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rusty_haloI was debating whether or not to post this, because it's that wanky and overly-sincere little kid side of me that I'm trying not to be. Also, it was written quickly and is unedited, plus it probably won't interest a single person on my friends list. But hey, why not post? It's not like I'm forcing anyone to read it.
So. Lately I just seem to be bopping around between one interest and the next, without any real focus. This annoys me, as I greatly prefer to be totally and completely immersed in one thing. It's like with friends--I'd rather have a couple very close friends than a ton of friendly acquaintances.
I do realize that this rather limits my range of knowledge, but the tradeoff is that when I know something, I really know it. And I just prefer that.
Which is why, having surfaced from my two-year immersion in the Buffyverse, I'm somewhat at loose ends. There was that Methos period, where I was watching every Methos episode of Highlander, reading every interview with Peter Wingfield, watching every DVD-extra, and so on. Then the "Song of Ice and Fire" period, where I was re-reading the books several times and trying desperately to find *some* kind of intelligent discussion of Jaime Lannister's redemption story. Then the Sirius/Remus period, where I was watching "The Prisoner of Azkaban" regularly, re-reading the books, and reading every bit of fanfic I could get my hands on. Also the Common Rotation period, where I was listening to their records over and over and downloading live shows and everything. And then over the past week I've been catching up with what is pretty much my all-time favorite band, Alice in Chains, who I've loved since I was 11 and, unlike the other bands I loved back then, never really stopped listening to and relating to.
It's weird, because I wouldn't have expected them to be the one that stuck with me longest. I loved Nirvana most, but it seemed like after a certain point in my life, the music just lost emotional resonance for me personally. I respect their music, but I haven't really had the desire to listen to them since, oh, 1997? Pearl Jam, I think, just moved on to a different stage of life, and I still love them, but I'm not there. I suspect that at some point in the future I'll pick up some of their later records and enjoy them immensely, but now is not the time. Soundgarden was also great, but aside from the brilliance that was "Superunknown," they seemed (to me) to be somewhat lacking in emotional depth.
But Alice in Chains? I've never really stopped listening to them for very long. "Dirt," especially, is a record that I've been playing on a fairly regular basis ever since I first heard it at age 11. It's probably my favorite record of all time.
I remember when I first got into Alice in Chains. I was in sixth grade, taking the bus a half hour to and from a private school, so I bought this little radio/tape player with headphones. I started out by listening to my parents' classic rock station, because I didn't know shit about music, but at some point I changed over to the top 40 station (97.5 WPST) to hear what people my age were listening to. This was 1993, the height of "grunge" in the mainstream, when Nirvana, Pearl Jam, AIC, and Soundgarden were all in heavy rotation. (Though mixed in with lots of dance and rap nonsense, and some decent 80s stuff like Depeche Mode and New Order that I got into much later.)
"Jar of Flies" had just come out, and they were playing "I Stay Away" and "No Excuses" regularly. Luckily for me, I had good taste as an 11 year old. I bought that record (which is brilliant, though almost too painful to listen to now). But because I was 11 and had very little money, I couldn't buy most of the records I wanted, so I'd take them out from the library over and over. That's how I got my hands on "Dirt," before I eventually bought it -- it was a CD from the library. We only had one CD player in our house, in the living room, so I'd come home after school, curl up in the chair, and play that CD while reading the lyric booklet over and over. (That album had such gorgeous artwork, too.) Then I'd have to quickly turn it off and run out of the room whenever my dad would come home and glare at me hatefully. He, uh, disapproved of pretty much everything about me for my entire teenage life, especially the music I loved.
But anyway, "Dirt." It was so angry and so passionate and so beautiful. Jerry Cantrell was quoted once saying something like "Layne has the most beautiful way of saying something horrible that I've ever heard." And that's true of Jerry, too--his arrangements, his songwriting, they're just incredible, the darkness and the way he makes it so lovely. The way the two of them work together, the blend of Jerry's songwriting and Layne's lyrics and vocal skills, just blows me away. Not to mention the blend of their voices--those two did the greatest harmonies that I've ever heard in music. They complemented each other so perfectly.
It's fascinating to watch the progession from their first record, "Facelift," to "Dirt," the way that those two clearly grew together musically. Jerry just does backing vocals on "Facelift," but by the end of "Dirt" he's doing the verses of "Would?" and Layne's doing the chorus, and they trade off so perfectly that it just feels RIGHT--you can't imagine that song without both vocalists. Or "Down in a Hole," the singing back and forth, and the way that they sing their different lines together in that one moment that nearly makes me cry every time I hear it. (It might even be better in the unplugged version.) And, of course, Layne in his prime had absolutely the most astounding, beautiful voice, so much range, and such depth, such power and emotion, the perfect blend of strength and vulnerability.
So I've been trying to figure out why they've stuck with me for so long, when other bands I've loved haven't. I think part of it is just the passion and charisma and honesty of Layne Staley--the way he opens himself up and just pours his soul into those lyrics and words. I mean, once you've been touched so deeply by someone that way, how can you ever stop caring about them?
I also think that, lyrically, they've got a lot of recurring themes that have remained relevant to me. As much as I respect Jerry as a musician, it's almost always Layne's lyrics that strike a chord. He often writes about loss of innocence ("Rotten Apple," "Angry Chair," etc), like, making mistakes at a young age and realizing it, but not being able to go back. He writes about being horrified at what you've become, what your choices have led to. And about being so utterly lonely. (For varying reasons that would be way too personal and boring, these themes mean a lot to me).
I know that Layne's lyrics were also a lot more specific to his particular situation, which THANK GOD I can't relate to. I can find the themes meaningful, though, even if I haven't been through those exact experiences. And it is definitely thanks to Layne that I have always sworn NEVER to touch hard drugs. He's talked in interviews about how he put such honesty in his lyrics because he wanted that to get through to listeners, to warn people not to make the mistake he made, and I sure got it loud and clear. I mean, how can you listen to a song like "Nutshell" and ever want to emulate what this man is feeling?
His poetry wasn't always the greatest--there are some awkward lines in some of those songs. But it's more than adequate; he was brutally honest and used imagery beautifully. (My favorite song is probably "Angry Chair," and I've never liked the video for that one because the lyrics are so stunning that I could always SEE that song in my head without any need for a visual aid.) And, like I said, that voice. He gave those words such incredible depth and emotional power.
Layne also has that ... sweetness? soulfullness? charisma? ... that makes you care about him even when he's singing about the most horrific things. Seems like everyone who ever met him and talked publicly about him would emphasize what a gentle, kind person he was, with an exceptional sense of humor. (A former friend of mine knew him from back in fading days of 80s metal and said the same, that Layne was a very sweet person.) And that personality came through in his music. (And god, I HATE that the media always overlooked that he was a kind and funny person. It's all "Layne the junkie recluse," which if you listen to ONE DAMN INTERVIEW is SO not all there was to him. It's like once you're known for using drugs you become an un-person, and it's perfectly okay to mock you and ridicule you and treat you like a commodity or a joke, to define you by your problems instead of by your talents or personality. Like all good qualities become erased because you've made a mistake?)
When I listen to AIC I listen almost exclusively to "Dirt." I'll play a couple of songs from "Facelift" ("Bleed the Freak," "Love Hate Love," "It Ain't Like That"), but overall I think "Facelift" is a record from a band with a lot of passion who hadn't quite found their musical place yet. Plus it's still got a lot of dumb 80s metal elements. Still, it's also got one of their greatest songs, "Man in the Box" (which I don't listen to on my own because it's their most played song and I don't want to get overexposed and sick of it). And you can hear Layne's voice really wonderfully on that record. "Love Hate Love" shows his range exceptionally well, and the darkness in that song is a great precursor to their later work. I'm absolutely fascinated by the sinister yet vulnerable tone he manages to pull off in that one. It sounds like he's going to kill you slowly, but you'll want him to.
