Self indulgent bitching

[rusty_halo]

I just defriended a bunch of people. I don't mean to seem pompous; I'm just explaining why because I know some people tend to get upset when defriended, so I want to clarify that it wasn't personal and wasn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

I enjoyed last night's "Angel." I thought it was funny and well-written. I don't particularly like the lack of story arc or the exposition worked into the dialogue, but I think they're basically setting the scene for the arc that will come later. I think the writers this year have a lot more passion and interest in their work than the BtVS writers had for the past two seasons. I think they're incorporating all the characters as well as can be expected; they haven't just given up on the ones they're bored by (as the BtVS writers did with most of the characters in later years). I find the jokes amusing, and while the plots have been dumbed down a bit, the themes are interesting and the writers are putting effort into exploring them.

That said, the story this year just doesn't resonate with me. When I got into BtVS -- in late season five/early season six -- something about it just connected deeply with me. There were these moments like: Spike resisting torture in Intervention, Buffy giving Spike a little kiss and telling him that what he did was "real," Spike reaching out to touch Dawn's hair, Spike reassuring Dawn that she's not evil, Spike grabbing the sword with his bare hands, Spike reassuring Tara that it was okay that she burned him, Xander lighting Spike's cigarette for him, Spike promising to protect Dawn until the end of the world, the look on Spike's face when Buffy invites him back into her home, Spike crying over Buffy's body, Spike playing cards with Dawn, Spike wincing at the Buffybot, Spike taking Buffy's hands and promising to take care of her, Spike slamming his fist into the wall, the 147 days speech, the "every night I save you" speech, etc.

Watching those, I had that feeling you get when you listen to great music, or watch a brilliant movie, or see a gorgeous painting; when you experience art that connects with you. I know this sounds clichéd and stupid, but I don't know how else to express it: it's like the art goes straight into your soul. I got that feeling again, for the first time in a long time, when I saw the Cruxshadows last weekend. I haven't gotten it from Spike since the end of Beneath You, and before that the last time was early season six.

The aspect that appealed to me most about Spike's story was that he was such an outsider, and he wanted to find love and acceptance. I wanted to see the story of someone who became a better person but didn't have to conform; I wanted to see that he deserved to be loved for what he did, not who he was. I wanted to see that his actions mattered more than his essential nature. I wanted a story that said you can be different, not fit into what other people want you to be, reject the whole idea of "normal," not be a "champion," not be the subject of prophecy, just be yourself and live your life and that's okay--you can still find a place.

This mattered to me because I've always felt this struggle, this question, can I be myself and still find a place? Do I have to conform to other people's expectations or can I be a good person according to my own definition (and who cares what anyone else thinks)? I've always been an outsider, and preferred to be an outsider ("normal" holds no appeal whatsoever) and I wanted to see a story that said that you can be an outsider and still matter, still lead a satisfying life.

Um, I didn't get that story. I got a story of conformity and destruction of individuality. I watched Spike change himself and change himself to please a moron who had no capacity whatsoever to appreciate or understand or care about him. When he refused to get over his pathetic Buffy obsession (why couldn't he see that she was a vicious selfish bitch who didn't deserve his love in any way, shape, or form???) and then went to get a soul to please her, Spike went from someone I respected, identified with, and cared about to someone I pitied.

On BtVS, I watched "normal" be held up as an ideal to which all should aspire and can never be happy without. And now in AtS I'm watching Spike desire not only normalcy, but to have his existence validated by some big shiny prophecy? Sorry, but I couldn't care less. Spike, get over it and stop waiting for someone else to validate you. You don't have to be a "champion" to matter as a person. You don't have to be human to enjoy "life." You have superpowers and eternal life; enjoy it!

(Please don't argue with me about this; it's purely subjective. I'm not saying it's some absolute truth or the only way to interpret the characters; I'm just saying this is what I feel and why I'm unhappy with the show.)

Anyway, so that's the reason I'm losing interest in the show. The story and the characters just don't resonate with me personally. I do think they've been written well so far on AtS, but the themes just aren't something I care about anymore. I still get upset when bad things happen to Spike, but nothing that fits my definition of "good" has happened in a long time, so it's basically all pain with very little pleasure. The story that mattered to me has been over for a long time, and it ended in just about the worst way possible. I despise the way that BtVS ended; I don't want to think or talk about that show any more. Just seeing Buffy's name in print makes me want to hit someone.

