Personal posts

[rusty_halo]

I just wrote up a post, and it inadvertently got really personal and I started venting, and I ended up getting all teary and emotional as I wrote it. I posted it friends-locked, waited about five minutes, decided it was TMI, and deleted it.

Do other people do this? I do it a lot, and mostly I just feel miserable afterwards. Maybe it's because I haven't worked out my feelings as to how I feel about TMI posts and personal info and what constitutes too much and so on.

I mean on one hand, I feel like this is me, and why should I hide it? If I'm feeling something and it means a lot to me and it helps me to write it down, why should I be ashamed of it and keep it hidden? Why not just be myself 100% and not care what other people think?

But then I think of how many times I've heard someone get mocked for being too personal. "Did you read her? God, I can't believe how much she reveals. I would never show that much of myself in public." Or, "God, she's so whiny and self-involved. I read her for amusement 'cause she's so messed up." I don't want to be one of those people.

And really, it's not like you go around exposing your deepest personal feelings in public in real life, so why would you do it online? I'm almost incapable of expressing myself in reality; I keep almost everything that means something to me deep inside. But it's so easy to sit alone at your computer and write it all down.

So why not just write it down but not post it? Is there some validation that you get from knowing that other people have seen it, and that it's not solely your own anymore? Why should your feelings be more valid simply because other people have seen them? Logically it doesn't make much sense, but it's a real emotional feeling. Maybe related to the same reason we show our art in public, even if it's very personal and done to express ourselves, not to get public approval. Or maybe deep inside it really is a way of fishing for approval and/or sympathy?

I wonder if my hesitation is maybe just a matter of wanting people to respect me (not that many people respect me anyway, but there could still be a few left). I know I have a lot of respect for certain people who are always very calm and rational and post interesting thoughts and opinions instead of whining about their lives all the time. But then again, there are many people on my friends list who post very personal information frequently, and who vent in their livejournals, and that doesn't bother me at all. I still like and respect them, and I usually like the opportunity to get to know them better too. One of my problems, the reason I've had so few friends, is that I can't connect emotionally and show my real feelings to people a lot of the time. But then again, if my real feelings are unattractive and insecure and whiny, then I should keep them hidden, right? Otherwise I'm just going to scare people away, or attract people equally as fucked up as I am.

I'm not making any judgements or conclusions here. Just thinking as I write; clearly, my feelings are very contradictory and confused.

Comments

[kellyhk.livejournal.com]

(((Laura)))

if you need to vent, the LJ is the perfect place to do it. Y'all know I vent about work in mine all the time. I think "private" may be one way to keep even friends from seeing your posts if you want it just for your eyes. Don't ever regret using it. It's a great resource. Sometimes if feel better sussing out stuff in print.

[onetwomany.livejournal.com]

I vent a lot and make a lot of personal posts. Most of them I made in situations of fairly high emotion, and there are a handful I’ve really regretted - including one I actually premised with “I am so going to regret this is the morning” (and I did!). But while I occasionally feel a bit embarrassed, I don’t think there’s any real problem with being personal – provided that you are comfortable with it. LJs are great for venting, that’s what they’re there for. I’m sure just about everyone here understands and appreciates that, and no ones going to think the worse of you for writing what you think or feel. And if someone doesn’t want to read it, then it’s easy enough to skip.

That said, if the matter is particularly personal, sometimes a private post works wonders. By the time you’ve written what you want to say, chances are you’ve got your thoughts in order in such a way that you can make a rational decision about posting anyway.

Everyone has their own comfort level with personal posts. Give it time, and you’ll find yours.

[thenyxie.livejournal.com]

You know, I go through a very similar cycle myself when writing "TMI" posts. Sometimes I hold back for a while and just don't post anything, but every time I actually write something down I always post it, no matter how personal. Why? I do it for me. Because I want to be honest and be really ME with people and hiding parts of myself isn't going to allow me to do that. Either they'll like me (and sometimes I desperately hope that they will) or they'll hate me, but either way I've been true to myself. Sometimes there's no need to blast certain things out loud except that I feel moved to talk about them. Part of my goal with LJ is to become more comfortable with who I am, and the only way I can do that is to become more comfortable showing myself to people. I'd rather let it all hang out and be 100% honest than have to hide, or lie or pretend. Screw that.

