Very Bad TV. (Warning: Valentine's Day makes me even bitchier than usual.)

[rusty_halo]

Best Valentine's Day cards ever.

jaydk came over yesterday for an evening of very bad TV:

Torchwood 2x05

* It's "Superstar"! I liked Jonathan better.

* "Superstar" mixed with "Out of Mind, Out of Sight"? Apparently they just shuffle up old Buffy scripts and mix them with slash fanfiction to make Torchwood.

* And this one's got a dash of Dark City thrown in. Was that Ianto serial-killer bit tacked on or what? We already know the dude can do over-the-top wibbling, and they didn't go anywhere else with it.

* I'm amused that they're doing a Mary Sue episode right before the return of Martha Sue.

* LOL, Ianto remembers that Lisa existed. Funny how he forgets that JACK FED HER TO A PTERODACTYL.

* I feel so bad for Rhys. He's like a decent, sane human trapped in morass of crazy stupid people.

* jaydk thinks Owen is cute as a nerd. I still think he looks like a hideous purple-lipped frog creature.

* OH MY GOD TOSH STOP BEING SO PATHETIC. Is she purposely trying to punish herself by falling for the nastiest person on the planet? Please grow some self-esteem. You are way hotter than the frog creature, Tosh.

* Ianto keeps a diary. This amuses me. Yep, he totally would. I'm sure he draws Jack's name with hearts around it, too.

* Jack grew up on Tatooine? I wonder if they purposely hired a child actor who's just as awkwardly over-the-top bad as John Barrowman. I love the Boeshane Peninsula reference; just keep rubbing it in and making the fangirls cry. Jack's going to end up as a giant ugly head in a jar! >:)

* Jack as benevolent father figure to the gang? Jack, you will never be the Doctor. The Doctor doesn't solve every problem by shooting it! Just stop already.

* Jack LETS ADAM INTO HIS MIND. I know I'm overusing capslock here but JACK LETS ADAM INTO HIS MIND! Right after telling him that he's about to wipe him from existence! Knowing that this is the same guy who gleefully put serial killer memories into Ianto!

* Jack gives up precious memories in order to vanquish Adam. Because it wouldn't be Torchwood if they didn't make noble sacrifices for NO GOOD REASON. And have the most nihilistic ending possible. I mean, Jack doesn't even try to solve it another way?

* All in all, this was a return to the good old days of season one, when there was absolutely nothing to do with this show but throw up your strongest snark defenses and try to keep your brains from melting right out of your skull.

Torchwood 2x06

* BWAHAHAHAHA THE DOCTOR GOT MARTHA HER JOB. Oh my god I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing. jaydk and I cracked up about this all night. HE NEVER EVER THANKED HER OR APPRECIATED HER--except all those times he thanked her and hugged her and appreciated her and OH YEAH GOT A JOB FOR HER.

So I can't wait to see how the anti-Doctor people spin this. It's proof that er... he hates her because he's trying to put her in dangerous situations? Just wants to be rid of her by keeping her occupied elsewhere? No, wait, I know! It's proof that the writers are misogynist racists because the black woman only got her job due to the white man vouching for her! Never mind that she *just* graduated from medical school and by all means should have had to work her way up just like anyone else.

Rose didn't need the Doctor calling in favors to get a job at AU Torchwood! *falls over laughing*

* Naturally, everyone immediately loves Martha Sue. And she's a better doctor than Owen, of course! But he can't help himself from falling for her anyway because SHE'S JUST SO DAMN AWESOME. This like a textbook on "how to write a Mary Sue."

* Freema Agyeman: still just the one facial expression. Maybe some day she could try *not* smirking?

* Martha WALKED THE EARTH. She SAVED THE WORLD. Did you miss it? Don't worry, we'll remind you every 15 seconds, just in case for a moment you forgot that MARTHA SUE WALKED THE EARTH AND SAVED THE WORLD!!!!1111!11!!!11!

* Gwen has absolutely nothing to do in this episode. Martha Sue's completely co-opted her part. (And I don't think Gwen is a Mary Sue--she's got multiple dimensions--but I guess the writers couldn't fit them both in simultaneously? I think they just took a pre-written script, gave Martha Gwen's part, and threw in some medical jargon.)

If I were a Torchwood fan I'd be seriously pissed about Martha Sue marching in and parading her awesomeness while the regulars are sent to the sidelines.

* Jack made a Master reference! Only good thing about the entire episode. Well, that and the Blon Slitheen photo. Though unfortunately it reminds me that the inanity of Torchwood continues to exist in the same universe as the awesome things in Doctor Who.

* Martha's got a magical super mutated immune system! Could she possibly be more of a textbook Mary Sue?

* I feel bad for the giant alien bug thing. Gwen's giving it the big sad-eyed compassionate expression, which means it is soon to die.

