Self indulgent bitching
Nov. 7th, 2003 04:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rusty_haloI just defriended a bunch of people. I don't mean to seem pompous; I'm just explaining why because I know some people tend to get upset when defriended, so I want to clarify that it wasn't personal and wasn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.
I enjoyed last night's "Angel." I thought it was funny and well-written. I don't particularly like the lack of story arc or the exposition worked into the dialogue, but I think they're basically setting the scene for the arc that will come later. I think the writers this year have a lot more passion and interest in their work than the BtVS writers had for the past two seasons. I think they're incorporating all the characters as well as can be expected; they haven't just given up on the ones they're bored by (as the BtVS writers did with most of the characters in later years). I find the jokes amusing, and while the plots have been dumbed down a bit, the themes are interesting and the writers are putting effort into exploring them.
That said, the story this year just doesn't resonate with me. When I got into BtVS -- in late season five/early season six -- something about it just connected deeply with me. There were these moments like: Spike resisting torture in Intervention, Buffy giving Spike a little kiss and telling him that what he did was "real," Spike reaching out to touch Dawn's hair, Spike reassuring Dawn that she's not evil, Spike grabbing the sword with his bare hands, Spike reassuring Tara that it was okay that she burned him, Xander lighting Spike's cigarette for him, Spike promising to protect Dawn until the end of the world, the look on Spike's face when Buffy invites him back into her home, Spike crying over Buffy's body, Spike playing cards with Dawn, Spike wincing at the Buffybot, Spike taking Buffy's hands and promising to take care of her, Spike slamming his fist into the wall, the 147 days speech, the "every night I save you" speech, etc.
Watching those, I had that feeling you get when you listen to great music, or watch a brilliant movie, or see a gorgeous painting; when you experience art that connects with you. I know this sounds clichéd and stupid, but I don't know how else to express it: it's like the art goes straight into your soul. I got that feeling again, for the first time in a long time, when I saw the Cruxshadows last weekend. I haven't gotten it from Spike since the end of Beneath You, and before that the last time was early season six.
The aspect that appealed to me most about Spike's story was that he was such an outsider, and he wanted to find love and acceptance. I wanted to see the story of someone who became a better person but didn't have to conform; I wanted to see that he deserved to be loved for what he did, not who he was. I wanted to see that his actions mattered more than his essential nature. I wanted a story that said you can be different, not fit into what other people want you to be, reject the whole idea of "normal," not be a "champion," not be the subject of prophecy, just be yourself and live your life and that's okay--you can still find a place.
This mattered to me because I've always felt this struggle, this question, can I be myself and still find a place? Do I have to conform to other people's expectations or can I be a good person according to my own definition (and who cares what anyone else thinks)? I've always been an outsider, and preferred to be an outsider ("normal" holds no appeal whatsoever) and I wanted to see a story that said that you can be an outsider and still matter, still lead a satisfying life.
Um, I didn't get that story. I got a story of conformity and destruction of individuality. I watched Spike change himself and change himself to please a moron who had no capacity whatsoever to appreciate or understand or care about him. When he refused to get over his pathetic Buffy obsession (why couldn't he see that she was a vicious selfish bitch who didn't deserve his love in any way, shape, or form???) and then went to get a soul to please her, Spike went from someone I respected, identified with, and cared about to someone I pitied.
On BtVS, I watched "normal" be held up as an ideal to which all should aspire and can never be happy without. And now in AtS I'm watching Spike desire not only normalcy, but to have his existence validated by some big shiny prophecy? Sorry, but I couldn't care less. Spike, get over it and stop waiting for someone else to validate you. You don't have to be a "champion" to matter as a person. You don't have to be human to enjoy "life." You have superpowers and eternal life; enjoy it!
(Please don't argue with me about this; it's purely subjective. I'm not saying it's some absolute truth or the only way to interpret the characters; I'm just saying this is what I feel and why I'm unhappy with the show.)
Anyway, so that's the reason I'm losing interest in the show. The story and the characters just don't resonate with me personally. I do think they've been written well so far on AtS, but the themes just aren't something I care about anymore. I still get upset when bad things happen to Spike, but nothing that fits my definition of "good" has happened in a long time, so it's basically all pain with very little pleasure. The story that mattered to me has been over for a long time, and it ended in just about the worst way possible. I despise the way that BtVS ended; I don't want to think or talk about that show any more. Just seeing Buffy's name in print makes me want to hit someone.
So, that said, I'm starting to disconnect myself from fandom. I just took about 45 people off of my friends list. This isn't an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, and I apologize if it does. The only reason I'm keeping my LJ at all is that there are a couple of friends I want to stay in touch with, and because I want to keep up with fanfic. I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture, so I'm not sure how much I'll be participating anymore, anyway. I can't stand who I am when I post here.
I'm still going to be running my website, because I haven't got anything better to do and it's as good of a distraction as any. I'll stop updating it when I find something better to occupy my time, which could be next week or next year for all I know. I do plan to leave the archive up as long as I can, though, since I know a lot of people find it to be a useful resource.