"Sap" is a record that's a bit too short for extended listens, plus you have to put up with that irritating joke track. And the classic "Alice Mudgarden" song, with Mark Arm and Chris Cornell, never seemed that great to me. Still, "Got Me Wrong" is one of their best songs--I usually just throw it into my MP3 playlist with the other stuff. It's clearly a Jerry song, and the best thing there is the blending of their voices. It's like they're two parts of the same entity. (I read this heartbreaking interview where Jerry was talking about how they grew together as musicians--Jerry encouraged Layne to write more songs, and Layne encouraged Jerry to sing more. People accuse Jerry of trying to sing like Layne now, but really, that IS how he sings--because they grew as musicians together, Layne is a part of him, and he's not going to purposely change his style to sound less like Layne. *sob*)
"Dirt" is a band absolutely in its prime. They've got the passion of "Facelift," the depth of "Sap," the skill as musicians to truly pull off everything they're trying to achieve, and they know each other well enough to work together and play off of each other's strengths perfectly. There just aren't even words for how great that record is. There's not a single song that I'd ever skip on that record, except maybe "Rain When I Die." Maybe.
It's almost a concept album, in that it's so thematically/emotionally consistent and in the way that the emotions progress as the album continues. The topics vary, especially with the ones Jerry wrote, but they're all bound by a common emotional thread. "Them Bones" is about coming to grips with your own mortality, "Dam That River" is an angry song supposedly about an argument, "Rain When I Die" and "Down in a Hole" are about relationships (very dark songs about relationships). And "Rooster," one of the classic songs of the 90s, is about Jerry's father's experience in Vietnam.
"Down in the Hole" is my favorite of this section of the album. It's quite simply one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. The hushed tone, intricately beautiful music, and utterly stunning harmonies between Layne and Jerry are beyond belief. And the lyrics--"I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied." "Sand rains down and here I sit/Holding rare flowers in a tomb" "I've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste" "Down in a hole/Losing my soul" ... I could continue; all the words are astounding. Just SO gorgeous. I can't even explain it in words; you have to listen.
IMO, though, the album really kicks into high gear when it gets into the songs for which Layne wrote the lyrics. The second half (heh, back in the old days it was "side 2") is the infamous heroin cycle that got the band so much shit from the media. It's about as honest and dark and brutal as you can get. "Junkhead" is a song that I always found almost impossible to listen to--it's dark and creepy and somewhere between mocking and confessing, I think. How would you justify heroin use to yourself? This song tells how. It's so damn creepy. But I think it's absolutely necessary for the album, to take you into the junkie's head, explain how he got into this situation. If the record only had the anti-drug songs, it would feel more like a lecture. This way he gets you into his mind state, so that you take the trip with him. But my god, it's creepy and hard to listen to.
Next up is "Dirt," which is also hard to listen to. And if you made the mistake of thinking "Junkhead" was a pro-drug song, the fact that it's followed by "Dirt" ought to clear that up really quickly. I think this may actually be their darkest song, though others disagree. Anyway, it sends shivers down my spine.
"God Smack" follows (the song from which a vastly inferior band stole their name), which is sort of the wake up call moment. The absolute visceral horror Layne conveys when he cries "What in God's name have you done?" is so personal and like, directly out of a nightmare. I listen to that song and think THANK GOD I'm not in the situation he was in. To realize that he was there, actually experiencing that horror, looking at himself and realizing that he made a mistake and completely fucked himself over, that's just the most disturbing thing I can imagine. The image, which comes up a couple of times in this cycle of songs, of looking at yourself in the mirror and being horrified by what you see--that's the essence of this.
I've read varying interpretations of this cycle of songs. One is that it's a "day in the life" kind of thing, from getting the drugs and justifying it to yourself, through getting high, through realizing you're in way over your head. The other is that it's over a longer period of time--for months or years, it works for you, but you continue to sink into it and by the time you realize you're in over your head, it's too late and you're completely fucked. I like that one as it's a bit less literal, although I like the first interpretation because it's a bit more visceral and immediate.
Anyway, next up is "Hate to Feel." When I went to the Vulkon in Cleveland a year and a half ago, we took a day trip to the rock and roll hall of fame. Everyone else wandered about looking at the various exhibits. They lost me, though, as I stopped in front of the Alice in Chains section and just worshipped for most of the visit. In addition to old concert fliers, Jerry's boots, and the claymation dolls from the "I Stay Away" video, they also had Layne's HANDWRITTEN LYRICS to "Hate to Feel." *dies*
The words are gorgeous and heartbreaking--this is where the mirror image first comes up, if I recall correctly. ("mirror on the wall will show you what you're scared to see") The lines about his father are also so sad--I just read recently that his father was also an addict, who left the family when Layne was very young, and then supposedly came back when he was famous to GET DRUGS off his famous son. I suppose the line "All this time I swore I'd never be like my old man/What the hey, it's time to face exactly who I am" would support that. If "God Smack" is the horror at the moment of realization of what you're doing, "Hate to Feel" is the struggle with acceptance. He knows it, but he wishes he didn't ("wish I couldn't see at all" "wish I couldn't feel at all") but he's also starting to look in the mirror and face what he's horrified to have become.
(The one theme that always bothered me, though, in Layne's lyrics was a sense of acceptance of fate. This is what I've become, I've doomed myself--that theme goes back quite early. ("Eat of the apple so young...I've written my own part") Acceptance that he's got a problem is necessary if he's ever going to deal with it, but acting as if his death from it is inevitable? At a certain point it probably was, but not that early. And in his interviews he always gave the impression of trying to fight it, of wanting to get better, of planning to be around a long time. That sense of inevitability, going all the way back to "Dirt" in '91/'92, just breaks my heart. Though perhaps he was only pouring his darkest feelings into his lyrics, while he wasn't writing about the part of him that still wanted to fight. And this speculation feels way too personal so I'll stop.)
"Hate to Feel" is followed by "Angry Chair," which is maybe my favorite song ever. Going with the "day in a life" literal interpretation of the cycle, it's supposedly about rehab. I buy that--a lot of the lines resonated with me so strongly because they seemed like perfect responses to the inane psychobabble my mom used to spout constantly. "Loneliness is not a phase," for example. (Though sadly that line is followed by one of the cheesiest ever--"Field of pain is where I graze"--what are you, a depressed cow? Though he makes up for it with "Saw my reflection and cried," and that ends up being one of the most powerful sections of the song. Plus, he sings these parts so PERFECTLY that even the "field of pain" line sounds awesome in context.)
But the aspect of "Angry Chair" that always resonated with me was the longing for innocence lost. "What do I see across the way/See myself molded in clay/Stares at me yeah I'm afraid/Changing the shape of his face." That always seemed like looking at a young version of yourself and watching it change into your current self, and being upset at the way you've changed, the young "innocent" version of you is destroyed to make way for the flawed version that you are now. "Little boy made a mistake/Pink cloud has now turned to grey/All that I want is to play/Get on your knees, time to pray, boy" always seemed like longing for the lost child inside yourself, who made a mistake that changed you, and now you're completely fucked and that version of you is destroyed. You can't go back to the innocent that you were. There's no evading of responsibility in these songs--he knows that he's the one who made the mistake. But he clearly was completely unprepared for the utter horror of the consequences.
That song also has the most gorgeous visual imagery, the red candles, "shadows dancing everywhere," angry walls that steal the air. And the music, I'm a lyrics person but I shouldn't leave that out. The song opens and closes with this winding, creeping, ominous, beautiful drums and then bass. Unforgettable. And musically it's just intricate and gorgeous--it's a heavy song, but the heaviness sort of creeps up on you in a way that you don't realize until you're in the thick of it. (Sorry my musical comments aren't so insightful--I know the way it makes me feel more than the technical aspects of how it works.)
My version of "Dirt" is a Japanese import that actually has "Down in a Hole" here, and it sort of fits, but the version I grew up with has "Would?" at this point. "Would?" is a Jerry song after a string of Layne songs, but it still fits with the cycle. It's about Andy Wood, the singer from Mother Love Bone (whose members later formed Pearl Jam) who died of a heroin overdose in 1990. This is also quite possibly the greatest closing song on any record ever. It's got the blending of voices for which AIC is rightfully famous--Jerry softly singing the verses and then Layne belting out the chorus. And that final, shocking "If I would, could you?" which closes this record with such power. There's debate about to what this refers, and I think you can rightfully interpret it however you want--there's so many layers and levels of meaning in this record. I always took the "would" as referring to the preceding lines, "Have I gone and left you here alone?" So the next question would be, if I would leave [die from drugs], would you? Could you end up in the same situation I did? And the you--it could be Jerry asking Layne if he's going to follow Andy, or it could be the band challenging the audience--you've heard how horrible addiction is, are you going to let it happen to yourself now, or are you going to make better choices? Or it could be a warning not to judge--this happens to lots of people, don't be so quick to judge because it could happen to you, too.
