angry and sad.

I'd much prefer to think about Methos and Jaime Lannister, whose creators appreciated the value of an ambiguous character and the value of free will, the ability of the individual to change. drujan and I went to see Hellboy the other weekend and though I didn't particularly enjoy the film, we both loved the theme that it doesn't matter how you start out, you don't have some essential essence; you have choice, you decide who you are, no one else does. Methos and Jaime both embody that; anything that ME creates embodies the opposite: the triumph of fate, inability to escape destiny, essentialism, ultimate lack of choice. (Don't argue; if you feel differently, good, enjoy yourself, you're not going to convince me.)

I bought the DVDs for Highlander seasons four and five (graduation gift to self, shut up frugal conscience) and I love them. ( am I still talking about Highlander??? Okay, I think the thesis here is something like 'Kronos is an essentialist and Methos is a social constructionist'.... oh, shut up. Long Highlander mini-essay. )

I have no internet access at home. It's so depressing. Stupid Time Warner Cable. Someone is coming to fix it on Tuesday, but until then I can only get online from work. (During which time I should really be, y'know, working.) So no fic reading and no website updates until next week. (It's sort of like being in solitary confinement, cut off from the world...) I'm very pissed off, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I handed in my last midterm yesterday. Six pages on the construction of gender in Dr. No (the first James Bond movie).

I realized that this could very well be the last midterm that I take in my life, ever. This is my last semester as an undergraduate, so if I don't continue school, this is it. Woo hoo!

It's also spring break. I have to work all week, but it's still nice to have a break from school. :)

With no internet I found myself re-reading George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series. Actually, I just re-read the Jaime Lannister chapters of A Storm of Swords a couple of times. I love, love, love Jaime Lannister. (And without fic, I need *something* to fill up my brain.) So for the two people who might care, look for a long post about that later. (Probably much later, since I'll have to write it at home and don't know when I'm getting the internet back.)

If you need to get in touch about anything, write to me before 6PM ET today--after that I'll be cut off for at least the weekend. :(

Psst ...

Note to drujan: You must go read thedeadlyhook's LJ. You will love her perceptive commentary on the Buffyverse, particularly on Buffy. She's also the one who wrote those wonderful reviews at Just Stake Me.

Note to soulmate815: The wonderful Spike & Joyce story I was telling you about is DeNile by indri. (If anyone else out there hasn't read this one yet, go read it! It's one of my favorite stories ever.)

Yesterday I bought 20 postcards at a gift shop near me ($.35 each) and spent two hours writing notes on all of them, to various people at Fox, ME, UPN, TNT, and certain media outlets. Just need to get postcard stamps tomorrow and I'm set. Now, c'mon everyone, you too. Just pick up some postcards; you'll find addresses here among many other places.

I bought my ticket to the Creation Buffy/Angel con in Jersey in March. Looking forward to seeing rockgoddes and redeem147 and others there. :)

To do:
Figure out if I'm going to Toronto Trek or not
(If so) figure out Toronto Trek hotel room/roommate situation
(If so) get Toronto Trek plane tickets

Figure out how long I want to stay in Vegas
Reserve WriterCon hotel room
Find WriterCon roommates
Get WriterCon plane tickets

I think jaydk is going to handle our DragonCon hotel and airfare, but I must check with her about it.

I spent four hours tonight in the most boring class ever. We watched this movie that was so boring I couldn't *stand* it. I started braiding strands of my hair into little braids, and then braiding the little braids into bigger braids, because I couldn't sit still.

I forget the name of the movie; it was from 1969 and was about a psychologist who talks crazy women into having sex with him (or not) and films it all with a hidden camera. All you see is clips from the hidden camera. Mostly it's these weird women jumping around naked and screeching, and lots of really irritating pretentious selfish people talking about nothing.

Sudden change of topic...

So, let's review:

Action: Giles and Jenny start to get back together after a period of separation
Result: Jenny dies horribly

Action: Angel gets his soul back, reunites with Buffy, she tells him she loves him
Result: Angel dies horribly

Action: Joyce's romantic life starts to pick up, she gets flowers from a suitor
Result: Joyce dies

Action: Tara and Willow have a happy reunion after months of separation
Result: Tara dies horribly

Action: Buffy finally admits to Spike that she loves him
Result: Spike dies horribly

( AtS S5 spoilers )

As much as I admit that Joss Whedon's shows are some of the best on television, he's got his own formula and it's pretty damn predictable.

I also sort of wonder what this means. People start to get together romantically, and misery ensues. Is it a negative comment on romance? Sex = death?

Or is just a way to drive the knife in as deeply as possible, make it hurt extra when the person dies because we see how much promise their life had? Which is kind of disturbing on a couple of levels. First, the implication that a death isn't quite so meaningful if the person's life wasn't full of promise when the person died. Second that romantic love = your life's potential. Romance gives life meaning? Why does romance signify happiness/potential?