So, that said, I'm starting to disconnect myself from fandom. I just took about 45 people off of my friends list. This isn't an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, and I apologize if it does. The only reason I'm keeping my LJ at all is that there are a couple of friends I want to stay in touch with, and because I want to keep up with fanfic. I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture, so I'm not sure how much I'll be participating anymore, anyway. I can't stand who I am when I post here.

I'm still going to be running my website, because I haven't got anything better to do and it's as good of a distraction as any. I'll stop updating it when I find something better to occupy my time, which could be next week or next year for all I know. I do plan to leave the archive up as long as I can, though, since I know a lot of people find it to be a useful resource.

Comments

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you're so disenchanted with it all. It happened to me in another fandom, one in which, like you with AAS, I'd invested considerable amounts of time and energy over about five years, only to cut free in something under 24 hours in a move I still feel numb and shocked about.

I hope you stick with AAS but I've seen how much stress it's produced and if it's got to the point where that outweighs the fun and the pride (and it is something you should be proud of) then fair enough.

I don't think 'useful resource' comes close. Whatever you decide, thanks for all your work and support of Spike fanfic ::hugs::

I miss BtVS too. Watched 'Angel' from the start, always loved it and I'm enjoying it still, but it's not quite the same. Might be better in some ways - but it's not the same.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jane. I appreciate it. *hugs*

It's not really AAS that's bothering me; it's just the politics of fandom plus the fact that I just don't feel that kind of passionate interest in the character or the story that I once did. I mean, really, if I'm going to put up with being called a rabid insane squealy serial killer lover and rape apologist whose favorite character ruins every show he touches, then at least it ought to be over a character I feel passionate about and not one who I just defend out of habit and sort of pity.

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

*hugs* We'll miss you, but really - if it's not fun, then don't do it. Especially for some thing that's *supposed* to be fun.

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

Er - that "we'll miss you" is for you backing off on posting. I, for one, like hearing as much about your life as your work with buffy. And if you do stop running the archive, well, maybe someone will decide to take over. Who knows. But you should be proud of what you've done. AAS is the most comprehensive archive for the character Spike. Not btvs, not a pairing, just Spike. And there's no such thing as a 'bad' fic in it. That's very much something to be proud of.

[caille.livejournal.com]

Laura, I want you to be happy, to find something that is fresh and exciting, that captures your imagination. I want you to be able to leave this unhappiness behind, and to never again feel like "I can't stand who I am when I post here".

I really appreciate your willingness to continue the website, at least for the moment. It's probably the smartest, most elegant fic site ever. As a resource, it's more than just useful - it's essential.

Maybe you could think about simply not participating in LJ at all for a while, as opposed to closing your account. There might be something fabulous right around the corner, and once a little time has passed, who knows? Maybe you'll want to come here and share the squeeage.

As always, I say thanks for everything you do.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I appreciate it. :)

I'm glad you still enjoy the website.

I'm not deleting my journal; I just want to stay out of the whole fandom aspect as much as possible. I really want to avoid the whole politics of LJ especially. I'm not sure how much I'll be posting but I'll be around.

[miggy.livejournal.com]

Laura, just know that I appreciate what you do, but have no illusions that I'm owed anything. You need to take care of you. I do hope you'll stay around LJ, not because of any fannish clingy desire, but because I want to keep up with you. But do whatever you feel is needed.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I still want to keep in touch with some people (such as you), so I will probably be around, but I'm just really trying to distance myself from fandom. (Plus, I just read the spoilers for ep 11, which has definitely increased my resolve not to be emotionally involved with this anymore!)

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

You have to enjoy whatever you do! I am blissfully ignorant of the LJ politics to which you refer, but I hate to hear that you're unhappy with the aspect of yourself you bring to LJ. Doubtless whatever distance you need will make it better for you.

I must also state for the record - your website is an essential resource. Thank you so much for running it. If there is anything a random fan can do to make it less work for you (in a hosting or anything-else capacity) please just say the word.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks; I'm glad you like the website. I appreciate it.

