Self indulgent bitching
Nov. 7th, 2003 04:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rusty_haloI just defriended a bunch of people. I don't mean to seem pompous; I'm just explaining why because I know some people tend to get upset when defriended, so I want to clarify that it wasn't personal and wasn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.
I enjoyed last night's "Angel." I thought it was funny and well-written. I don't particularly like the lack of story arc or the exposition worked into the dialogue, but I think they're basically setting the scene for the arc that will come later. I think the writers this year have a lot more passion and interest in their work than the BtVS writers had for the past two seasons. I think they're incorporating all the characters as well as can be expected; they haven't just given up on the ones they're bored by (as the BtVS writers did with most of the characters in later years). I find the jokes amusing, and while the plots have been dumbed down a bit, the themes are interesting and the writers are putting effort into exploring them.
That said, the story this year just doesn't resonate with me. When I got into BtVS -- in late season five/early season six -- something about it just connected deeply with me. There were these moments like: Spike resisting torture in Intervention, Buffy giving Spike a little kiss and telling him that what he did was "real," Spike reaching out to touch Dawn's hair, Spike reassuring Dawn that she's not evil, Spike grabbing the sword with his bare hands, Spike reassuring Tara that it was okay that she burned him, Xander lighting Spike's cigarette for him, Spike promising to protect Dawn until the end of the world, the look on Spike's face when Buffy invites him back into her home, Spike crying over Buffy's body, Spike playing cards with Dawn, Spike wincing at the Buffybot, Spike taking Buffy's hands and promising to take care of her, Spike slamming his fist into the wall, the 147 days speech, the "every night I save you" speech, etc.
Watching those, I had that feeling you get when you listen to great music, or watch a brilliant movie, or see a gorgeous painting; when you experience art that connects with you. I know this sounds clichéd and stupid, but I don't know how else to express it: it's like the art goes straight into your soul. I got that feeling again, for the first time in a long time, when I saw the Cruxshadows last weekend. I haven't gotten it from Spike since the end of Beneath You, and before that the last time was early season six.
The aspect that appealed to me most about Spike's story was that he was such an outsider, and he wanted to find love and acceptance. I wanted to see the story of someone who became a better person but didn't have to conform; I wanted to see that he deserved to be loved for what he did, not who he was. I wanted to see that his actions mattered more than his essential nature. I wanted a story that said you can be different, not fit into what other people want you to be, reject the whole idea of "normal," not be a "champion," not be the subject of prophecy, just be yourself and live your life and that's okay--you can still find a place.
This mattered to me because I've always felt this struggle, this question, can I be myself and still find a place? Do I have to conform to other people's expectations or can I be a good person according to my own definition (and who cares what anyone else thinks)? I've always been an outsider, and preferred to be an outsider ("normal" holds no appeal whatsoever) and I wanted to see a story that said that you can be an outsider and still matter, still lead a satisfying life.
Um, I didn't get that story. I got a story of conformity and destruction of individuality. I watched Spike change himself and change himself to please a moron who had no capacity whatsoever to appreciate or understand or care about him. When he refused to get over his pathetic Buffy obsession (why couldn't he see that she was a vicious selfish bitch who didn't deserve his love in any way, shape, or form???) and then went to get a soul to please her, Spike went from someone I respected, identified with, and cared about to someone I pitied.
On BtVS, I watched "normal" be held up as an ideal to which all should aspire and can never be happy without. And now in AtS I'm watching Spike desire not only normalcy, but to have his existence validated by some big shiny prophecy? Sorry, but I couldn't care less. Spike, get over it and stop waiting for someone else to validate you. You don't have to be a "champion" to matter as a person. You don't have to be human to enjoy "life." You have superpowers and eternal life; enjoy it!
(Please don't argue with me about this; it's purely subjective. I'm not saying it's some absolute truth or the only way to interpret the characters; I'm just saying this is what I feel and why I'm unhappy with the show.)
Anyway, so that's the reason I'm losing interest in the show. The story and the characters just don't resonate with me personally. I do think they've been written well so far on AtS, but the themes just aren't something I care about anymore. I still get upset when bad things happen to Spike, but nothing that fits my definition of "good" has happened in a long time, so it's basically all pain with very little pleasure. The story that mattered to me has been over for a long time, and it ended in just about the worst way possible. I despise the way that BtVS ended; I don't want to think or talk about that show any more. Just seeing Buffy's name in print makes me want to hit someone.
