The institution of marriage is pretty stupid. But intolerance sucks.


Still feeling like complete shit over the Angel cancellation.

I am completely disgusted with some of the haughty, condescending, lectury responses that I've seen. You're glad the show is over? You don't like fan campaigns? Fine, don't participate. But that doesn't make you a better person than I am. Get off your high horse and stop acting like you're superior to those of us who care.

[rant directed only to those who are acting snooty, not to those who just don't care for whatever reasons]

I wasn't particularly enjoying Angel this season. I'm still completely disgusted that it was cancelled. A bad episode of AtS is still better than damn near anything else on television. At least they're trying to do something original, to make people think, to break boundaries, instead of just appealing to the lowest common denominator.

It's fucked up that this culture venerates mediocrity. It's fucked up that passionate, intelligent, creative people either have to dumb down their work or face constant struggles and very little chance of success. It's fucked up that Charmed got renewed instead of Angel, or that The Cruxshadows and Common Rotation are struggling in near-obscurity while Britney Spears sells millions of records. It's fucked up that my high school cancelled the challenging, quality-and-art-focused Media Arts class in favor of the lame, propogandistic, poorly-produced Television Production class. That's just the way our culture is.

Anyway. I have barely slept all week, so I'm very incoherent right now.

I went to see Common Rotation in Connecticut today. A "living room show" -- they come to people's houses and play in their living rooms. It was pretty neat--I took the train up with [livejournal.com profile] soulmate815, we went to this woman's house, ate party food and drank beer, watched the band play in the living room. There were maybe ... 20? 30? people there. I suck with numbers. The band members were around and talking, which was neat, though I didn't talk to any of them--I'm content to enjoy their music, but I wouldn't really call myself a fan. Well, fan in the casual "I enjoy your art" sense, not in the "I care enough to wonder about you as a person" sense. Anyway, it was fun. Then [livejournal.com profile] thefangirl and her friend drove us back to Manhattan, which was nice, and it was good to hang out with [livejournal.com profile] thefangirl. (And it was her birthday. Happy birthday, again!)

Anyway. Then I came home, read Joss's message, and started crying. Stupid WB.

I hate watching fandom fade away. I know a lot of people will stick around, and there will still be a core group years and years from now. But a lot of people will leave, and it's going to suck. Watching my favorite writers disappear, watching my favorite websites shut down, watching my website become irrelevant ... it's all going to suck.

Also (inspired by a discussion with some people tonight about the politics of friending): If you want to defriend me, for god's sake, please do. I'm not going to have a crying fit or hate you forever because of it. Interests diverge, personalities conflict, it happens.

I have a lot of people on my flist because I want to keep up with their fic, btw, and I know that we have little in common and that they're probably annoyed or bored by my posts. Don't feel obligated to keep me on your flist; just post your fic publicly to make sure I don't miss it. ;)

Oh, and *hugs* to everyone who IM'd me the other day. It really helped to have people to talk to. I apologize for being slow to answer--I got a little overwhelmed a couple of times. But, anyway, thanks.

I just read this over, and damn, this is a schizophrenic post. Political, bitchy, sad, happy, sad, depressed, bitchy, grateful. Huh. Must go catch up on sleep....
bitching about LJ )

The good news: in all the hours of running around NYC between classes, carrying heavy bags full of heavy books that are still making my back ache, I managed to stop for a few minutes and pick up poster frames for my Chance poster and my Spike/Angel (AtS Season 5) poster. The S/A poster looks so cool sitting atop the (non-functional, but very neat looking) fireplace in my bedroom. And it looks ever slashier from a distance. And it's signed. (The signature is all sloppy, but I've managed to convince myself that's because JM was distracted because he was just so delighted to see me again, and has nothing to do with the fact that he'd been sitting there for hours signing autographs and his hand was probably very tired). :)

Also: I know I have LJ comments to reply to and emails to reply to and stories to update and archive and change and whatever else. I'm working on it. I apologize for all delays and slowness and whatever else; it's not meant as rudeness, honestly.
I just wrote up a post, and it inadvertently got really personal and I started venting, and I ended up getting all teary and emotional as I wrote it. I posted it friends-locked, waited about five minutes, decided it was TMI, and deleted it.

Do other people do this? I do it a lot, and mostly I just feel miserable afterwards. Maybe it's because I haven't worked out my feelings as to how I feel about TMI posts and personal info and what constitutes too much and so on.

I mean on one hand, I feel like this is me, and why should I hide it? If I'm feeling something and it means a lot to me and it helps me to write it down, why should I be ashamed of it and keep it hidden? Why not just be myself 100% and not care what other people think?

But then I think of how many times I've heard someone get mocked for being too personal. "Did you read her? God, I can't believe how much she reveals. I would never show that much of myself in public." Or, "God, she's so whiny and self-involved. I read her for amusement 'cause she's so messed up." I don't want to be one of those people.

And really, it's not like you go around exposing your deepest personal feelings in public in real life, so why would you do it online? I'm almost incapable of expressing myself in reality; I keep almost everything that means something to me deep inside. But it's so easy to sit alone at your computer and write it all down.

So why not just write it down but not post it? Is there some validation that you get from knowing that other people have seen it, and that it's not solely your own anymore? Why should your feelings be more valid simply because other people have seen them? Logically it doesn't make much sense, but it's a real emotional feeling. Maybe related to the same reason we show our art in public, even if it's very personal and done to express ourselves, not to get public approval. Or maybe deep inside it really is a way of fishing for approval and/or sympathy?

I wonder if my hesitation is maybe just a matter of wanting people to respect me (not that many people respect me anyway, but there could still be a few left). I know I have a lot of respect for certain people who are always very calm and rational and post interesting thoughts and opinions instead of whining about their lives all the time. But then again, there are many people on my friends list who post very personal information frequently, and who vent in their livejournals, and that doesn't bother me at all. I still like and respect them, and I usually like the opportunity to get to know them better too. One of my problems, the reason I've had so few friends, is that I can't connect emotionally and show my real feelings to people a lot of the time. But then again, if my real feelings are unattractive and insecure and whiny, then I should keep them hidden, right? Otherwise I'm just going to scare people away, or attract people equally as fucked up as I am.

I'm not making any judgements or conclusions here. Just thinking as I write; clearly, my feelings are very contradictory and confused.

rusty-halo.com

I blog about fannish things. Busy with work so don't update often. Mirrored at rusty-halo.com.

August 2018

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