Honestly, I think the site is pretty redundant. All you have to do is add the right people to your LJ friends list and you'll have a lot more fic than I'll ever manage to post, plus you can develop friendships with the authors and comment back and forth. LJ has made my archive mostly irrelevant.

But, uh, it's good to know that some people still like it.

[queenofthorns.livejournal.com]

Awww, darling - I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy with the LJ world. It's not *all* bad, though - 'cause look, I got to meet you and Jane and spend all those evenings hanging out and chatting and having fun ...

I've just decided that Spike disappeared after the end of Season 5 and we got a Spikebot instead ;) Or, um, something! Anyway, maybe distance/absence will make the heart grow fonder, and I do like reading about your life outside fandom (and am glad I'm not one of the defriended ;)) Smooch! Hope to see you next week!

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about my Spike disappearing, though I'd place it at "Smashed." The whole thing still makes me so sad. :(

It's true, there are some good aspects of LJ, which is why I didn't totally delete mine. I do want to keep up with some people still.

Hope to see you next week, too! I can't wait to see Alexis Denisof.

Thanks. :)

[irfikos.livejournal.com]

man. i always sit down at the table just as the cool kids are getting up to leave.

it's my odor, isn't it?

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I'm not totally leaving. Part of the reason I didn't just delete my journal is that there are still people I'd like to keep in touch with, such as you. I'm just trying not to be involved with the fandom stuff much anymore, and not spending so much time on LJ.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

As always, I'm a big fan of people doing what makes them happy. If LJ/BtVS fandom isn't making you happy, then you should pull away from it. I love AAS, but if it isn't rewarding to *you* then you shouldn't keep it up.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[mommanerd.livejournal.com]

No matter my fandom, I will always look forward to your posts Laura. You bring a different perspective to my life with your unique and strong views as well as your ability to express them.

And maybe one of these days you tell us what James whispered to you at that last convention...

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks. Mostly I think my "strong views" just tend to piss people off, but I'm glad you don't mind.

James didn't say anything very interesting. I just didn't want to post it because one of those creepy stalkery types could use it against him. But since he said it in an interview shortly after, I guess it's fair game: I asked how he was and he said he's great because he's taking care of his niece, which is very difficult but more meaningful and rewarding than anything else he's done, or something to that effect.

[octopedingenue]

About three years ago, I was in a fandom for another TV show--my first online fandom ever, actually--and my involvement with the fandom and the show went really, really badly. After almost three years of my intense, daily involvement in this fandom, the show became unrecognizable as the thing I'd loved. My favorite character was subjected to humiliating, infuriating storylines (that made the treatment of Spike I experienced later in this fandom feel almost mild in comparison) and then finally killed off and forgotten, and for love of that character I and my like-minded fan friends were treated as the jokes and whipping boys of the fandom. And I recognize a lot of the phrasing and the hurt and the bitterness you used when you wrote this post, because I wrote and felt the same way three years ago.

So yes, the best thing I can suggest is to take a break, a step back from "Buffy"-ness for a while. I stepped out of online fandom completely for almost a year: stopped looking at fandom websites left all my favorite fandom mailing lists, stopped writing fanfiction (weeeelll, I did write one or two VERY VERY VERY BITTER stories *g*). But--and I think this is important--I kept in touch with my closest friends from that first fandom. Three years later, I still talk to them almost every day. A lot of them came with me into "Buffy" fandom and Livejournal, but even those who haven't, I couldn't imagine my life without them. It's weird: the negative experience of being in a fandom that so royally screwed us over bonded us until we've hung together through over fandoms, life crises, and daily minutiae. St. Crispin's Day speech, yo. *laughs*

The show I loved went off the air two years ago, and I'd stopped watching about a year before that. And maybe the selective amnesia of nostalgia is at work here, but in the past eight months or so I've been thinking fondly about that show I loved and my fandom experience based around it. The show ended horribly, but there WERE very good reasons that I fell in love with it in the first place. And now that the final piece of heartache is not fresh, I'm finding that the good memories I have of the show and the fandom are starting to take precedence over the final, negative ones. I want to re-read fanfiction that I loved. I want to re-watch old episodes that I loved. And the best part for me is that I don't have to plunge back into my first fandom again all by myself and lost, because I didn't cut ties with the people I loved in my first fandom, either. They know what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from, and they're starting to love the show again a little, too.