Either way, fucking brilliant.
The best books take you to another place. You get so immersed that you are IN that world, you FEEL those emotions, and when you're finished it's like waking up to a whole other place. That's what this album is like--this band takes you with them, so that you FEEL their emotions. It's like living a nightmare, and when the final line hits you, you wake up and realize you have a second chance. The nightmare wasn't true--but it could be... it all depends on the choices you make.
The album after "Dirt" is "Jar of Flies," which is actually an EP--shorter than an album. Written and recorded, amazingly enough, in seven days, and the first EP to go to number one on the billboard charts. To be honest, I haven't been able to listen to this record much since Layne passed away. On the one hand, "Rotten Apple" and "Nutshell" are too heartbreaking to believe. I used to feel a sense of hope from this music, that Layne was so lonely and struggling so hard, but that maybe he could make it. Since I know he didn't, I just almost can't stand to listen to those songs now. "Nutshell," especially, is one of their best songs, so beautifully written and sung, but so personal. "And yet I fight this battle all alone/No one to cry to, no place to call home." Why did he feel that way? I know he had people who loved him and wanted to help him. I can understand that, I've been there, but it really hurts to hear.
I don't listen to "No Excuses" and "I Stay Away" mostly because they were so overexposed on the radio that I don't want to get sick of them. Still, "No Excuses" is a beautiful song, and it has one of my favorite AIC lines ever. I wonder if it was written from Jerry to Layne. The line is "You my friend/I will defend/And if we change, well, I love you anyway." The simple honesty of that statement just kills me.
"Whale & Wasp" is absolutely one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. This is especially shocking for me since I'm all about lyrics, and this song is an instrumental. I had no idea that instruments could have such soul and emotion, that such pure music could actually bring tears to my eyes. Probably my favorite thing that Jerry's ever done.
"Don't Follow" is another gorgeous song, though a bit too country for me, and the reference to "my woman" is such a Jerry redneck thing. And "Swing on This" is irritating. It sounds like a stream of consciousness stream of excuses without much thought behind it.
I don't really listen to their self titled record so much. Layne's voice was already going downhill at that point, and a lot of the lyrics had become about the press and the media and the record companies. I know they're writing what they know, but this seems to be a syndrome that hits a lot of bands: before they're famous, they write songs that lots of people can relate to; after they're famous, they write songs about fame that very few can relate to. This album has its cool moments, and some really creepy intricate twisted fascinating arrangements, but overall it just feels uninspired compared to their earlier records. (Though I must say, I remember when the "Grind" single first came out; I heard it on the radio in my bedroom while doing math homework, and was actually jumping up and down and shrieking with joy at how cool it was. Even on a weaker record, these guys were still miles ahead of similar bands.)
I'm of two minds about the unplugged performance. On one hand, it has this lovely, hushed, solemn, gorgeous quality. The performance of "Down in a Hole" is absolutely haunting; the acoustic setting makes the ways Layne and Jerry blend their voices even clearer. The moment when their voices overlap in this one is maybe even better than in the studio version. And the unplugged performance also shows the exceptional strength of their songwriting--it more than stands up to the lack of distortion and electric guitars. Many of the unplugged versions are just as good, if not better, than the plugged in versions. And, at this point, Layne still had a beautiful voice. But it's not the voice he had in 1991, y'know? Hearing how much he's lost, even when he's still quite good, is heartbreaking. The video is also so sad. Layne was still beautiful, but he was like, broken beautiful. I hate seeing him so sick. But his performance was good, the band was wonderful, Layne was sweet and funny with the audience. So I suppose, in the end, it was a good send-off for Alice in Chains.
Okay, now I'm gonna go cry.
Anyway. So what I've been doing these past two weekends is exploring the joyous wonder of the internet. See, when I was a kid, when I wanted information about Alice in Chains, it meant making my mom drive me 40 minutes to the mall every few weeks and going through every bookstore, combing through every single article in every potentially relevant magazine. It meant making my mom drive me to libraries all over the state and meticulously sorting through their archives of "Rolling Stone" and "Guitar" and other relevant magazine. It meant saving every penny of my allowance to buy back issues or to use the copy machines at the libraries. It meant going to thrift stores seeking back issues of magazines like "Spin" that the libraries didn't carry, and it meant every time we traveled to another state I insisted on going through the libraries there. It meant ordering every rock merchandise catalog and sorting through the lists of t-shirts and bootlegs and saving up every bit of money I had to buy the things I wanted the very most. It meant renting "Last Action Hero" multiple times solely because there's a soundtrack advertisement that has a clip of the video for "What the Hell Have I?" It meant two summers of staying up in my parents basement EVERY NIGHT until 7am, reading books with MTV on the background, waiting for them to play Alice in Chains videos during their late night video shows. (Two summers of effort, and I managed to see "Would?" "Them Bones" and "No Excuses." "I Stay Away" was, of course, in heavy rotation and easy to see.)
And now, all I have to do is type "Alice in Chains" into google, and IT'S ALL FUCKING RIGHT THERE. My god, I still just can't get over that. 12-year-old me would've had a heart attack and DIED if she knew about this.
I grew up with this band. I read their interviews and I cared about them and I wanted them to succeed. I was deeply invested in their success and their happiness. I cared about them as people and as artists who I admired. And for a while, they were on top; they were one of the biggest bands of the decade. It all went to hell later, of course, so it's probably better that I stopped paying so much attention. It's really upsetting to watch the way the interviews change, from "We're going to prove our detractors wrong and come back better than ever" to "Well, that stage of our lives is probably over, but we still have hope." They never officially broke up the band, though, they always had that hope. (I downloaded a Rockline interview with Layne from 1999 and even then, he says that he still has hope for the band....). And I love that the other guys never did some cheesy exposé. They could've gotten so much attention for something like that, but they were always loyal to each other, even with the media hounding them. The way that, in later years, EVERY damn interview would drill Jerry about Layne, and every time he'd refuse to gossip.
The interviews with Jerry after Layne passed away are horrible. His second solo album came out around then, so he had all these interviews scheduled. One referred to Jerry playing "Down in a Hole" without Layne. The idea of that song, so perfect and beautiful and whose standout quality was the blending of their voices, missing its other half.... And Jerry was clearly devastated for a while there. It breaks my heart so badly, Jerry without Layne. They went together perfectly, an amazing friendship and musical partnership lost forever.
Anyway, I've been trying to focus on the positive, celebrate what I loved about them. So I've been downloading old videos, stuff I'd probably have killed for back in 1994. I found two performances from the "Singles" premiere party (they're friends with Cameron Crowe, and were the bar band in that movie, and on the soundtrack). A good performance of "Would?" and an astounding performance of "Junkhead." I've never seen that song performed, and this was better than a concert bootleg since it's professionally shot and full of close ups. Layne was in his prime, physically beautiful and with such exceptional control over his voice, such range and passion. Well, I could ramble all day about Layne's voice, but man, it was amazing to SEE him singing instead of just hearing him.
I also found a bootleg concert video from 1991, which is so great--they all seem to be in high spirits. Layne holds the microphone over the audience and lets them sing along with "Man in the Box," and he stage dives into the crowd. (Also, he sings most of the show shirtless--have I mentioned how pretty he was back in the day?) Plus, at the end, they do a performance of the hilarious song "Queen of the Rodeo," which is about a cross-dressing cowboy--Layne wears a cowboy hat, and sings with such humor. It's so neat to see them happy--that's one thing that the media constantly misses, how funny they were. Every interview with the whole band is a dream--they're more like a crew of comedians than "dark broody" musicians. I *really* need to get ahold of the episode of Headbanger's Ball with them in a waterpark and Jerry in a speedo. And the Nona tapes, which is 15 minutes of Jerry cavorting about in incredibly convincing drag--I have that, and it's hilarious. He goes around interviewing the band members and mocking the media stereotypes of them. Too cool.
Anyway. So that's what I'm doing now, listening and watching stuff of them in their prime, enjoying the great art they had to offer.