The only time I can remember significant death where this didn't happen was with Jonathan and Anya. (Though it's debatable whether the writers even considered Anya's death significant. And she does get back with Xander shortly before, but that's not her big poignant moment, which is her realization about humanity blah blah blah.) In their cases, we saw how much they'd grown as people, and that's what made their deaths hurt so much. I like that method better, though, because the poignance is emphasized by showing who they are and how they've grown as individuals, not just because they're romantically involved with someone.

Meh. I'm just babbling because I'm tired, and it's too much effort to go get ready for bed, and I really ought to update my website before I go to sleep ...

Speaking of which, visits to my site went *way* up this week. I guess it's the Angel cancellation publicity? *cries*

And speaking of that, there are big ads for "One Tree Hill" and "Smallville" all over my neighborhood, and all over the NYU area. No ads for "Angel," though. Gee, maybe the *lack of promotion* could have something to do with that show's comparitively smaller ratings?

And speaking of Smallville, could that show possibly be any more lame? I retract every nice thing I've said about it. The last few episodes have been like bad after school specials. I love Lex, and Lionel, but the minimal time they get is so not worth it.

Totally random topic change again...

Oh, hey, check it out. My dad sent me pictures of my babies cats. Aren't they wonderful? The white one is Vanilla, who is 18 years old and very bossy. The striped one is Angel (named before the TV character existed!) who my dad calls "Penny" and everyone else calls "The Devil Cat." She is insane. Lucifer, the youngest, isn't pictured, because he thinks he's dog and the others wouldn't deign to let him hang out with them.

( Angel and Vanilla )

We had a conversation at work the other day which reminded me what a freak I am. We're writing this book about our favorite vegan products (don't ask, it's not my idea) and we have to all write something about whatever products we like. I suggested that we all write down our ideas privately, in a database-like thing, and then we can reply to each other, sort of like LJ comments. Converse in writing. Everyone else said, no, let's just have a meeting, talk out loud, and someone can transcribe it.

That idea is horrible to me. I would do sooo much better writing on my own than talking in person. In person I'm quiet and inarticulate and totally unable to communicate well. In writing I'm so much more able to say what I mean. (Not that I'm great in writing, but much much better than in person.)

Which reminds me that my colloquium is coming up. Oh, god, panic. ( boring school stuff )

Now. Must find something to archive before bed.... Oh, I know! Doyle said I could archive her secret slasha fic. Okay ... off to archive.

Just took my last final exam.

Finals are over!!!!!!

:)

I've sort of been in a paper-writing daze lately. Yesterday I finally turned in my colloquium rationale, which is a paper outlining the topics of discussion for my colloquium -- a two hour conversation with three professors that determines whether or not I graduate college. It was absolutely terrifying to write. I'm glad I got it out of the way, though ... temporary reprieve until the actual colloquium, which is in the spring.

I've also been keeping up with all my current classes (lots of midterms and midterm papers lately) and, oh yeah, working 25 hours a week. So mostly, I'm existing on lots of coffee and very little sleep.

Which is mostly just a big excuse for why I've been lazy about keeping up with fandom lately. All this stuff I have to reply to and deal with ... LJ comments, email, story submissions, etc. I suck. I know. I'm sorry.

So, if you're an author and you submitted a story to All About Spike six months ago and haven't heard back, it's not that I'm ignoring you. It's that I'm busy. If it helps at all, I feel really guilty. But I still probably won't be getting to your story any time soon.

(Which is not in any way an attempt to discourage people from sending recommendations. Recommendations help me out a lot, so please do keep sending them. Just don't be offended if I take a long time to reply.)

I also put a moratorium on friending people back automatically on LJ. I'm being really picky about who I add to my friends list, because I don't really even have time to read the people who are already there. So, if you friended me and I didn't friend you back, it's probably nothing personal.

Anyway. Mostly just posting this because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm probably being horribly rude in all kinds of neglectful ways, and I don't want anyone to think it's personally directed at them. I do plan to catch up ... at some point.

Now. Must go write another paper. *sigh* I really can't wait for school to be over.

I did it! I dropped the class that was terrifying me (what with the 15 page paper and many novels and journal entries and half hour oral presentation). I've never dropped a class before, but I have AP credits from high school, so I figured, why not use them? That's what they're for, right? No reason to feel guilty; I worked harder in high school so I could have an easier time in the future. Well, it's my senior year of college, so the future is now. Yay! (I'm very relieved; can you tell?) I'm still taking three classes, but they're all much less terrifying than this one was.

Also, I got my DragonCon photos back; there are some great ones! I'll try to scan them this weekend if I have time.