* Yep, dead. The Pharm: We experiment on aliens in order to help humans. Torchwood: WE KILL ALIENS DEAD. I fail to see the moral superiority of Torchwood here. Notice it never occurs to them to rescue the alien test subjects. Has Jack completely forgotten that the entire reason he's trying to be such a good guy is that he was inspired BY AN ALIEN?

It brings back bad memories of the Buffyverse and how they'd throw in three-dimensional demon characters that you'd grow fond of, but then they'd always go back to that WE KILL DEMONS thing and act like the moral ambiguity wasn't there, and Spike and Anya were lesser beings whose feelings didn't count.

* Bwahahaha, Martha running around undercover while wearing heels. I guess they feel obligated to play up her looks since it's the ONLY THING this actress has going for her.

* Martha Sue really sucks at being undercover. It's a lot harder without a perception filter and a magical space-hopping wrist strap, isn't it, Martha? Maybe UNIT shouldn't be hiring inexperienced people just out of school based on suggestions from insane time traveling aliens? Or is Torchwood's incompetence contagious? Martha caught it within a day.

I like that Jack's confidence is misplaced and the team has to burst in and save her. I'm amused that Owen's known her for twelve hours and already adores her (again with the textbook examples of How to Write a Mary Sue). Oh, and Martha gets Owen killed. Hee! I'm pleased that her Triumphant Return is undercut by his Tragic Death.

* Is Owen really dead? PLEASE LET OWEN BE DEAD. If I never have to look at those frog lips again it will be too soon.

Ashes to Ashes 1x01

* I've had The A-Team theme song stuck in my head all morning. Fuck you, Ashes to Ashes.

* It's like the Beastie Boys' Sabotage video, only with 80s cop shows instead of 70s, and they seem to expect you to take the characters somewhat seriously. Either do a goofy pastiche or do a serious show, but you're undercutting everything by trying to do both.

* It's like the Disney version of Life on Mars. Exaggerate all the over-the-top surface characteristics and completely cut out the heart and soul.

* Gee, I wonder why Sam didn't arrive in 1973 dressed as a prostitute. Can we say exploitation much? It just screams "Hey male demographic, never fear! Don't be threatened by the female lead; just ogle her half dressed form and focus on the real hero, Gene Hunt."

* I'd like Alex so much better if she actually stood up to Gene as an equal instead of letting him um GROPE HER and keeping her mouth shut while he makes sexist remarks.

* Gene is a completely cleaned up goody goody version of himself. Did they forget that on Life on Mars he was frequently the antagonist? Way to totally erase everything that made his character interesting. This is more like a parody version of Gene Hunt than the actual Gene Hunt.

* So if Gene represented Sam's id, what does Gene represent to Alex? Apparently that she wants a big strong Manly Man to swoop in and save her?

* I miss the moral ambiguity and darkness and sepia tones and Sam's genuine sense of aloneness and terror.

* Two things I liked: the 80s computer font at the end, and Gene getting drunk while brooding over his Sam shrine.

* Conclusion: lame, offensive, gross, and I will not sully my brain with another episode of this drivel.

jaydk, am I forgetting anything? As much as it all sucked, at least we had a lot of fun laughing at it.

[Cross-posted to InsaneJournal]

Comments

[herself_nyc]

You summed up my A to A antipathy nicely.
The little blinking green cursor on each page of end credits was the best part. That was clever.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

It's too bad, because I really do like the 80s. And if they just went all out and did a big goofy 80s pastiche I'd probably have fun with it. But doing that A-Team nonsense and then asking me to take Gene and Alex seriously is just too much. (Not to mention them completely ignoring all the racist/sexist/homophobic baggage that Gene brings and that can't just be swept under the table in order to make him the perfect Action Hero).

[mylittleburden.livejournal.com]

those valentine's cards are amazing.
and i always love your tw snark posts. even though i hate them because they make me realize the shitty acting/story-lines...but i put on rose-colored glasses and pretend they don't exist/it's all for the best.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

The most important thing is that the show makes you happy. I can't begrudge anyone that; I know how hard it is to find a fandom that makes you squee.

[mylittleburden.livejournal.com]

yeah. you know it's good when i can look at everything you say, and say "yeah, that's totally true, but i still fucking love it".

[aryas_zehral]

Rose didn't need the Doctor calling in favors to get a job at AU Torchwood! *falls over laughing*

No because her AU Dad ran the place.

I agree with you that Martha was bloody annoying and smug in this. Maybe at UNIT she's not allowed out on the actual field, just at the medical type places, and its just that at Torchwood Jack doesn't give a toss and will just let unqualified people muck about if it serves his end (and he's blind to the fact that they're idiots)?