Christ, I can't believe I wrote all that.
So. Lately I just seem to be bopping around between one interest and the next, without any real focus. This annoys me, as I greatly prefer to be totally and completely immersed in one thing. It's like with friends--I'd rather have a couple very close friends than a ton of friendly acquaintances.
I do realize that this rather limits my range of knowledge, but the tradeoff is that when I know something, I really know it. And I just prefer that.
Which is why, having surfaced from my two-year immersion in the Buffyverse, I'm somewhat at loose ends. There was that Methos period, where I was watching every Methos episode of Highlander, reading every interview with Peter Wingfield, watching every DVD-extra, and so on. Then the "Song of Ice and Fire" period, where I was re-reading the books several times and trying desperately to find *some* kind of intelligent discussion of Jaime Lannister's redemption story. Then the Sirius/Remus period, where I was watching "The Prisoner of Azkaban" regularly, re-reading the books, and reading every bit of fanfic I could get my hands on. Also the Common Rotation period, where I was listening to their records over and over and downloading live shows and everything. And then over the past week I've been catching up with what is pretty much my all-time favorite band, Alice in Chains, who I've loved since I was 11 and, unlike the other bands I loved back then, never really stopped listening to and relating to.
It's weird, because I wouldn't have expected them to be the one that stuck with me longest. I loved Nirvana most, but it seemed like after a certain point in my life, the music just lost emotional resonance for me personally. I respect their music, but I haven't really had the desire to listen to them since, oh, 1997? Pearl Jam, I think, just moved on to a different stage of life, and I still love them, but I'm not there. I suspect that at some point in the future I'll pick up some of their later records and enjoy them immensely, but now is not the time. Soundgarden was also great, but aside from the brilliance that was "Superunknown," they seemed (to me) to be somewhat lacking in emotional depth.
But Alice in Chains? I've never really stopped listening to them for very long. "Dirt," especially, is a record that I've been playing on a fairly regular basis ever since I first heard it at age 11. It's probably my favorite record of all time.
I remember when I first got into Alice in Chains. I was in sixth grade, taking the bus a half hour to and from a private school, so I bought this little radio/tape player with headphones. I started out by listening to my parents' classic rock station, because I didn't know shit about music, but at some point I changed over to the top 40 station (97.5 WPST) to hear what people my age were listening to. This was 1993, the height of "grunge" in the mainstream, when Nirvana, Pearl Jam, AIC, and Soundgarden were all in heavy rotation. (Though mixed in with lots of dance and rap nonsense, and some decent 80s stuff like Depeche Mode and New Order that I got into much later.)
"Jar of Flies" had just come out, and they were playing "I Stay Away" and "No Excuses" regularly. Luckily for me, I had good taste as an 11 year old. I bought that record (which is brilliant, though almost too painful to listen to now). But because I was 11 and had very little money, I couldn't buy most of the records I wanted, so I'd take them out from the library over and over. That's how I got my hands on "Dirt," before I eventually bought it -- it was a CD from the library. We only had one CD player in our house, in the living room, so I'd come home after school, curl up in the chair, and play that CD while reading the lyric booklet over and over. (That album had such gorgeous artwork, too.) Then I'd have to quickly turn it off and run out of the room whenever my dad would come home and glare at me hatefully. He, uh, disapproved of pretty much everything about me for my entire teenage life, especially the music I loved.
But anyway, "Dirt." It was so angry and so passionate and so beautiful. Jerry Cantrell was quoted once saying something like "Layne has the most beautiful way of saying something horrible that I've ever heard." And that's true of Jerry, too--his arrangements, his songwriting, they're just incredible, the darkness and the way he makes it so lovely. The way the two of them work together, the blend of Jerry's songwriting and Layne's lyrics and vocal skills, just blows me away. Not to mention the blend of their voices--those two did the greatest harmonies that I've ever heard in music. They complemented each other so perfectly.
It's fascinating to watch the progession from their first record, "Facelift," to "Dirt," the way that those two clearly grew together musically. Jerry just does backing vocals on "Facelift," but by the end of "Dirt" he's doing the verses of "Would?" and Layne's doing the chorus, and they trade off so perfectly that it just feels RIGHT--you can't imagine that song without both vocalists. Or "Down in a Hole," the singing back and forth, and the way that they sing their different lines together in that one moment that nearly makes me cry every time I hear it. (It might even be better in the unplugged version.) And, of course, Layne in his prime had absolutely the most astounding, beautiful voice, so much range, and such depth, such power and emotion, the perfect blend of strength and vulnerability.
So I've been trying to figure out why they've stuck with me for so long, when other bands I've loved haven't. I think part of it is just the passion and charisma and honesty of Layne Staley--the way he opens himself up and just pours his soul into those lyrics and words. I mean, once you've been touched so deeply by someone that way, how can you ever stop caring about them?
I also think that, lyrically, they've got a lot of recurring themes that have remained relevant to me. As much as I respect Jerry as a musician, it's almost always Layne's lyrics that strike a chord. He often writes about loss of innocence ("Rotten Apple," "Angry Chair," etc), like, making mistakes at a young age and realizing it, but not being able to go back. He writes about being horrified at what you've become, what your choices have led to. And about being so utterly lonely. (For varying reasons that would be way too personal and boring, these themes mean a lot to me).
I know that Layne's lyrics were also a lot more specific to his particular situation, which THANK GOD I can't relate to. I can find the themes meaningful, though, even if I haven't been through those exact experiences. And it is definitely thanks to Layne that I have always sworn NEVER to touch hard drugs. He's talked in interviews about how he put such honesty in his lyrics because he wanted that to get through to listeners, to warn people not to make the mistake he made, and I sure got it loud and clear. I mean, how can you listen to a song like "Nutshell" and ever want to emulate what this man is feeling?
His poetry wasn't always the greatest--there are some awkward lines in some of those songs. But it's more than adequate; he was brutally honest and used imagery beautifully. (My favorite song is probably "Angry Chair," and I've never liked the video for that one because the lyrics are so stunning that I could always SEE that song in my head without any need for a visual aid.) And, like I said, that voice. He gave those words such incredible depth and emotional power.
Layne also has that ... sweetness? soulfullness? charisma? ... that makes you care about him even when he's singing about the most horrific things. Seems like everyone who ever met him and talked publicly about him would emphasize what a gentle, kind person he was, with an exceptional sense of humor. (A former friend of mine knew him from back in fading days of 80s metal and said the same, that Layne was a very sweet person.) And that personality came through in his music. (And god, I HATE that the media always overlooked that he was a kind and funny person. It's all "Layne the junkie recluse," which if you listen to ONE DAMN INTERVIEW is SO not all there was to him. It's like once you're known for using drugs you become an un-person, and it's perfectly okay to mock you and ridicule you and treat you like a commodity or a joke, to define you by your problems instead of by your talents or personality. Like all good qualities become erased because you've made a mistake?)
When I listen to AIC I listen almost exclusively to "Dirt." I'll play a couple of songs from "Facelift" ("Bleed the Freak," "Love Hate Love," "It Ain't Like That"), but overall I think "Facelift" is a record from a band with a lot of passion who hadn't quite found their musical place yet. Plus it's still got a lot of dumb 80s metal elements. Still, it's also got one of their greatest songs, "Man in the Box" (which I don't listen to on my own because it's their most played song and I don't want to get overexposed and sick of it). And you can hear Layne's voice really wonderfully on that record. "Love Hate Love" shows his range exceptionally well, and the darkness in that song is a great precursor to their later work. I'm absolutely fascinated by the sinister yet vulnerable tone he manages to pull off in that one. It sounds like he's going to kill you slowly, but you'll want him to.