I enjoyed last night's "Angel." I thought it was funny and well-written. I don't particularly like the lack of story arc or the exposition worked into the dialogue, but I think they're basically setting the scene for the arc that will come later. I think the writers this year have a lot more passion and interest in their work than the BtVS writers had for the past two seasons. I think they're incorporating all the characters as well as can be expected; they haven't just given up on the ones they're bored by (as the BtVS writers did with most of the characters in later years). I find the jokes amusing, and while the plots have been dumbed down a bit, the themes are interesting and the writers are putting effort into exploring them.
That said, the story this year just doesn't resonate with me. When I got into BtVS -- in late season five/early season six -- something about it just connected deeply with me. There were these moments like: Spike resisting torture in Intervention, Buffy giving Spike a little kiss and telling him that what he did was "real," Spike reaching out to touch Dawn's hair, Spike reassuring Dawn that she's not evil, Spike grabbing the sword with his bare hands, Spike reassuring Tara that it was okay that she burned him, Xander lighting Spike's cigarette for him, Spike promising to protect Dawn until the end of the world, the look on Spike's face when Buffy invites him back into her home, Spike crying over Buffy's body, Spike playing cards with Dawn, Spike wincing at the Buffybot, Spike taking Buffy's hands and promising to take care of her, Spike slamming his fist into the wall, the 147 days speech, the "every night I save you" speech, etc.
Watching those, I had that feeling you get when you listen to great music, or watch a brilliant movie, or see a gorgeous painting; when you experience art that connects with you. I know this sounds clichéd and stupid, but I don't know how else to express it: it's like the art goes straight into your soul. I got that feeling again, for the first time in a long time, when I saw the Cruxshadows last weekend. I haven't gotten it from Spike since the end of Beneath You, and before that the last time was early season six.
The aspect that appealed to me most about Spike's story was that he was such an outsider, and he wanted to find love and acceptance. I wanted to see the story of someone who became a better person but didn't have to conform; I wanted to see that he deserved to be loved for what he did, not who he was. I wanted to see that his actions mattered more than his essential nature. I wanted a story that said you can be different, not fit into what other people want you to be, reject the whole idea of "normal," not be a "champion," not be the subject of prophecy, just be yourself and live your life and that's okay--you can still find a place.
This mattered to me because I've always felt this struggle, this question, can I be myself and still find a place? Do I have to conform to other people's expectations or can I be a good person according to my own definition (and who cares what anyone else thinks)? I've always been an outsider, and preferred to be an outsider ("normal" holds no appeal whatsoever) and I wanted to see a story that said that you can be an outsider and still matter, still lead a satisfying life.
Um, I didn't get that story. I got a story of conformity and destruction of individuality. I watched Spike change himself and change himself to please a moron who had no capacity whatsoever to appreciate or understand or care about him. When he refused to get over his pathetic Buffy obsession (why couldn't he see that she was a vicious selfish bitch who didn't deserve his love in any way, shape, or form???) and then went to get a soul to please her, Spike went from someone I respected, identified with, and cared about to someone I pitied.
On BtVS, I watched "normal" be held up as an ideal to which all should aspire and can never be happy without. And now in AtS I'm watching Spike desire not only normalcy, but to have his existence validated by some big shiny prophecy? Sorry, but I couldn't care less. Spike, get over it and stop waiting for someone else to validate you. You don't have to be a "champion" to matter as a person. You don't have to be human to enjoy "life." You have superpowers and eternal life; enjoy it!
(Please don't argue with me about this; it's purely subjective. I'm not saying it's some absolute truth or the only way to interpret the characters; I'm just saying this is what I feel and why I'm unhappy with the show.)
Anyway, so that's the reason I'm losing interest in the show. The story and the characters just don't resonate with me personally. I do think they've been written well so far on AtS, but the themes just aren't something I care about anymore. I still get upset when bad things happen to Spike, but nothing that fits my definition of "good" has happened in a long time, so it's basically all pain with very little pleasure. The story that mattered to me has been over for a long time, and it ended in just about the worst way possible. I despise the way that BtVS ended; I don't want to think or talk about that show any more. Just seeing Buffy's name in print makes me want to hit someone.
So, that said, I'm starting to disconnect myself from fandom. I just took about 45 people off of my friends list. This isn't an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, and I apologize if it does. The only reason I'm keeping my LJ at all is that there are a couple of friends I want to stay in touch with, and because I want to keep up with fanfic. I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture, so I'm not sure how much I'll be participating anymore, anyway. I can't stand who I am when I post here.
