looking in the wrong places

I get so emotionally invested in things where I am irrelevant and invisible.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been as emotionally invested in something going on in my own life as I get with fandoms.

I’ve tried making fandoms into my life, but that has never really worked. I am always on the outside, trying to be somewhere where there is no need for me to be.

I guess the alternative is to organically live life in a way that isn’t oriented around fandoms? So that I can emotionally engage with real things where I might have an actual role to play?

“Be yourself” and “follow your heart” has always led me to fandoms, though. Is that wrong?

I find it hard to believe I will somehow find an engaging life by forcing myself to do stuff I don’t want to do, because I’d rather be at home reading Loki fanfic or staring at Sleep No More actors from a balcony.

I should try doing something creative and social. Where there are straight men around. But what?

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.

(no subject)

I hate everything that I write.

Like this. I was trying to figure out how to take the “I”s and “me”s out, but I couldn’t. I wanted to write about why Paul is amazing, not about the impact Paul had on me personally, which is irrelevant. But I couldn’t separate the two; everything became generic and weirdly removed when I took out the “I”s and “me”s.

But with them in, it’s like, god, so narcissistic and who fucking cares.

I was crying as I wrote the post – it’s trying to describe something that meant so much to me – but when I read it, the emotion isn’t there at all. I don’t understand. I feel these things so intensely, but I can’t communicate them at all.

I’m going to make a filter for my overly personal Sleep No More posts so I can stop spamming you guys. Please comment if you want to be on it. (I might still post the generic ones publicly, sorry.)

Originally published at rusty-halo.com. You can comment here or there.