But I can see the attraction for doing so. Sometimes I hit post and think, Oh God, what are people going to think about that? But everytime I do it it makes me stronger, because I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me. If I were truly concerned about what other people thought (and sometimes I ALMOST am) then I would hold back, too. We all want to shape our perception a certain way. Even with revelaing myself I shape it a certain way, so that people can understand what I'm saying better, and have a clearer vision of what I want them to see. The only difference is, I want them to see all of me. I think you should do whatever makes you comfortable. I can tell you that there's personal strength to be gained from sticking your neck out and breaking the status quo, but sometimes it comes with pain.

I'm not privy to any inner circles of any kind to my knowledge, and as such have never witnessed people raking other posters over the coals. I have at times wondered if people do this about me, and then I stop and remember that 99% of the time, nothing is about me, no matter how much it might feel that way. People are usually too caught up in their own problems or happiness and lives to spend time on crap like that. And if they do have time, well, I think it says something. I'm not going to go into what, but I think you probably get what I mean.

And in the end? People who talk crap about others who are in pain or sharing mode or whatever are people who simply cannot imagine themselves doing such a thing. They have limits; these other people don't have the same limits. There's nothing inherently "wrong" about that, but unfortunately we live in a society where people feel a huge need to put others down--almost always because they're lacking in their own self-esteem. And that truly sucks. Whenever someone puts me down, I try to remember that THEY are the ones perceiving me as wrong for being who I am, and that the problem is not mine unless I decide that it is, in which case I can change it. I can't control what other people think, but I can control how I feel and think and react to what they think. It's tough, but it gets easier with practice, and after a while it doesn't require too much of an effort.

And now I've written a novel and perhaps overshared. Ah well. Probably I'm the only one who cares :)

[chrisjournal.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think everyone goes through this. I don't post mine as open posts, but I definitely write TMI kinds of things. Sometimes I need to share, and I share with a small subset of friends, or just with friends. And sometimes, I write them and post privately so no one can see but me.

There's something cathartic about just writing things out, and sometimes I want or need advice about a problem -- that's where custom groups come in really handy.

Bottom line is, you have to do what's comfortable for you. It took me a long, long time to come to grips with the fact that LJ is just inherently self-focused and that *that's okay* (oh lord. Stewart Smiley much?)

Hang in there...

And oh yeah...

[chrisjournal.livejournal.com]

Do you *really* care what someone who gossips behind others' backs says, anyway? I mean really. If I were the sort of person who'd go reaming you out and giggling with my 'inner circle' about it, would it *matter* to you what I think? Somehow I seriously doubt it.

I've occasionally witnessed gaggles ripping folks to shreds, and inevitably, I lose far respect for the people doing the ripping than the person being shredded. Shrugs. *Not* my loss, and not yours, either.

[d-irge.livejournal.com]

from someone who friends-locked a few posts after publically airing a lot of angry dirty TMI laundry--

i believe the appeal of it is because of the semi-anonymity of being on-line, a bit like inexpensive group therapy. sometimes when you can't or don't want to tell the ones in real life, but need to say something, need to get it out, vent or scream, or you'll explode.

and sometimes, a little sympathy from someone who may not know you as intimately as your friends might be the thing you need.

because, sometimes it's just nice to know someone cares.

---

regarding work: your company may want to look into e-learning and content management. most of our newer clients are involved in it in some form or another, and it seems to really be taking off.

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

You know something? I really can't wait to meet you in person.

Two and a half weeks to Dragon Con!!!

LJs

[chenanceou.livejournal.com]

LJs are yours to do as you wish and who cares what other people think? I am one of those delightful people who only comes here to rant and whine - when I'm happy I am too busy enjoying it. So life goes. I have kept a diary since I was 11 and trust me - even then I wrote much whining and ranting.
Just be yourself sweet, you are pretty amazing just the way you are.

[spikewriter]

The good thing was that you let it out, even if you did delete it later. I often write venting posts to LJ, but I often change them to "friends only" halfway through, and sometimes they go "private" even after that.

Perhaps the need for validation comes not so much from the need for approval, but the acknowledgement that we -- and our feelings -- exist, that we're not just spewing into a black hole. I know in my experience with other writers, there's a tremendous need to know that other people are out there who are suffering like you are, that you're not alone and not crazy. It's part of the need to connect.

