What fandom were you in? You've made me all curious.
It's not really running the archive that upsets me. The way I live, I *need* something to really consume my attention. When I don't, I feel useless and without purpose, and I get really depressed. I still enjoy reading fanfic, so that's the best distraction I have right now.
It's the rest of the fandom stuff--all the stupid LJ politics, and analyzing the show--that are just not worth it anymore. I can't devote my attention halfway; I either care completely or I don't care at all. And caring about Spike just isn't worth it; the story I liked is over, I'm sick of defending the character for doing things that I don't like, I've lost my confidence in him (he won me over with "Intervention," but he lost me when he went for a soul). The idea of characters being damned to hell makes no sense at all, and I have no interest in talking about it; I'm an athiest, and it's just meaningless and silly to me. I don't feel like defending Spike and insisting that he's not a misogynist, because, while it was clear to me in late season five that he wasn't, Fury can distort him any way he wants and who am I to argue? I hurt when Spike hurts, and since ME loves to torture him without ever rewarding him, why should I invest myself in something like that? In "Intervention" it seemed that the pain would be worth it, but after that it never was. It's stupid to care so much about something that you have no control over. Everyone keeps saying "step back, just enjoy it and don't care so much," but I'm not like that. Either I care totally or I don't care at all. And I'm really trying to stop caring at all.
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Date: 2003-11-08 08:46 pm (UTC)It's not really running the archive that upsets me. The way I live, I *need* something to really consume my attention. When I don't, I feel useless and without purpose, and I get really depressed. I still enjoy reading fanfic, so that's the best distraction I have right now.
It's the rest of the fandom stuff--all the stupid LJ politics, and analyzing the show--that are just not worth it anymore. I can't devote my attention halfway; I either care completely or I don't care at all. And caring about Spike just isn't worth it; the story I liked is over, I'm sick of defending the character for doing things that I don't like, I've lost my confidence in him (he won me over with "Intervention," but he lost me when he went for a soul). The idea of characters being damned to hell makes no sense at all, and I have no interest in talking about it; I'm an athiest, and it's just meaningless and silly to me. I don't feel like defending Spike and insisting that he's not a misogynist, because, while it was clear to me in late season five that he wasn't, Fury can distort him any way he wants and who am I to argue? I hurt when Spike hurts, and since ME loves to torture him without ever rewarding him, why should I invest myself in something like that? In "Intervention" it seemed that the pain would be worth it, but after that it never was. It's stupid to care so much about something that you have no control over. Everyone keeps saying "step back, just enjoy it and don't care so much," but I'm not like that. Either I care totally or I don't care at all. And I'm really trying to stop caring at all.