So, that said, I'm starting to disconnect myself from fandom. I just took about 45 people off of my friends list. This isn't an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, and I apologize if it does. The only reason I'm keeping my LJ at all is that there are a couple of friends I want to stay in touch with, and because I want to keep up with fanfic. I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture, so I'm not sure how much I'll be participating anymore, anyway. I can't stand who I am when I post here.
I'm still going to be running my website, because I haven't got anything better to do and it's as good of a distraction as any. I'll stop updating it when I find something better to occupy my time, which could be next week or next year for all I know. I do plan to leave the archive up as long as I can, though, since I know a lot of people find it to be a useful resource.
I enjoyed last night's "Angel." I thought it was funny and well-written. I don't particularly like the lack of story arc or the exposition worked into the dialogue, but I think they're basically setting the scene for the arc that will come later. I think the writers this year have a lot more passion and interest in their work than the BtVS writers had for the past two seasons. I think they're incorporating all the characters as well as can be expected; they haven't just given up on the ones they're bored by (as the BtVS writers did with most of the characters in later years). I find the jokes amusing, and while the plots have been dumbed down a bit, the themes are interesting and the writers are putting effort into exploring them.
That said, the story this year just doesn't resonate with me. When I got into BtVS -- in late season five/early season six -- something about it just connected deeply with me. There were these moments like: Spike resisting torture in Intervention, Buffy giving Spike a little kiss and telling him that what he did was "real," Spike reaching out to touch Dawn's hair, Spike reassuring Dawn that she's not evil, Spike grabbing the sword with his bare hands, Spike reassuring Tara that it was okay that she burned him, Xander lighting Spike's cigarette for him, Spike promising to protect Dawn until the end of the world, the look on Spike's face when Buffy invites him back into her home, Spike crying over Buffy's body, Spike playing cards with Dawn, Spike wincing at the Buffybot, Spike taking Buffy's hands and promising to take care of her, Spike slamming his fist into the wall, the 147 days speech, the "every night I save you" speech, etc.
Watching those, I had that feeling you get when you listen to great music, or watch a brilliant movie, or see a gorgeous painting; when you experience art that connects with you. I know this sounds clichéd and stupid, but I don't know how else to express it: it's like the art goes straight into your soul. I got that feeling again, for the first time in a long time, when I saw the Cruxshadows last weekend. I haven't gotten it from Spike since the end of Beneath You, and before that the last time was early season six.
The aspect that appealed to me most about Spike's story was that he was such an outsider, and he wanted to find love and acceptance. I wanted to see the story of someone who became a better person but didn't have to conform; I wanted to see that he deserved to be loved for what he did, not who he was. I wanted to see that his actions mattered more than his essential nature. I wanted a story that said you can be different, not fit into what other people want you to be, reject the whole idea of "normal," not be a "champion," not be the subject of prophecy, just be yourself and live your life and that's okay--you can still find a place.
This mattered to me because I've always felt this struggle, this question, can I be myself and still find a place? Do I have to conform to other people's expectations or can I be a good person according to my own definition (and who cares what anyone else thinks)? I've always been an outsider, and preferred to be an outsider ("normal" holds no appeal whatsoever) and I wanted to see a story that said that you can be an outsider and still matter, still lead a satisfying life.
Um, I didn't get that story. I got a story of conformity and destruction of individuality. I watched Spike change himself and change himself to please a moron who had no capacity whatsoever to appreciate or understand or care about him. When he refused to get over his pathetic Buffy obsession (why couldn't he see that she was a vicious selfish bitch who didn't deserve his love in any way, shape, or form???) and then went to get a soul to please her, Spike went from someone I respected, identified with, and cared about to someone I pitied.
On BtVS, I watched "normal" be held up as an ideal to which all should aspire and can never be happy without. And now in AtS I'm watching Spike desire not only normalcy, but to have his existence validated by some big shiny prophecy? Sorry, but I couldn't care less. Spike, get over it and stop waiting for someone else to validate you. You don't have to be a "champion" to matter as a person. You don't have to be human to enjoy "life." You have superpowers and eternal life; enjoy it!
(Please don't argue with me about this; it's purely subjective. I'm not saying it's some absolute truth or the only way to interpret the characters; I'm just saying this is what I feel and why I'm unhappy with the show.)
Anyway, so that's the reason I'm losing interest in the show. The story and the characters just don't resonate with me personally. I do think they've been written well so far on AtS, but the themes just aren't something I care about anymore. I still get upset when bad things happen to Spike, but nothing that fits my definition of "good" has happened in a long time, so it's basically all pain with very little pleasure. The story that mattered to me has been over for a long time, and it ended in just about the worst way possible. I despise the way that BtVS ended; I don't want to think or talk about that show any more. Just seeing Buffy's name in print makes me want to hit someone.