"Sap" is a record that's a bit too short for extended listens, plus you have to put up with that irritating joke track. And the classic "Alice Mudgarden" song, with Mark Arm and Chris Cornell, never seemed that great to me. Still, "Got Me Wrong" is one of their best songs--I usually just throw it into my MP3 playlist with the other stuff. It's clearly a Jerry song, and the best thing there is the blending of their voices. It's like they're two parts of the same entity. (I read this heartbreaking interview where Jerry was talking about how they grew together as musicians--Jerry encouraged Layne to write more songs, and Layne encouraged Jerry to sing more. People accuse Jerry of trying to sing like Layne now, but really, that IS how he sings--because they grew as musicians together, Layne is a part of him, and he's not going to purposely change his style to sound less like Layne. *sob*)
"Dirt" is a band absolutely in its prime. They've got the passion of "Facelift," the depth of "Sap," the skill as musicians to truly pull off everything they're trying to achieve, and they know each other well enough to work together and play off of each other's strengths perfectly. There just aren't even words for how great that record is. There's not a single song that I'd ever skip on that record, except maybe "Rain When I Die." Maybe.
It's almost a concept album, in that it's so thematically/emotionally consistent and in the way that the emotions progress as the album continues. The topics vary, especially with the ones Jerry wrote, but they're all bound by a common emotional thread. "Them Bones" is about coming to grips with your own mortality, "Dam That River" is an angry song supposedly about an argument, "Rain When I Die" and "Down in a Hole" are about relationships (very dark songs about relationships). And "Rooster," one of the classic songs of the 90s, is about Jerry's father's experience in Vietnam.
"Down in the Hole" is my favorite of this section of the album. It's quite simply one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. The hushed tone, intricately beautiful music, and utterly stunning harmonies between Layne and Jerry are beyond belief. And the lyrics--"I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied." "Sand rains down and here I sit/Holding rare flowers in a tomb" "I've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste" "Down in a hole/Losing my soul" ... I could continue; all the words are astounding. Just SO gorgeous. I can't even explain it in words; you have to listen.
IMO, though, the album really kicks into high gear when it gets into the songs for which Layne wrote the lyrics. The second half (heh, back in the old days it was "side 2") is the infamous heroin cycle that got the band so much shit from the media. It's about as honest and dark and brutal as you can get. "Junkhead" is a song that I always found almost impossible to listen to--it's dark and creepy and somewhere between mocking and confessing, I think. How would you justify heroin use to yourself? This song tells how. It's so damn creepy. But I think it's absolutely necessary for the album, to take you into the junkie's head, explain how he got into this situation. If the record only had the anti-drug songs, it would feel more like a lecture. This way he gets you into his mind state, so that you take the trip with him. But my god, it's creepy and hard to listen to.
Next up is "Dirt," which is also hard to listen to. And if you made the mistake of thinking "Junkhead" was a pro-drug song, the fact that it's followed by "Dirt" ought to clear that up really quickly. I think this may actually be their darkest song, though others disagree. Anyway, it sends shivers down my spine.
"God Smack" follows (the song from which a vastly inferior band stole their name), which is sort of the wake up call moment. The absolute visceral horror Layne conveys when he cries "What in God's name have you done?" is so personal and like, directly out of a nightmare. I listen to that song and think THANK GOD I'm not in the situation he was in. To realize that he was there, actually experiencing that horror, looking at himself and realizing that he made a mistake and completely fucked himself over, that's just the most disturbing thing I can imagine. The image, which comes up a couple of times in this cycle of songs, of looking at yourself in the mirror and being horrified by what you see--that's the essence of this.
I've read varying interpretations of this cycle of songs. One is that it's a "day in the life" kind of thing, from getting the drugs and justifying it to yourself, through getting high, through realizing you're in way over your head. The other is that it's over a longer period of time--for months or years, it works for you, but you continue to sink into it and by the time you realize you're in over your head, it's too late and you're completely fucked. I like that one as it's a bit less literal, although I like the first interpretation because it's a bit more visceral and immediate.
Anyway, next up is "Hate to Feel." When I went to the Vulkon in Cleveland a year and a half ago, we took a day trip to the rock and roll hall of fame. Everyone else wandered about looking at the various exhibits. They lost me, though, as I stopped in front of the Alice in Chains section and just worshipped for most of the visit. In addition to old concert fliers, Jerry's boots, and the claymation dolls from the "I Stay Away" video, they also had Layne's HANDWRITTEN LYRICS to "Hate to Feel." *dies*
The words are gorgeous and heartbreaking--this is where the mirror image first comes up, if I recall correctly. ("mirror on the wall will show you what you're scared to see") The lines about his father are also so sad--I just read recently that his father was also an addict, who left the family when Layne was very young, and then supposedly came back when he was famous to GET DRUGS off his famous son. I suppose the line "All this time I swore I'd never be like my old man/What the hey, it's time to face exactly who I am" would support that. If "God Smack" is the horror at the moment of realization of what you're doing, "Hate to Feel" is the struggle with acceptance. He knows it, but he wishes he didn't ("wish I couldn't see at all" "wish I couldn't feel at all") but he's also starting to look in the mirror and face what he's horrified to have become.
(The one theme that always bothered me, though, in Layne's lyrics was a sense of acceptance of fate. This is what I've become, I've doomed myself--that theme goes back quite early. ("Eat of the apple so young...I've written my own part") Acceptance that he's got a problem is necessary if he's ever going to deal with it, but acting as if his death from it is inevitable? At a certain point it probably was, but not that early. And in his interviews he always gave the impression of trying to fight it, of wanting to get better, of planning to be around a long time. That sense of inevitability, going all the way back to "Dirt" in '91/'92, just breaks my heart. Though perhaps he was only pouring his darkest feelings into his lyrics, while he wasn't writing about the part of him that still wanted to fight. And this speculation feels way too personal so I'll stop.)
"Hate to Feel" is followed by "Angry Chair," which is maybe my favorite song ever. Going with the "day in a life" literal interpretation of the cycle, it's supposedly about rehab. I buy that--a lot of the lines resonated with me so strongly because they seemed like perfect responses to the inane psychobabble my mom used to spout constantly. "Loneliness is not a phase," for example. (Though sadly that line is followed by one of the cheesiest ever--"Field of pain is where I graze"--what are you, a depressed cow? Though he makes up for it with "Saw my reflection and cried," and that ends up being one of the most powerful sections of the song. Plus, he sings these parts so PERFECTLY that even the "field of pain" line sounds awesome in context.)
But the aspect of "Angry Chair" that always resonated with me was the longing for innocence lost. "What do I see across the way/See myself molded in clay/Stares at me yeah I'm afraid/Changing the shape of his face." That always seemed like looking at a young version of yourself and watching it change into your current self, and being upset at the way you've changed, the young "innocent" version of you is destroyed to make way for the flawed version that you are now. "Little boy made a mistake/Pink cloud has now turned to grey/All that I want is to play/Get on your knees, time to pray, boy" always seemed like longing for the lost child inside yourself, who made a mistake that changed you, and now you're completely fucked and that version of you is destroyed. You can't go back to the innocent that you were. There's no evading of responsibility in these songs--he knows that he's the one who made the mistake. But he clearly was completely unprepared for the utter horror of the consequences.
That song also has the most gorgeous visual imagery, the red candles, "shadows dancing everywhere," angry walls that steal the air. And the music, I'm a lyrics person but I shouldn't leave that out. The song opens and closes with this winding, creeping, ominous, beautiful drums and then bass. Unforgettable. And musically it's just intricate and gorgeous--it's a heavy song, but the heaviness sort of creeps up on you in a way that you don't realize until you're in the thick of it. (Sorry my musical comments aren't so insightful--I know the way it makes me feel more than the technical aspects of how it works.)
My version of "Dirt" is a Japanese import that actually has "Down in a Hole" here, and it sort of fits, but the version I grew up with has "Would?" at this point. "Would?" is a Jerry song after a string of Layne songs, but it still fits with the cycle. It's about Andy Wood, the singer from Mother Love Bone (whose members later formed Pearl Jam) who died of a heroin overdose in 1990. This is also quite possibly the greatest closing song on any record ever. It's got the blending of voices for which AIC is rightfully famous--Jerry softly singing the verses and then Layne belting out the chorus. And that final, shocking "If I would, could you?" which closes this record with such power. There's debate about to what this refers, and I think you can rightfully interpret it however you want--there's so many layers and levels of meaning in this record. I always took the "would" as referring to the preceding lines, "Have I gone and left you here alone?" So the next question would be, if I would leave [die from drugs], would you? Could you end up in the same situation I did? And the you--it could be Jerry asking Layne if he's going to follow Andy, or it could be the band challenging the audience--you've heard how horrible addiction is, are you going to let it happen to yourself now, or are you going to make better choices? Or it could be a warning not to judge--this happens to lots of people, don't be so quick to judge because it could happen to you, too.
