(no subject)

[rusty_halo]

I didn't read anything this weekend. I just couldn't bring myself to be interested in fic. Seeing as how I've been reading 2 or 3 stories a day for the past few months, I suppose it makes sense that I would start to get sick of it. Hopefully this is only temporary, as the archive is not going to fare very well otherwise.

Part of the problem is that the whole idea of Spike/Buffy just couldn't be more uninteresting to me. I want Spike to move on and 1) learn to love himself without basing so much on what other people think of him and 2) find a partner who can commit the same depth of love and devotion to him that he gives to the person he loves. I don't think that Buffy could ever be this person; her calling, her friends and family, and her self-absorbtion will always come first. She's never taken the time to get to know and appreciate Spike for who he is, his thoughts, feelings, desires, experiences, opinions, etc., and I just don't think she ever will. And Spike deserves better than that.

So whenever I read S/B fics now, I have such a hard time enjoying the pairing. There are a few authors who manage to interest me, because they address these points and they make Buffy seem more like a human being, but for the most part when a story puts S/B together, I'm just like "Why???" It's like people put them together because it's expected, because it's "the ship," but without putting any real reason or thought behind it (or putting the reason for it into the story).

The fact that Spike wants Buffy is not enough reason for me. One of my friends dated an abusive bastard who treated her like shit and wouldn't let her leave the house alone because he was so paranoid and controlling. My friend *wanted* to be with this guy, because he made her feel loved/needed/whatever, but just because she wanted him didn't make the relationship *right*. Spike wants Buffy because *Spike* is needy, and because he appreciates something in Buffy that really doesn't seem to be there except in Spike's mind. It would be so much healthier for him to get over this dependence and grow as a person than it would for him to be trapped once again in a relationship with a person who is so wrong for him.

(end rant)

I did get some real life stuff done this weekend, mainly cooking. The best thing I made was also the simplest: I put banana, strawberries, kiwi, and tangerine juice in the blender and made a very yummy fruit drink. I also made a fruit salad and a vegetable dish (sauteéd onions, garlic, and green peppers with tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, basil, cayenne pepper, and sea salt). All very simple but good.

I really miss cooking for other people (when I lived at home, my mom and brother would always share what I made). It's no fun just to cook for myself. So I asked my roommate if she wanted any and she did, and she was really happy, so that's good. It's definitely better to share.

Also I discovered that the garlic in my refrigerator was ... sprouting? these green stalks were coming out of the top. I didn't cook with it, obviously, but I'm wondering what I should do with it. If I stick it in water, will it grow? Or should I just throw it out?

I figured out why I've been so maudlin and depressed lately: PMS. It's good to know that I'm not going (permanently) insane. I'm going to eat lots of chocolate and hopefully feel better soon. And if I sent you some horribly whiny email, please just delete it and pretend you never read it. I apologize, and hope I haven't lost *everyone*'s respect.

I also realized that the existence of this livejournal is encouraging me to be more whiny and self-indulgent than I'd usually be. It's like it's calling me: "Look, I'm a journal! I exist for the sole purpose of venting and ranting about whatever you're feeling! That's what I'm for! Come on, you know you want to!" Except, of course, it's not a journal; a real journal is private. This is something that most of the people I know can see and read and discover all the least attractive aspects of me in. To be honest, I was just going to delete the journal altogether, except that jodyorjen was so cool and got me a paid account, so now I feel that I must use it. Also I do want to keep in touch with everyone and maybe get to know some people better. But I've resolved not to write personal stuff in here anymore, and if I began to get maudlin/whiny/ranty again, please remind me/tell me to shut up. Thanks. (And if you do actually want to talk about more personal stuff you can always email me privately).

Comments

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

I love your icon. Lots. I may have to do a spandery version, if that's okay?

[claudia-yvr.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-) You'll have to ask anniesj - she's the talented one who made it for me!