Finally, I picked up the Spike/Angel TV Guide today. I like the article and the focus on Spike, as well as the inside photos, but what the hell is up with that cover photo? It looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy and an 80-year-old man. Seriously; I dunno about Boreanaz, but Marsters looks a lot better than that in RL. How did they manage to make him look worse? And why did they put it on the cover?

Ah well ... bad cover is better than no cover, right?

Oh, and am I the only one who likes the new LJ style? Much cleaner and more attractive.

Now, back to work....

I took a bunch of people off of my friends' list today. This is not anything personal toward anyone--it's just that school is about to start, and I know I'm going to be insanely busy and stressed. Rather than quitting LJ altogether, I decided instead to try and trim my friends' list down to a manageable size. It was really hard to choose people to remove, because I honestly find everyone interesting and thought-provoking. So again, nothing personal.

Also, Sofia (who writes wonderful Spike/Buffy/Angel fic) now has a LJ. She's netweight. We've had some great conversations about the show through email, and I'm really glad she's posting her thoughts publicly in her LJ.

Last night I had a nightmare that I had to complete my senior year of high school and my senior year of college simultaneously. Except that college and high school were in different states, and all the class times were intermixed. So I had to keep taking the 2 1/2 hour train back and forth, back and forth, to get to classes. In the dream, I was running out of my parents' house to catch the bus to high school, and my cat Lucifer ran out the front door. I couldn't get him, because I'd miss the bus, so I stopped and told him to stay out of trouble. Then I ran for the bus, but the bus driver was pissed that I had stopped, so he kept driving. I knew that if I missed one more class I'd fail high school, so I ran after the bus and grabbed onto the doors, but the driver wouldn't stop. Then, just to spite me, he drove to the church instead of the high school, and refused to go any further. I woke up panicked and terrified, then was very relieved when I realized I'm out of high school, and there's no way that it will ever have power over me again.

*sigh* Can you tell I'm stressed about school starting? (It's my senior year of college, which is a lot better than high school, but still: stressful.)

Desert island meme (copied from most of the people on my friends list):

Guys:
Johnny Depp
Layne Staley (late 80's or early 90's)
Dave Gahan
Trent Reznor (around 1994 - when The Downward Spiral came out)
James Marsters (circa BtVS season five, although truthfully I'm really not attracted to JM, just to Spike)

Girls:
Shirley Manson (around whenever it was that the first Garbage record came out)
Courtney Love (circa 1994 - when Live Through This was released)

LJ people:
devilpiglet
wiseacress
kita0610
anniesj

Went to the health food store and got chocolate. Mmmm ... chocolate. (Tropical Source makes really good vegan chocolate if you're curious).

I decided to drop the "Literary Interpretation" class I was taking next semester. Instead I'm taking a science class called "Science Studies and the New Medical Genomics." I'm not a sciency person, but my school requires that you take one math or science class (hehe, only one; I'm lucky). I graduate next year and this is the only requirement I haven't fulfilled yet. It actually looks pretty interesting:

( course description )

deborahmm has a wonderful post explaining how the "Spike as serial killer" thing just doesn't make sense. I've felt this way for a long while, and she articulates why really well. Read it here.

She's also got a nice post about the inherent racism of the Jossverse demon/human metaphor, which you can read here. It goes well with paratti's post on a similar topic here.

It's 7:15 and I'm still at work. Why am I still at work? Well, mostly because my chair is more comfortable here than at home, and my keyboard at home sucks, and my apartment is really hot. Just have to remember to clear my browser cache before I go ... I really don't want my boss to see the NC-17 S/X that I've been reading.

BTW: This lovely icon comes from delectableoomph. Visit her site here.

I'm in a bad mood because it's finals week. Tomorrow I have to give a presentation using Buffy as an example to talk about feminism in the media. This is for the class where the professor comes from the Marti Noxon school of feminism; pretty much "Men are always bad and women are always good." I'm still lost as to what I'm going to talk about. (I think I'm going to compare Buffy to John Berger's Ways of Seeing and talk about how Buffy reverses a lot of traditional ways that women are portrayed in art and in the media. But I also have to talk about it as a representative of a form or genre, and I don't know what to compare it to. I don't watch any other "teen" shows, and I don't really think Buffy is a teen show anyway, so maybe I'll talk about it in terms of TV shows that explicity try to portray a "feminist" view of women. Guess I ought to decide, considering I have to give the presentation in less than 12 hours.)

I fell asleep in my film class last night, and since it was in a movie theater, I ended up sleeping in a really uncomfortable position. Now my back is killing me; I can barely turn to the left at all. I must be getting old; I've never felt this crappy just from sleeping the wrong way before.

( thoughts on Touched )