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Really, Pete runs AU Torchwood? I think I need to try actually paying attention to the show instead of just drooling over the hotness of Tennant. ;P

The point still stands, though, that everyone who bitches about how THE DOCTOR NEVER APPRECIATED MARTHA!! has just lost yet another point in their nonsensical arguments.

at Torchwood Jack doesn't give a toss and will just let unqualified people muck about if it serves his end (and he's blind to the fact that they're idiots)?

It certainly sounds like Jack! That's pretty much the setup of every Torchwood episode....

[frelling-tralk.livejournal.com]

We experiment on aliens in order to help humans. Torchwood: WE KILL ALIENS DEAD. I fail to see the moral superiority of Torchwood here.

Hmm I wondered about that. Especially when I was already really uncomfortable with them basically using the Weevil as muscle on a chain (wtf?), and then that was followed up by Jack trying to pull moral superiority because they don't keep aliens trapped for expermentation. Er no, but you do keep a weevil locked up in a tiny little cage for 24 hours a day!


I'd like Alex so much better if she actually stood up to Gene as an equal instead of letting him um GROPE HER and keeping her mouth shut while he makes sexist remarks.

Alex seems happy to put up with a lot as she's convinced it's not real anyway. Although I'm sure the real reason is so the writers could have all of their sexual harrassment comedy, without the woman actually being uptight enough to complain about it *rollseyes*


I miss the moral ambiguity and darkness and sepia tones and Sam's genuine sense of aloneness and terror.

Guh totally. Alex has a better reason to want to get home even, but aside from mentioning her daughters party occasionally, I don't get even close to the same sense of desperation from her. She's so casual and "air quotes". And then they want to try and make it realistic, when her colleges would clearly find her a complete loon! I know that Sam was kind of like that too, but his first meeting and the culture shock, was explained as having a concussion from the car accident. And Gene was often confused by his attitude because he presumed that Hull had left Sam with really modern ideas. But Sam never openly walked around making annoying comments constantly about how you are just people I've dreamed up (other than with Annie who he trusted) He had to cover up in one episode when he almost got exposed by that criminal, and make out the criminal was just trying to discredit him as a nutter. Whereas Alex really does come across as, not just a bit quirky and odd as Sam did, but not all there from their perspective.


I also miss the scenes of Sam totally cracking up, hugging the tv, or crying as he's about to get shot and the machines switched off. I felt for him so much, whereas A2A seems more build around Gene and Alex as a comedy team. Sam/Gen had their bonding moments sure, and I adored them, but the show primarily worked as an exploration of Sam's journey.

Or as a reviewer put it, Sam was the heart of LOM, and Gene was the balls. A2A needs more feeling behind it

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Especially when I was already really uncomfortable with them basically using the Weevil as muscle on a chain (wtf?), and then that was followed up by Jack trying to pull moral superiority because they don't keep aliens trapped for expermentation.

You're right! I missed that parallel. That makes it even more hilarious.

I'd say "I can't believe they didn't even *try* to rescue the alien test subjects," but it's Torchwood, so of course they didn't try.

Although I'm sure the real reason is so the writers could have all of their sexual harassment comedy, without the woman actually being uptight enough to complain about it

Yeah, that's part of what bothers me. The writers don't even see the sexual harassment as enough of a problem to bother treating it seriously or having Alex take it seriously. Alex feels like one of those female characters written by men who Just Don't Get It.

He had to cover up in one episode when he almost got exposed by that criminal, and make out the criminal was just trying to discredit him as a nutter. Whereas Alex really does come across as, not just a bit quirky and odd as Sam did, but not all there from their perspective.

That's a good point. Sam had to be so much more careful, and the stakes were much higher for him. You don't get anything near the same sense of Alex being in a desperate, precarious position, because she's treating the whole thing like a joke (and the writers are treating the whole thing like a giant A-Team pastiche).

Or as a reviewer put it, Sam was the heart of LOM, and Gene was the balls. A2A needs more feeling behind it

Exactly. It's all the stupid strutting male bullshit and none of the emotional reality.

[frelling-tralk.livejournal.com]

Right, I know they give Gene a lot of homophobic comments to make, and occasional racist ones too, but I definitely get the uncomfortable feeling that it wouldn't be treated as a joke in the same way if Gene was outright degrading a black or a gay person to their face. Yet it was played as comedy when Shaz came up with a decent idea, and Gene was incredibly insulting and sexist towards her. And sexism really shouldn't be treated any more lightly than any other types of prejudice

I remember the writers of LOM said they originally gave Gen really racist language in the first episode of that show, and then just looked at one another shocked and knowing it wouldn't work on tv today. But sexist language, and putting women down, is apparently considered fine for purposes of comedy? One shouldn't be any more or less accepted than the other really

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I remember the writers of LOM said they originally gave Gen really racist language in the first episode of that show, and then just looked at one another shocked and knowing it wouldn't work on tv today. But sexist language, and putting women down, is apparently considered fine for purposes of comedy? One shouldn't be any more or less accepted than the other really

Heh, that's almost an exact quote from emails I've been exchanging with jaydk. I should've realized right there that something was majorly wrong with those writers.