I think that one of the worst things you can do to yourself emotionally in fandom is to remain in a position of responsibility in a fandom that you have lost passion for, and that actively pains you, only because you feel responsible. All About Spike is THE BEST "Buffy" fanfiction archive online--I'm serious, bar NONE--and I would be heartbroken and horrified if it were to just disappear one day. But I think it would be best for you to either hand it over for a while to a like-minded person or people whom you trust, or (if you can afford to pay for the upkeep on a website that you don't actively use) shut down updates of the site for the immediate future and walk away for a while.

My first fandom...I will never really accept the final status of the show or think it is a good thing. But I have found peace with it; it doesn't make me actively angry when I think about it anymore. I think eventually you will find this, too; you will remember the things you loved about "Buffy", and while you will remember the negative things, you will recognize that they are not as important and that you are not 'wrong' for disliking them. I learned in my Psychology class today that our sense-memories of positive things last longer and more strongly than negatives. I think this is true for me; I think this will be true for you as well.

*hugs* Whatever you decide to do, Laura, you are not alone in this.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

What fandom were you in? You've made me all curious.

It's not really running the archive that upsets me. The way I live, I *need* something to really consume my attention. When I don't, I feel useless and without purpose, and I get really depressed. I still enjoy reading fanfic, so that's the best distraction I have right now.

It's the rest of the fandom stuff--all the stupid LJ politics, and analyzing the show--that are just not worth it anymore. I can't devote my attention halfway; I either care completely or I don't care at all. And caring about Spike just isn't worth it; the story I liked is over, I'm sick of defending the character for doing things that I don't like, I've lost my confidence in him (he won me over with "Intervention," but he lost me when he went for a soul). The idea of characters being damned to hell makes no sense at all, and I have no interest in talking about it; I'm an athiest, and it's just meaningless and silly to me. I don't feel like defending Spike and insisting that he's not a misogynist, because, while it was clear to me in late season five that he wasn't, Fury can distort him any way he wants and who am I to argue? I hurt when Spike hurts, and since ME loves to torture him without ever rewarding him, why should I invest myself in something like that? In "Intervention" it seemed that the pain would be worth it, but after that it never was. It's stupid to care so much about something that you have no control over. Everyone keeps saying "step back, just enjoy it and don't care so much," but I'm not like that. Either I care totally or I don't care at all. And I'm really trying to stop caring at all.

[ispahan.livejournal.com]

I'm right with you on that. I seem to be lucky that nothing I've ever said has been taken out of context (as far as I know), but during the year on livejournal I've seen so many bitch fights, and feuds started over the most unbelievable things. I understand your desire to say 'fuck it'. It seems to me that Buffy fandom in general is more bitchy and cliquey than a lot of fandoms. I hope you’ll be happy with whatever you decide to do next. :)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm definitely hoping I'll find another interest that will make me happy. :)

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Your site is amazing and contributes a hellova lot to fandom.

Also, you're wicked hot in person. :}

Sad to see you sad.

-D

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thanks. I appreciate it. :)

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

I'm really sick of the elitism and judgementalism and sucking up and cliques and having to watch everything you say in case it gets misinterpreted and having to be nice to assholes because they're influential and all the other bullshit of LJ culture

Well, we'll miss you. I like reading your posts.

But...I dunno, maybe I just live in a big bubble, but I haven't noticed all that much of the things you listed. (Of course, I tend not to be nice to assholes, so they generally, um, go away.)

But if it's not making you happy, hon, then don't do it. You're always welcome to come hang out on my turf. :)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'll still be around, just hopefully not into the fandom stuff so much.

I guess part of the problem is that my focus through LJ is mostly keeping up with fic, so I've friended pretty much everyone I could find who writes or posts about Spike-centric fanfic. That includes lots of people for whom Spike is only a secondary interest or who don't really like him at all, just happen to have written him into a story or essay that I liked. So I've ended up with lots of "friends" from different parts of fandom, some of which have very different traditions from what I'm used to. Some of them seem to glory in a very elitist attitude, lecture and talk down to anyone who disagrees, think they're better than everyone else, constantly suck up to each other, etc. I was a lot happier when I was just reading Spike-centric lists and not inadvertendly stepping into this territory where my opinion wasn't wanted and where I just so didn't fit. I know not everyone's like that but it's gotten to the point where I just can't deal with that kind of attitude anymore. I never thought I'd say this, but it's a TV show; you're not morally superior to someone else just because your opinion differs, and I hate seeing that attitude expressed so often around here.