Why do you not do it in real life and are able to do it when you sit down at the computer? Because the computer is in your comfort zone; you control it and it doesn't spit judgements back at you and you know it doesn't talk behind your back. Notice how many of us seem to have a certain emotional attachment to our machines that shows up when they start going down. (Okay, so we call them stupid dumbfucks as well, but I hope you see what I mean.)

Because we have that level of trust with what we put on the screen, it's very easy to let that spill over into an on-line community. Perhaps that one of the reasons there are so many fannish kerfluffles, because we are more open with our feelings in this arena, even with parts of our mind are telling us we shouldn't be. Heart vs. head, instinct vs. intellect and all that.

Just some thoughts, but the ultimate thing is that its your journal and you need to do what makes you comfortable.

[miggy.livejournal.com]

I read the post in question, and all I can say is:

1) The people who are doing what you're complaining about are asshats
2) Anyone who would dare make fun of you for posting your own concerns behind a friends-locked post is an asshat

But it's not enough to intellectually know people are asshats, yeah? Not if they're doing the actions that hurt you on a deeper level. (And man, I wish I could return the favor for you. I have sharp fingernails and no compunctions about drawing blood. Ahem.) All I can think of is to set up a filter for the people you... well, trust, for lack of a better word. Trust not to judge, even if you can't trust them to always sympathize. I've done that, and it makes me feel better to not only know that I'm not dealing with emotions no one can understand simply because I can't bring myself to share them, but also that what I'm saying won't be used against me.

[lanieday.livejournal.com]

I post and delete things every day it seems.

I do try and refrain from posting personal entries in my LJ but I do have another enviorment online where I can post personal entries. I have over two years worth of blathering babbling archives to prove it.

So yeah I totally understand. I'm constantly deleting things from my LJ.

[kitanotjames.livejournal.com]

You gotta do what you feel comfortable with, babe. If you deleted a post immediately after writing it, then obviously you weren't comfortable with that kind of wide boundary. It's not right or wrong, it's cool either way.

And having met you, I can assure you that you are QUITE capable of expressing yourself in person. Don't sell yourself short. If I can be really bold and sound a bit like a Jewish mom for a moment? It's also part of being in your 20's. It's like ten fucking years of figuring out where you are, who you are, and how much of yourself you want to share with other people. It's hard. But it'll be over one day and you'll figure it out and you'll pass your wisdom on. Cause you rock like a rocking thing.

-Kita

[kimberly-a.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how often you look at my journal, but you may have noticed that I really don't hold anything back (unless it includes someone else's secrets that aren't mine to reveal, in which case I make the post private). It has never -- before this moment -- crossed my mind that anyone might be reading my journal in order to mock me and my problems.

And, to be honest, if anyone is doing that, I think they've got worse problems than I do.

I might find a lot of purely rational journals interesting on an intellectual level, but they don't move me. When I'm reading, I prefer to read journals that show the real person behind the mask, rather than an even more constructed public persona. Not everyone wants to show who they really are in a public forum (or even in a restricted forum, such as friends-only posts or even filtered posts), and I don't judge them for that, but the public mask isn't what means the most to me when I'm reading.

But that's just me.

[nmissi.livejournal.com]

I actually prefer to have posts on friends-only... as a happy medium. I've kept diaries all my life, but I have none of them now. Why? Because periodically I go thru phases of self-hatred where I become ashamed of the way I used to feel, and I would just then burn my diary. Livejournal makes it hard to do that, because even if the post is gone, the knowledge is still out there- someone else read it, so the compunction to destroy it, and thereby sweep those uncomfortable feelings under the rug, is lessened.

I am totally, no-holds-barred open with my Friends only postings. Which means alot of people can read the awfullest crap in my life. And probably get v. tired of some of the sturm und drang. But I don't want to ignore them anymore, those icky feelings. I don't want to hide them away, pretending everything is fine, and they don't exist. I did that too long. And it was wrong.

Because they WERE my feelings at some point, no matter how embarrassing or painful they may become in hindsight. And They're part of who I am and how I got here. And thusly, nothing I should be ashamed of, especially not before people I consider friends.

[ex-devilpigl935.livejournal.com]

Today was my first public LJ post in about six weeks. During that time I didn't read anyone else's journals, and disabled the comment notification function.

I also regularly updated my own journal, and merely kept the posts Private. For me at least, it worked out beautifully. I see my blog/LJ as a loose record of my life right now, good and bad. While I had gotten disillusioned with some of the personalities on LJ, that didn't have to mean I robbed myself of the opportunity to write, and tell little stories, and even vent. It just meant that I was able to name names.