Either way, fucking brilliant.
The best books take you to another place. You get so immersed that you are IN that world, you FEEL those emotions, and when you're finished it's like waking up to a whole other place. That's what this album is like--this band takes you with them, so that you FEEL their emotions. It's like living a nightmare, and when the final line hits you, you wake up and realize you have a second chance. The nightmare wasn't true--but it could be... it all depends on the choices you make.
The album after "Dirt" is "Jar of Flies," which is actually an EP--shorter than an album. Written and recorded, amazingly enough, in seven days, and the first EP to go to number one on the billboard charts. To be honest, I haven't been able to listen to this record much since Layne passed away. On the one hand, "Rotten Apple" and "Nutshell" are too heartbreaking to believe. I used to feel a sense of hope from this music, that Layne was so lonely and struggling so hard, but that maybe he could make it. Since I know he didn't, I just almost can't stand to listen to those songs now. "Nutshell," especially, is one of their best songs, so beautifully written and sung, but so personal. "And yet I fight this battle all alone/No one to cry to, no place to call home." Why did he feel that way? I know he had people who loved him and wanted to help him. I can understand that, I've been there, but it really hurts to hear.
I don't listen to "No Excuses" and "I Stay Away" mostly because they were so overexposed on the radio that I don't want to get sick of them. Still, "No Excuses" is a beautiful song, and it has one of my favorite AIC lines ever. I wonder if it was written from Jerry to Layne. The line is "You my friend/I will defend/And if we change, well, I love you anyway." The simple honesty of that statement just kills me.
"Whale & Wasp" is absolutely one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. This is especially shocking for me since I'm all about lyrics, and this song is an instrumental. I had no idea that instruments could have such soul and emotion, that such pure music could actually bring tears to my eyes. Probably my favorite thing that Jerry's ever done.
"Don't Follow" is another gorgeous song, though a bit too country for me, and the reference to "my woman" is such a Jerry redneck thing. And "Swing on This" is irritating. It sounds like a stream of consciousness stream of excuses without much thought behind it.
I don't really listen to their self titled record so much. Layne's voice was already going downhill at that point, and a lot of the lyrics had become about the press and the media and the record companies. I know they're writing what they know, but this seems to be a syndrome that hits a lot of bands: before they're famous, they write songs that lots of people can relate to; after they're famous, they write songs about fame that very few can relate to. This album has its cool moments, and some really creepy intricate twisted fascinating arrangements, but overall it just feels uninspired compared to their earlier records. (Though I must say, I remember when the "Grind" single first came out; I heard it on the radio in my bedroom while doing math homework, and was actually jumping up and down and shrieking with joy at how cool it was. Even on a weaker record, these guys were still miles ahead of similar bands.)
I'm of two minds about the unplugged performance. On one hand, it has this lovely, hushed, solemn, gorgeous quality. The performance of "Down in a Hole" is absolutely haunting; the acoustic setting makes the ways Layne and Jerry blend their voices even clearer. The moment when their voices overlap in this one is maybe even better than in the studio version. And the unplugged performance also shows the exceptional strength of their songwriting--it more than stands up to the lack of distortion and electric guitars. Many of the unplugged versions are just as good, if not better, than the plugged in versions. And, at this point, Layne still had a beautiful voice. But it's not the voice he had in 1991, y'know? Hearing how much he's lost, even when he's still quite good, is heartbreaking. The video is also so sad. Layne was still beautiful, but he was like, broken beautiful. I hate seeing him so sick. But his performance was good, the band was wonderful, Layne was sweet and funny with the audience. So I suppose, in the end, it was a good send-off for Alice in Chains.
Okay, now I'm gonna go cry.
Anyway. So what I've been doing these past two weekends is exploring the joyous wonder of the internet. See, when I was a kid, when I wanted information about Alice in Chains, it meant making my mom drive me 40 minutes to the mall every few weeks and going through every bookstore, combing through every single article in every potentially relevant magazine. It meant making my mom drive me to libraries all over the state and meticulously sorting through their archives of "Rolling Stone" and "Guitar" and other relevant magazine. It meant saving every penny of my allowance to buy back issues or to use the copy machines at the libraries. It meant going to thrift stores seeking back issues of magazines like "Spin" that the libraries didn't carry, and it meant every time we traveled to another state I insisted on going through the libraries there. It meant ordering every rock merchandise catalog and sorting through the lists of t-shirts and bootlegs and saving up every bit of money I had to buy the things I wanted the very most. It meant renting "Last Action Hero" multiple times solely because there's a soundtrack advertisement that has a clip of the video for "What the Hell Have I?" It meant two summers of staying up in my parents basement EVERY NIGHT until 7am, reading books with MTV on the background, waiting for them to play Alice in Chains videos during their late night video shows. (Two summers of effort, and I managed to see "Would?" "Them Bones" and "No Excuses." "I Stay Away" was, of course, in heavy rotation and easy to see.)
And now, all I have to do is type "Alice in Chains" into google, and IT'S ALL FUCKING RIGHT THERE. My god, I still just can't get over that. 12-year-old me would've had a heart attack and DIED if she knew about this.
I grew up with this band. I read their interviews and I cared about them and I wanted them to succeed. I was deeply invested in their success and their happiness. I cared about them as people and as artists who I admired. And for a while, they were on top; they were one of the biggest bands of the decade. It all went to hell later, of course, so it's probably better that I stopped paying so much attention. It's really upsetting to watch the way the interviews change, from "We're going to prove our detractors wrong and come back better than ever" to "Well, that stage of our lives is probably over, but we still have hope." They never officially broke up the band, though, they always had that hope. (I downloaded a Rockline interview with Layne from 1999 and even then, he says that he still has hope for the band....). And I love that the other guys never did some cheesy exposé. They could've gotten so much attention for something like that, but they were always loyal to each other, even with the media hounding them. The way that, in later years, EVERY damn interview would drill Jerry about Layne, and every time he'd refuse to gossip.
The interviews with Jerry after Layne passed away are horrible. His second solo album came out around then, so he had all these interviews scheduled. One referred to Jerry playing "Down in a Hole" without Layne. The idea of that song, so perfect and beautiful and whose standout quality was the blending of their voices, missing its other half.... And Jerry was clearly devastated for a while there. It breaks my heart so badly, Jerry without Layne. They went together perfectly, an amazing friendship and musical partnership lost forever.
Anyway, I've been trying to focus on the positive, celebrate what I loved about them. So I've been downloading old videos, stuff I'd probably have killed for back in 1994. I found two performances from the "Singles" premiere party (they're friends with Cameron Crowe, and were the bar band in that movie, and on the soundtrack). A good performance of "Would?" and an astounding performance of "Junkhead." I've never seen that song performed, and this was better than a concert bootleg since it's professionally shot and full of close ups. Layne was in his prime, physically beautiful and with such exceptional control over his voice, such range and passion. Well, I could ramble all day about Layne's voice, but man, it was amazing to SEE him singing instead of just hearing him.
I also found a bootleg concert video from 1991, which is so great--they all seem to be in high spirits. Layne holds the microphone over the audience and lets them sing along with "Man in the Box," and he stage dives into the crowd. (Also, he sings most of the show shirtless--have I mentioned how pretty he was back in the day?) Plus, at the end, they do a performance of the hilarious song "Queen of the Rodeo," which is about a cross-dressing cowboy--Layne wears a cowboy hat, and sings with such humor. It's so neat to see them happy--that's one thing that the media constantly misses, how funny they were. Every interview with the whole band is a dream--they're more like a crew of comedians than "dark broody" musicians. I *really* need to get ahold of the episode of Headbanger's Ball with them in a waterpark and Jerry in a speedo. And the Nona tapes, which is 15 minutes of Jerry cavorting about in incredibly convincing drag--I have that, and it's hilarious. He goes around interviewing the band members and mocking the media stereotypes of them. Too cool.
Anyway. So that's what I'm doing now, listening and watching stuff of them in their prime, enjoying the great art they had to offer.
