About three years ago, I was in a fandom for another TV show--my first online fandom ever, actually--and my involvement with the fandom and the show went really, really badly. After almost three years of my intense, daily involvement in this fandom, the show became unrecognizable as the thing I'd loved. My favorite character was subjected to humiliating, infuriating storylines (that made the treatment of Spike I experienced later in this fandom feel almost mild in comparison) and then finally killed off and forgotten, and for love of that character I and my like-minded fan friends were treated as the jokes and whipping boys of the fandom. And I recognize a lot of the phrasing and the hurt and the bitterness you used when you wrote this post, because I wrote and felt the same way three years ago.
So yes, the best thing I can suggest is to take a break, a step back from "Buffy"-ness for a while. I stepped out of online fandom completely for almost a year: stopped looking at fandom websites left all my favorite fandom mailing lists, stopped writing fanfiction (weeeelll, I did write one or two VERY VERY VERY BITTER stories *g*). But--and I think this is important--I kept in touch with my closest friends from that first fandom. Three years later, I still talk to them almost every day. A lot of them came with me into "Buffy" fandom and Livejournal, but even those who haven't, I couldn't imagine my life without them. It's weird: the negative experience of being in a fandom that so royally screwed us over bonded us until we've hung together through over fandoms, life crises, and daily minutiae. St. Crispin's Day speech, yo. *laughs*
The show I loved went off the air two years ago, and I'd stopped watching about a year before that. And maybe the selective amnesia of nostalgia is at work here, but in the past eight months or so I've been thinking fondly about that show I loved and my fandom experience based around it. The show ended horribly, but there WERE very good reasons that I fell in love with it in the first place. And now that the final piece of heartache is not fresh, I'm finding that the good memories I have of the show and the fandom are starting to take precedence over the final, negative ones. I want to re-read fanfiction that I loved. I want to re-watch old episodes that I loved. And the best part for me is that I don't have to plunge back into my first fandom again all by myself and lost, because I didn't cut ties with the people I loved in my first fandom, either. They know what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from, and they're starting to love the show again a little, too.
I think that one of the worst things you can do to yourself emotionally in fandom is to remain in a position of responsibility in a fandom that you have lost passion for, and that actively pains you, only because you feel responsible. All About Spike is THE BEST "Buffy" fanfiction archive online--I'm serious, bar NONE--and I would be heartbroken and horrified if it were to just disappear one day. But I think it would be best for you to either hand it over for a while to a like-minded person or people whom you trust, or (if you can afford to pay for the upkeep on a website that you don't actively use) shut down updates of the site for the immediate future and walk away for a while.
My first fandom...I will never really accept the final status of the show or think it is a good thing. But I have found peace with it; it doesn't make me actively angry when I think about it anymore. I think eventually you will find this, too; you will remember the things you loved about "Buffy", and while you will remember the negative things, you will recognize that they are not as important and that you are not 'wrong' for disliking them. I learned in my Psychology class today that our sense-memories of positive things last longer and more strongly than negatives. I think this is true for me; I think this will be true for you as well.
*hugs* Whatever you decide to do, Laura, you are not alone in this.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-07 10:40 pm (UTC)So yes, the best thing I can suggest is to take a break, a step back from "Buffy"-ness for a while. I stepped out of online fandom completely for almost a year: stopped looking at fandom websites left all my favorite fandom mailing lists, stopped writing fanfiction (weeeelll, I did write one or two VERY VERY VERY BITTER stories *g*). But--and I think this is important--I kept in touch with my closest friends from that first fandom. Three years later, I still talk to them almost every day. A lot of them came with me into "Buffy" fandom and Livejournal, but even those who haven't, I couldn't imagine my life without them. It's weird: the negative experience of being in a fandom that so royally screwed us over bonded us until we've hung together through over fandoms, life crises, and daily minutiae. St. Crispin's Day speech, yo. *laughs*
The show I loved went off the air two years ago, and I'd stopped watching about a year before that. And maybe the selective amnesia of nostalgia is at work here, but in the past eight months or so I've been thinking fondly about that show I loved and my fandom experience based around it. The show ended horribly, but there WERE very good reasons that I fell in love with it in the first place. And now that the final piece of heartache is not fresh, I'm finding that the good memories I have of the show and the fandom are starting to take precedence over the final, negative ones. I want to re-read fanfiction that I loved. I want to re-watch old episodes that I loved. And the best part for me is that I don't have to plunge back into my first fandom again all by myself and lost, because I didn't cut ties with the people I loved in my first fandom, either. They know what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from, and they're starting to love the show again a little, too.
I think that one of the worst things you can do to yourself emotionally in fandom is to remain in a position of responsibility in a fandom that you have lost passion for, and that actively pains you, only because you feel responsible. All About Spike is THE BEST "Buffy" fanfiction archive online--I'm serious, bar NONE--and I would be heartbroken and horrified if it were to just disappear one day. But I think it would be best for you to either hand it over for a while to a like-minded person or people whom you trust, or (if you can afford to pay for the upkeep on a website that you don't actively use) shut down updates of the site for the immediate future and walk away for a while.
My first fandom...I will never really accept the final status of the show or think it is a good thing. But I have found peace with it; it doesn't make me actively angry when I think about it anymore. I think eventually you will find this, too; you will remember the things you loved about "Buffy", and while you will remember the negative things, you will recognize that they are not as important and that you are not 'wrong' for disliking them. I learned in my Psychology class today that our sense-memories of positive things last longer and more strongly than negatives. I think this is true for me; I think this will be true for you as well.
*hugs* Whatever you decide to do, Laura, you are not alone in this.