I'm still going to be running my website, because I haven't got anything better to do and it's as good of a distraction as any. I'll stop updating it when I find something better to occupy my time, which could be next week or next year for all I know. I do plan to leave the archive up as long as I can, though, since I know a lot of people find it to be a useful resource.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 03:29 am (UTC)I do want to thank you for All About Spike. It's a wonderful site.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 08:56 pm (UTC)I've been looking for something else to devote myself to, also. I don't think a TV show is going to work for me; TV is too much about profit and actors and schedules and networks, not about art. In the past I was mostly interested in music and movies, which seems to work a lot better. If you choose a band carefully enough, you can be pretty well assured that they're going to stick by their convictions and not sell out. And you can choose a movie because it's usually self-contained; you don't have to worry that they're going to turn your favorite character into an attempted rapist later on. I'm hoping that something will catch my attention soon; I really need something new.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 11:06 pm (UTC)I can understand wanting to stay away from a television series and your point about movies being self-contained makes sense. What movies interested you before? Just wondering.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-09 01:56 am (UTC)I used to be really into Star Wars. The *original* three films, not the prequels, not the hacked-up "special editions." I wasn't part of a community but I watched the movies over and over, collected stuff, read all the tie-ins, did a lot of artwork, talked about it non-stop, etc. That was from about ages 7-13. (Before that, I was into "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"--hey, another TV show!) After that I was into music--Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Uranium 235. After U235 I got into Buffy.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 04:02 am (UTC)Having said that...I've been on the bad end of fandom, albeit in another one, and I stuck it out way after the fun was gone for me. I just really don't recommend it; it can really suck the life right out of you, if fandom means anything to you, which it obviously does. While I don't share your views on Spike, or even your passion for him, you have become very important to me, and that's my priority, not the show or a character on it or anything else.
So you do what is best for you, and I'm just gonna keep bein' here, reading your LJ to see what you're up to (loved your review of the Cruxshadows), supporting whatever you want to do with your life, and hoping we can hang at another con - or even just in the Big Apple or here in the Big Smoke - sharing laughs and thoughts.
{{HUGS}}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 08:57 pm (UTC)I'm definitely hoping we can hang out more sometime soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 04:02 am (UTC)I've been doing fandom about 15 years. This is my third community. The politics stuff happens, and I used to get caught up in it. Nowadays, I ignore it.
My fandom is about what *I* enjoy, and the friends I've made with the things I enjoy as a catalyst. It's not about what anybody else likes. It's not about what anybody else thinks of what I like. If people think I'm a ditzy serial killer lover, that's their priviledge and their opinion, and they're entitled to think it. However, I don't have to give their opinion any weight at all. That's *my* priviledge.
The one thing in this world we can control is ourselves. What other people do will always be beyond our grasp. We may influence others, but we can't rule them. By the same token, nobody has power over you that you don't cede.
I apologize for pontificating. It's my flaw...
I understand your frustration with the politics of fandom. I share it. In my perfect world, the competition between fan factions doesn't exist because, actually, it's absurd and moronic. There isn't anything to be won or lost here.
It's just a story.
To quote Shakespeare, "'Tis a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, and signifying nothing."
But when the story no longer entertains, there simply isn't any reason to keep holding on. I hope you can find something else to give you the pleasure you once had from BtVS.
But remember, the rest of us aren't just Spike-loving ciphers. And sharing a love of Spike isn't the only reason any of us would consider being your friend. Leaving the fandom doesn't mean you have to leave the community. There are plenty of things in the world to talk about with friends that aren't BtVS.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 09:05 pm (UTC)It's true that people's opinions don't have power over you unless you let them. I don't really care about what some strangers think, but part of the problem of trying to keep up with fic is that I've ended up with many people on my friends' list from different sections of fandom that I admire as writers. So when someone I admire (and the act of admiration gives them power over me, I guess) posts that "anyone who watches the show just for Spike and doesn't appreciate the glory of Wesley is a childish rape supporting moron who should stop watching the show and doesn't count as a true fan," it does hurt my feelings. It wouldn't if it were a stranger, but it's someone I know, someone I look up to, so they have the power to hurt me. And often it's someone who is specifically responding to something I've posted. They don't have the guts to tell me that I'm a moron to my face, so they go posting it in their journal--as if I'm not going to see it?? They're *on* my friends' list! And if they really think I'm such a moron, why don't they defriend me? And then I see people who I consider friends telling them how awesome they are, and I think--do these friends really think I'm a complete moron? Yet, y'know, every time they write a new story they send it to me for archiving, and really, if they think I'm such a moron then maybe they ought to say so to my face instead of sucking up and then gossiping behind my back.
And so on. Sorry for the rant; it's just all so political and juvenile and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 06:10 am (UTC)I understand what you're saying about LJ, but I hope you won't stop posting altogether. I'm interested in hearing how your schooling is going and about some of the other things happening in your life. That's been the big benefit of LJ for me; a number of people who I like have started to fall away from BtVS/AtS fandom and I've been able to stay in contact because we're not on lists that are restricted to just one thing. I enjoy hearing what people are reading or what movies they've seen or what other things are going on in their lives.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-11-08 09:07 pm (UTC)