Christ, I can't believe I wrote all that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-20 02:15 pm (UTC)I used to like Marillion a lot and I moved on to like Fish, the ex-leadsinger of Marillion - after the big split-up. Recently I heard that Fish gave up his musical career entirely and that makes me sad. I still own a formidable collection of CDs and bootlegs, but I don't listen to them often. Even so the knowledge that Fish is no longer touring makes me sad. *sigh*
My Marillion/Fish love lasted about 20 years. Some things just become part of you.
I am sorry that your interest in Spike and the Jossverse is now a thing of the past. I too feel the strain that lack of new material entails. There isn't even hope for a new season. This is a hiatus without end or hope. It's difficult to keep the flame of fannish enthusiasm burning, especially when authors, archivists, and readers move on to other fandoms.
I've been looking around for something worthy to obsess about, but I'm afraid I haven't found a single show that captivates me as much as Buffy, Angel, or Firefly did.
I suppose I'll keep going for another year or so. I still have enough stories to finish to keep me busy for months, and I still have plot bunnies. Maybe these things will keep me going until the Firefly movie comes out. I hope so.
I hope you'll find something else to fully immerse yourself in, although frankly, I don't know who is supposed to provide us with that. I have hopes for The Lost - but maybe that's sheer desperation speaking.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-21 11:25 am (UTC)I must admit, I don't know who Marillion was... I'm sorry. :(
I do hope that my next obsession will be music or perhaps film. Television just doesn't seem like the place to go if you're looking for sincerity or consistency or artistic integrity. Even if the creator is sincere, the network is sabotaging those things at every turn. I think you can find more focus and purity of vision in film or music (especially independent film or music... is there even any such thing as an independent TV series?)
David Fury is involved with Lost, isn't he? I know some people like him, but I just can't stand that guy. In truth, I haven't even turned on my TV in months. (Well, save for watching the Marilyn Manson/Stuart Townsend episode of "Carson Daly" ... ::drools::)
But yeah... I am hoping for something good to come along. I'm sad that I don't still care about the Buffyverse, but I realized that trying to force myself to care just makes me hate it even more.
It's not so much the lack of new material; it's just that I HATED the theme of the story and the direction that they took Spike. It makes me physically ill just thinking about it. In contrast, if they'd ended it after season five I'd probably still have fond feelings for the whole thing.
I'm glad that you still have stories and plot bunnies to keep you going. The great thing about Buffy fandom is that it has such a wonderful community around it. It's getting smaller but there's still a lot there....
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-20 02:19 pm (UTC)Its amazing isn't it, how things you just thought you'd never see are just available now...I don't know AIC but I will try to check them out.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-21 11:06 am (UTC)You should check them out, they're wonderful. Buy "Dirt" or "Jar of Flies," or download some of the songs I mentioned. It's worth it.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-20 03:43 pm (UTC)You've made me want to bust out my AIC music now. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-21 11:03 am (UTC)Awesome. :) You totally should; they're always worth listening to.
I agree about the honesty of them. So many bands now are half-assed AIC rip-offs, emulating Layne Staley's voice while singing about how much it sucks to be middle class and suburban. So shallow. When Layne sang you could HEAR and FEEL the depth of his emotion.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-20 04:19 pm (UTC)And because it's still all about the Buffy/Angelverse to me (I'm not sure if I'll ever get over this obsession because it has such personal relevance to me), I just wanted to ask if you know
Seconding Steph's wish that you find something else to fully immerse yourself in. Though you seem quite immersed in something as it is. Just as long as you're happy with it.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-21 11:14 am (UTC)Always a good thing; thanks. :)
I just wanted to ask if you know sisabet vidded "Would".
Cool. I didn't know that, but I'll check it out.
Though you seem quite immersed in something as it is.
Not really. I need something to seriously occupy my mind for a couple of years. This current focus probably won't last another week. Of course I'll always love them and listen to them regularly, but band's long broken-up; there's nothing to keep my mind wholly occupied for two years--no websites to build or concerts to travel to or stuff like that.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-21 11:48 pm (UTC)I chose two of my favorite bands from that time and had a tattoo done to 'document' that period of time for me. I have the sun that Layne drew on the inside of the 'Dirt' CD cover with a song title of NIN (now thats a whole other story :D ) inside the sun. So, yeah there are some other peeps out here that get the AIC thing.
On a side note, I'm waiting not so patiently for the new NIN cd to immerse myself in. Hopefully Trent will get off his ass and get it out before the end of the year.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-22 12:15 am (UTC)www.geocities.com/jezzebel009/personal7.html
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-22 08:49 am (UTC)Thanks for sending me the link. You are SO LUCKY to have met him.
If a genie ever gave me three wishes, I'm pretty sure that one of them would involve seeing Alice in Chains live. *sigh* I was born too late, dammit; 15 years earlier would've been PERFECT, I could've seen Empire Strikes Back in the theater, I could've seen all my favorite bands live.... WAH.
Your tattoo sounds awesome. Actually, it's funny, I almost mentioned this in my post but then I didn't. I don't have any tattoos because I've never been able to think of something that I would want on my body FOREVER. Probably about a week ago, looking through the Dirt artwork again, I realized that the sun logo would be the perfect thing. I would love to have that as a tattoo. I used to draw it on all my old notebooks--my school notes from back in the day are covered with versions of that sun.
Which NIN song title did you choose? I used to love them a lot--I still consider The Downward Spiral to be a great piece of art--but I don't listen to them much anymore. There seemed something constructed, or exaggerated, about Trent's pain, whereas Layne's always felt more sincere. But that's just me.
Oh, that's so cool that you have the Headbanger's Ball on tape! I'd love to trade, but uh, I'm trying to think of what I would have to trade with. Anything you're looking for? I have lots of MTV clips of them from back in the day, most are post-1994 though... I've got most of their Rockline appearances on audio tape, Mad Season on self pollution radio... this is all pretty common stuff, though, isn't it? Sorry I don't know much about trading but let me know if you have any pointers.
Thanks for responding; I'm so glad there are other people out there who know how wonderful AIC was.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-25 11:04 pm (UTC)I know what you mean about tattoos and forever. But, since music and the scene were such a big part of my life for so long it felt right. Pretty much only I can tell what the tattoos about, to everybody else it just looks like a pretty sun with some chinese writing inside of it. BTW the NIN song was 'Happiness in Slavery' ...which is why it's in Chinese. :D Sadly, I've always identified most with 'Broken' it's still my favorite release.
Don't worry about a trade, let me dig the tape out and make sure I can make a copy of it. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-29 08:00 am (UTC)*dies of jealousy*
Seriously, I missed nearly all my favorite bands in concert. I was 11/12/13 when they were all breaking up, and I wasn't allowed to go to concerts at that age. Nirvana, of course, was gone, and AIC wasn't touring by the time I grew to love them. I came THIS CLOSE to seeing Soundgarden, but my mom lost the letter that told the fan club how to get tickets, and they sold out the regular way. I figured I'd see them on their next tour, but no, they broke up. I did, at least, get to see Pearl Jam, but by then they were playing newer songs that I didn't connect with.
Ah well; the moral of the story is that now, when I have the opportunity to see a band I like, I take it. Because you never know when will be the last time.
Ahh, "Broken" is a great CD. That sounds like a wonderful tattoo.
You are so awesome for offering to make me a copy of the HB tape! Thank you so much! I'll definitely pay for shipping/the cost of the tape/whatever, just let me know. My email address is drinkthepoison@hotmail.com. Let me know yours and I'll send my mailing address. Thank you again. :)
Because it's all about me...
Date: 2004-09-24 12:10 pm (UTC)As per usual, I'm getting obsessed with something just as everybody else seems to find it passe. I recently submitted a fanfic to you, in hopes that it would be accepted. As the subject line reads, it's all about me :) so I'm wondering if I have a chance in hell of getting it accepted since you no longer seem interested in the subject matter. Should I not hold my breath?
I totally agree with you about the state of television. There are far more satisfying things for me to look at on the internet than I'll ever find on television. Without the Buffyverse, it is a vast wasteland.
Michelle
fotada@yahoo.com
Re: Because it's all about me...
Date: 2004-09-24 12:52 pm (UTC)It's pretty much already given up; I've barely updated it in months. I've said repeatedly that I'm not going to close it; the archive will remain as long as possible. However, regular updates are a thing of the past.