Other people have made great points -- that emotional posts can form a connection that more sterile ones can't; that it can be cathartic; and that there's not much you could do to lose our respect. I don't want this to sound like advice, but I do hope that you continue to write when you feel the urge. It can be incredibly helpful and comforting, and it can also serve as a place marker in your own personal history -- it's soothing, really, to look back at this time last year via my blog and see that I've accomplished things and maybe even grown up a little. Who sees your posts, and when, is entirely up to you. If you do decide to make your thoughts (semi-)public, think of us as an audience that cares about you -- because we are.

[claudia-yvr.livejournal.com]

Everyone's already made some excellent points. The key one is to do whatever feels right for you. Sometimes you may want to post something privately, sometimes you might want to only share with a select group of confidantes, sometimes you might want to tell all your friends and sometimes you'll want to shout it from the rooftops.

::hugs::

[http://users.livejournal.com/_flaming_june_/]

At this point I can't say much but "ditto," but I would like to add that this surprises me:

not that many people respect me anyway

I certainly respect you, and anyone I've ever talked with about you (sure, a limited number of folk, but still) has seemed to evince nothing but respect for you, as well.

I'm sorry you're feeling low, sweetie. I've done the post-vent-delete thing, plenty of times. I think it's only natural to feel ambivalent about the role of LJ, how to use it-- on the one hand, it sometimes seems so egalitarian and supportive and great, and non-judgemental; while on the other, there's the performative, competitive aspect in which people can be catty and judgemental about the entertainment value of others' posts. I'd just echo those above who say do what feels right, and if that means posting-venting-deleting, then do that.

::hugs::

[snoopygirll.livejournal.com]

maybe deep inside it really is a way of fishing for approval and/or sympathy

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Nothing wrong with it but it's good to recognize it.

or attract people equally as fucked up as I am

*waves*

[eliade.livejournal.com]

First, on the subject of *me*... ;)

But then I think of how many times I've heard someone get mocked for being too personal. "Did you read her? God, I can't believe how much she reveals. I would never show that much of myself in public." Or, "God, she's so whiny and self-involved. I read her for amusement 'cause she's so messed up." I don't want to be one of those people.

I probably shouldn't, but I feel paranoid! For at least a moment there. Which is probably a good means by which to sanity-check myself. ;)

I really have no idea what people may or may not say about me--if I were slapped in the face with people's contempt or something, I suspect I'd be upset. But until that happens, I really just have to follow my own instincts. I have heard with my own ears someone say, by way of slamming LJs, "I can't understand how people can publicize all their private thoughts on LJ and I've seen things that make me lose respect for that person." A dismissal that irritates me, because LJ is not some unique forum--god knows I've lost respect for people who reveal themselves to be utter pinheads by virtue of what they post to a mailing list.

But anyway. You can't worry about those people in any abstract way, and if you actually *know* people like that...um, I'm not sure I have any good advice there. I know plenty of gossips, but they don't tend to be the kind who snark others for saying too much. *g*

But my general thought is: best simply to gauge your own words and use your friends as a sanity-check if necessary as you're doing here.

More thoughts on the theme of me, because if the topic is the dangers of ego, one might as well indulge. (Right? Er...) I wanted to note, just as a matter of interest, or not, that I almost never friends-lock. I can't remember the last time I did so. I self-censor, though it might not always be apparent. And I've posted a few things and then made them private--often quickly--as I decide I'm too ranty or whatever. But I continue to take the risk of appearing self-absorbed and fucked-up because, for one thing, I'm not sure I know how to shut up. But also, I know from having gotten testimonials of sorts that posts about drinking and depression and all that yadda have actually been welcome by some people who felt alone and adrift in those boats. And that's a good feeling, because feeling isolated about that stuff is horrible and my disclosures (or, um, whiny gripes) can make a few other people feel better, that eases my own funk a bit.

And also, I admire, as a model, a writer like Anne Lamott who pretty much just puts it all out there--her drug problems, her struggle with faith, her wild ups and downs. I don't write about my own issues with the grace and soul and wit and eloquence that she does, because she's freaking amazing, but having her in mind, I don't feel that self-revelation is inherently bad.

This is all just muse-y self-absorbed twaddle, and I don't know if it helps, but there you go. *g*