So, that said, I'm starting to disconnect myself from fandom. I just took about 45 people off of my friends list. This isn't an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, and I apologize if it does. The only reason I'm keeping my LJ at all is that there are a couple of friends I want to stay in touch with, and because I want to keep up with fanfic. I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture, so I'm not sure how much I'll be participating anymore, anyway. I can't stand who I am when I post here.
I'm still going to be running my website, because I haven't got anything better to do and it's as good of a distraction as any. I'll stop updating it when I find something better to occupy my time, which could be next week or next year for all I know. I do plan to leave the archive up as long as I can, though, since I know a lot of people find it to be a useful resource.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-07 10:40 pm (UTC)So yes, the best thing I can suggest is to take a break, a step back from "Buffy"-ness for a while. I stepped out of online fandom completely for almost a year: stopped looking at fandom websites left all my favorite fandom mailing lists, stopped writing fanfiction (weeeelll, I did write one or two VERY VERY VERY BITTER stories *g*). But--and I think this is important--I kept in touch with my closest friends from that first fandom. Three years later, I still talk to them almost every day. A lot of them came with me into "Buffy" fandom and Livejournal, but even those who haven't, I couldn't imagine my life without them. It's weird: the negative experience of being in a fandom that so royally screwed us over bonded us until we've hung together through over fandoms, life crises, and daily minutiae. St. Crispin's Day speech, yo. *laughs*
The show I loved went off the air two years ago, and I'd stopped watching about a year before that. And maybe the selective amnesia of nostalgia is at work here, but in the past eight months or so I've been thinking fondly about that show I loved and my fandom experience based around it. The show ended horribly, but there WERE very good reasons that I fell in love with it in the first place. And now that the final piece of heartache is not fresh, I'm finding that the good memories I have of the show and the fandom are starting to take precedence over the final, negative ones. I want to re-read fanfiction that I loved. I want to re-watch old episodes that I loved. And the best part for me is that I don't have to plunge back into my first fandom again all by myself and lost, because I didn't cut ties with the people I loved in my first fandom, either. They know what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from, and they're starting to love the show again a little, too.
I think that one of the worst things you can do to yourself emotionally in fandom is to remain in a position of responsibility in a fandom that you have lost passion for, and that actively pains you, only because you feel responsible. All About Spike is THE BEST "Buffy" fanfiction archive online--I'm serious, bar NONE--and I would be heartbroken and horrified if it were to just disappear one day. But I think it would be best for you to either hand it over for a while to a like-minded person or people whom you trust, or (if you can afford to pay for the upkeep on a website that you don't actively use) shut down updates of the site for the immediate future and walk away for a while.
My first fandom...I will never really accept the final status of the show or think it is a good thing. But I have found peace with it; it doesn't make me actively angry when I think about it anymore. I think eventually you will find this, too; you will remember the things you loved about "Buffy", and while you will remember the negative things, you will recognize that they are not as important and that you are not 'wrong' for disliking them. I learned in my Psychology class today that our sense-memories of positive things last longer and more strongly than negatives. I think this is true for me; I think this will be true for you as well.
*hugs* Whatever you decide to do, Laura, you are not alone in this.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 08:46 pm (UTC)It's not really running the archive that upsets me. The way I live, I *need* something to really consume my attention. When I don't, I feel useless and without purpose, and I get really depressed. I still enjoy reading fanfic, so that's the best distraction I have right now.
It's the rest of the fandom stuff--all the stupid LJ politics, and analyzing the show--that are just not worth it anymore. I can't devote my attention halfway; I either care completely or I don't care at all. And caring about Spike just isn't worth it; the story I liked is over, I'm sick of defending the character for doing things that I don't like, I've lost my confidence in him (he won me over with "Intervention," but he lost me when he went for a soul). The idea of characters being damned to hell makes no sense at all, and I have no interest in talking about it; I'm an athiest, and it's just meaningless and silly to me. I don't feel like defending Spike and insisting that he's not a misogynist, because, while it was clear to me in late season five that he wasn't, Fury can distort him any way he wants and who am I to argue? I hurt when Spike hurts, and since ME loves to torture him without ever rewarding him, why should I invest myself in something like that? In "Intervention" it seemed that the pain would be worth it, but after that it never was. It's stupid to care so much about something that you have no control over. Everyone keeps saying "step back, just enjoy it and don't care so much," but I'm not like that. Either I care totally or I don't care at all. And I'm really trying to stop caring at all.