I will try to keep updating when works in progress are updated, or when authors I've archived before produce new work. No guarantees, though.
I haven't read Buffy fic in months and don't intend to do so any time soon. But you never know; at some point I may attempt to catch up.
There's still a very active Spike-fic community on LJ, and many people are producing great work. You're not too late, don't worry.
Re: Because it's all about me...
Date: 2004-09-25 12:21 pm (UTC)If it helps any, my fanfic is set in Season 4, post-chip, but obviously pre-soul.
Take care,
Michelle
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-03 03:05 am (UTC)but wow. once again, i find another spooky similarity between us! ha!
you're not crazy. or we both are. pick one.
i remember the exact moment i first heard of aic. i was babysitting for a family that had cable and the girls and i were watching mtv. man in the box came on as a "world premiere video" and i think i was hit by lightning at that moment. i was completely riveted. i'd never heard anything quite like it before (hard to explain to anyone now - when 1 in 6 bands tries to sound like them). it was disturbing and beautiful.
the next time i babysat there, i brought a videotape and left mtv on so i could videotape the video when it came on next.
man. those voices. jerry & layne -the way they harmonized. it gave me chills to listen to. i shit you not. and the crunchy, gorgeous guitar chords!
i played the vid for my mom & she fell as well. it was her favorite song for about a year. i used that video for "man in the box" as leverage to convince her to shell out for cable.
my bro had this friend everyone called axl & i knew axl had "dirt." i couldn't afford to buy the tape myself but i had a blank tape and i begged him to let me borrow his tape so i could copy it off. i still have that tape. ::happy sigh::
layne staley. hee. when i was in high school i was writing this novel (which i actually still dig a lot and still plan to finish some day) about a vampire. his name was layne. um... yeah. ::embarassed cough:: i always found him to be such a tragic figure. maybe because i'm so straight-edge. i knew how his story would end, even as i watched it play out in interviews on headbanger's ball. so when he did die, i wasn't very surprised. i remember reading about it in the paper and just feeling very quiet and sad all day. none of my friends around here were ever into aic, so i just kinda felt bad about it alone for awhile.
my friends do love to mock me for lusting after scrawny boys with tortured souls. "heroin boys" as popecorky calls them. but... yeah. i do.
the eesil and i had a class together back in high school everyone was chatting about what they'd name a kid if they had one. and seriously, i wanted to have a son and name him "layne." that name was top on my list for years.
so... the eesil just had a son. and she named him lane. of course, she spelled it like the road. probably because the "y" would've made it too hard to spell. but i remember being a bit peeved about it because, dude! she stole my hypothetical son's name!
basically, there are certain moments ingrained in my mind as sort of.... turning points for me. one of them was that first time i saw the "man in the box" video. another time was the first nin video i ever saw, "wish." those moments definitely helped shape the person i am today.
honestly, i think i would be a completely different person than i am now if i hadn't seen that video. it really did change my life. which is kinda weird. but absolutely true.
even now, i have the "punk" friends who mock me for my alice in chains love. but even they have to admit that aic were unfairly grouped into the grunge thing that led to lots of expectations of what they were attempting and what they should sound like that just shouldn't have applied. and they also have to admit that in retrospect, alice in chains were pretty fucking brillian musically and thematically. they have to admit these things or i will kick them in their general groiny areas.
also:
--your icon of the layne pic from spin? ::trembles::
--alice in chains was part of the soundtrack to the writing of "chain," but i didn't include it with the lyrics cuz spike was all punk poser and all the punk poser's i know wouldn't admit to liking aic (though though they might be in the closet) and i felt i should stick with the stuff the posers (and by extension - spike) would have in their collections.
--i must now dig out that videotape. and i have so many old videos i taped off of mtv. there goes my weekend! thanks a lot! :-)
and also some more?
scrawny boys w/eye makeup and tortured souls - yum!!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-05 03:56 pm (UTC)the next time i babysat there, i brought a videotape and left mtv on so i could videotape the video when it came on next.
Hee! I used to do that at my grandparents' house, back before I managed to talk my parents into getting us cable.
i played the vid for my mom & she fell as well.
LOL! My mom likes that one, too. It used to be whenever a band that sounded similar came on the radio, she'd go "Is that Layne Staley?" (Of course, half the time it was Stone Temple Pilots or something, but points for mom effort.)
when i was in high school i was writing this novel [] about a vampire
Also eerie. I wrote a novel about a vampire in high school, too. Thankfully it's lost forever. That's so cute that you named him Layne!
i always found him to be such a tragic figure. maybe because i'm so straight-edge.
He is a large part of the reason I am so straight-edge. It broke my heart to see such an amazing person, with so much passion and talent, fall apart.
i knew how his story would end, even as i watched it play out in interviews on headbanger's ball.
I think most people did. I used to have nightmares all the time about finding out that he was dead. But it also seemed like, maybe since everyone thinks this is going to happen, he will find a way to prove them wrong. There was always that little bit of hope.
so when he did die, i wasn't very surprised. i remember reading about it in the paper and just feeling very quiet and sad all day. none of my friends around here were ever into aic, so i just kinda felt bad about it alone for awhile.
I was surprised just because it had been so long. He wasn't on my mind at all; it was the last thing I expected to hear, even though I'd sort of been waiting for it for years.
At first I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, I was a little kid when I adored him, and yeah it's sad, but nothing to do with me. Then a few days later I got REALLY upset and cried a lot. Also, one of my old high school friends sent me an email about it, which meant a lot to me because I didn't think anyone would have noticed he was dead/remembered that I liked AIC/bothered to write to me.
It helped me feel a bit better to send a donation to the rehab center that his family was asking that donations be sent to. And then a while later his MOM wrote back. I had scrawled some note along with the donation, I forget what, but apparently I called Layne a "beautiful soul" because his mom replied and said that meant a lot to her. And that my handwriting reminded her of his. She also sent a bunch of momentos from his memorial service--pictures, prayers, and a really nice eulogy written by Barrett Martin. So that made me think of him totally as a real person, not just as an incredibly talented and beautiful musician. And made me cry a lot more. It's been two and a half years and now I'm just finally able to listen to Jar of Flies again without crying. At some point I want to go out to Seattle for one of the yearly tributes they have for him on his birthday.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-05 03:56 pm (UTC)there are certain moments ingrained in my mind as sort of.... turning points for me.
Yeah, exactly. I have the same kinds of moments. I would definitely be a completely different person if music hadn't influenced me the way it did.
even now, i have the "punk" friends who mock me for my alice in chains love. but even they have to admit that aic were unfairly grouped into the grunge thing that led to lots of expectations of what they were attempting and what they should sound like that just shouldn't have applied. and they also have to admit that in retrospect, alice in chains were pretty fucking brillian musically and thematically. they have to admit these things or i will kick them in their general groiny areas.
Hee! Go you. Seriously, I know what you mean. AIC got a lot of ridiculous criticism because they were from Seattle, but otherwise so different from other "grunge" bands (which were ALL different from each other anyway!) And I guess people were afraid to like them because their 80s metal roots weren't "cool" anymore, or whatever. Stupid shit. Their music was amazing; that's what counts.
your icon of the layne pic from spin? ::trembles::
OMG, right?? I've been lusting after that photo for years (and trying to obtain a copy of the magazine, which I finally got on ebay after 10 years of bugging Spin's back issue department and searching libraries and thrift stores).
i didn't include it with the lyrics cuz spike was all punk poser and all the punk poser's i know wouldn't admit to liking aic
I dunno ... Spike's been around an awfully long time, and seen so many musical fads come and go. I think he'd like whatever he liked regardless of whether it was cool. Plus, ME's idea of punk never extended beyond the Ramones and the Sex Pistols, so there's plenty of space to fill in ... oh, and he did like Nirvana; lots of Nirvana fans like AIC 'cause of the Seattle thing.... I could totally see Spike rocking out to Dirt, and then secretly crying when Down in a Hole came on.
i must now dig out that videotape. and i have so many old videos i taped off of mtv.
LOL, same here. My dream is to copy them all to the computer and organize all the stuff I've taped by band in chronological order. But since I have something like 50 6-hour tapes, that project is probably going to have to wait a while....
scrawny boys w/eye makeup and tortured souls - yum!!
We so share a brain.