Meh, that was more ranty than I intended. Sorry. Thanks again for your comment.

[onetwomany.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you're so disenchanted with the show, although I can certainly understand where you're ooming from. Fandom should be fun, and if it's not, then it's time to take a break and focus on other things.

That said, you're site is still amazing and definitely one of the most significant contributions to fandom around. I'm very happy to hear you'll still be mantaining it, although I'm sue everyone will understand if it ever gets too much. It's important you look after you first!

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel, so consider it said. ::hugs you::

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. ::hugs back::

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

Everything you said about connecting deeply with those moments in Season 5 and early Season 6 really resonated with me - it's not stupid at all.

I'm glad you aren't giving up your lj altogether, or the archive at this time. But I certainly understand the need to take a step back from fandom. I hope you'll feel better about things soon.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I just wish I could move on and disconnect totally. I know I'm never going to get those wonderful late S5/early S6 moments back, and the direction the show has taken since then just doesn't work for me.

[mogens.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll miss your posts, and your perspective on the show and Spike, but I understand the need to take a break or find something new to invest your time in. That said, if you ever have anything you want to comment on in my lj, fandom or otherwise, feel free. :)

And AAS is a wonderful site you should be very, very proud of. It was the first fanfic site I ran across when I discovered BtVS fandom a year and half ago, and I've read almost everything there. It's a treasure.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I'm glad you like the site.

Re: the new "post comment"

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Haven't read your explanations behind the cut-tag as I assume they contains spoilers for the latest AtS; however, as sorry as I am to hear you're not all that interested in Spike anymore, I'm both glad that AAS will still be up and running and happy that *you* will remain with us. & :-)

Re: the new "post comment"

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Yup, somewhat spoilery.

Thanks. :)

[tiashome.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry fandom isn't much fun for you these days, Laura, and I can understand why you'd want to pull back. Just do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
I do hope you'll still go to cons every once in a while though; I'd love to meet you one of these days ;-)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[varina8.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to tell you how much I've appreciated AAS and your work maintaining it. I discovered many of my favorite authors through you. Whatever you end up doing, I'll think of it as one of my favorite gifts.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I'm really glad you've enjoyed the website.

[shapinglight]

Very sorry that you feel this way, but quite understand your need to step back. Just wanted to say, that, like many here, I think AAS is the best fanfic site I've ever seen and you can be very, very proud of it.

Thanks, Laura.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I'm glad you like it.

[darkwoods.livejournal.com]

Just jumping in to say that your archive, All About Spike, is always my first choice. It is simply the best.

Your Con reports have also given me a great deal of pleasure over the last few months. I don't go to Cons but it's great to see the pictures and read your commentary (yeah, you're passionate about your opinions, but I totally respect that). The links to other people's pix and commentaries are great too. I really feel like I'm part of the fun.

So step back if you must. Follow your bliss. And Thanks - big time.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I'm glad you've enjoyed the website and the con reports.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

I hate to read that you're losing interest in Spike...but I do understand the whole "it's all pain and little pleasure and I hate the way that ME directs it's stories." Add in Ep 11 and M.E. may have finally pushed me over the edge into no longer giving a damn territory. I empathize with you.

I do however love your website so I selfishly want you to keep that going. :)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

We definitely have similar opinions about where ME is taking Spike. It just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.

I'm glad you like the website. Thanks! :)

[chrisjournal.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I understand what you're saying, though for different reasons, probably. I personally still find a lot of solace and wonder in the fic aspect of fandom, and I adore my friends, all of them.

Glad to know you'll still be out here, no matter what else happens, and if you need a hand with anything, never hesitate to ask, okay?

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Chris. I appreciate it. :)

[valancy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so let down by fandom; I've felt that way too at times, although to a lesser extent. Like everyone else, I just wanted to say thanks for running AAS - a truly wonderful site. I will miss your fannish enthusiasm, but am glad you're taking a step back for yourself.

Best of luck.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I appreciate it.