(And then I went into a whole rant about how sexism is now way more culturally acceptable than racism, and how it's perfectly okay for the mainstream media to attack Clinton in blatantly sexist ways when they'd never attack Obama in such blatantly racist ways.)

[jaydk.livejournal.com]

Great post! I think you covered it all. Oh, except for that fascinating part of TW in which our heroes got to sit around and watch Martha's undercover adventures. The lucky ones with dialogue, I mean -- poor Gwen didn't even make it into that particular scene. I did think those contacts with the text messages were cool though. Funny how after they blew out, Martha just kind of wandered in front of the guards and got caught. What was up with her just running out of hiding like that? It is indeed more difficult to be invisible without a perception filter, apparently.

And yeah, to be fair, Rose's dad did run AU Torchwood, so getting in probably was no struggle for her. But! The point remains that it's pretty damn satisfying that Martha has her job all thanks to the Doctor, after hearing endless fan griping about how the Doctor never appreciated her and how Martha is so much better off without him. Uh, yeah, cause he got her a dream job.

You know Owen's not dead. In retrospect, Tosh finally nailing him down for a date was a big giveaway that Something Bad was about to happen. No one ever gets to peacefully date the person they've been longing for on a tv show. Although seriously, did they really have to play Owen as all over Martha in the *very same* episode in which he agreed to go out with Tosh? How flattering to Tosh. The power of the Martha Sue cannot be denied.

I think Martha's action!heels fit in better on Torchwood than DW, cause I think Gwen and Tosh are often running around in their heels as well. It was DW where the Doctor in sneaks set the standard, so Martha in heels always seemed silly to me.

I have to say, after watching AtA a second time, I do think they're deliberately presenting a take-off of over-the-top 80s cop/action shows. The problem is they don't write Alex's role with enough strength. Half the time she makes a sarcastic comment or observation, and the other half she says nothing or gets swept up in what she should be putting down. She's gotta knee Gene in the groin when he gropes her breast, for heaven's sake.

Even if they were doing the satire right, the story would still be less compelling than Life On Mars, because there was so much depth to that story and Gene Hunt was treated with a critical eye, not hero worship. It just feels shallow compared to LoM -- I don't just miss Sam, I miss Sam's complexity and the strength of his character. And Alex doing it all for her kid -- what a cliched motivation for a female character. Yet I love Phillip Glenister, so I will probably watch more, darn it.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Oh, except for that fascinating part of TW in which our heroes got to sit around and watch Martha's undercover adventures.

Yes, the main characters were literally sidelined so that the Mary Sue could be the center of attention. Torchwood gives me the constant feeling that someone dug up old Buffy badfic, changed the names, and decided to film it as a TV show.

Martha just kind of wandered in front of the guards and got caught. What was up with her just running out of hiding like that?

I like your theory about it being an example of Martha's arrogance (OMG a flaw?!) but really I think it's just another example of sloppy Torchwood writing. Like when Suzie was trying to escape onto a slow-moving ferry as if the team couldn't possibly follow her once she got on it.

Rose's dad did run AU Torchwood

I totally had to look that up. My own fault for being drunk both times I watched that episode, I guess. But, yeah, the point still stands that it makes the crazy Martha fans look even more ridiculous.

Tosh finally nailing him down for a date was a big giveaway that Something Bad was about to happen

Yeah, and it's such a Joss Whedon cliche. Torchwood continues to be a mix of BtVS and AtS as if the writers had taken a lot of crack and gotten lobotomies.

She's gotta knee Gene in the groin when he gropes her breast, for heaven's sake.

Now THAT I would've liked. Alex feels to me like a female character written by men who Just Don't Get It.

I do think they're deliberately presenting a take-off of over-the-top 80s cop/action shows.

Yeah, the end literally did result in me having the A-Team theme stuck in my head. They were just doing a pastiche, which was funny (like how the machine guns never seem to fatally kill anyone) but then do they actually want us to care that Alex is trying to get back to her daughter? Because either you're doing a goofy 80s pastiche for us to laugh at, or else you want us to be seriously emotionally invested in the characters, but the two really don't fit together.

I don't just miss Sam, I miss Sam's complexity and the strength of his character.

I know. That's what I mean when I say I miss Sam. He was a three-dimensional character with flaws and conflicts and a real journey. And you truly felt for him, trapped in this insane world. Alex herself doesn't take it seriously, so how is the audience supposed to take it seriously on her behalf?

And Alex doing it all for her kid -- what a cliched motivation for a female character.

Yes. More proof that she's a female character written by men who really don't understand women. If you're going to write a female lead, you could at least try to come up with something honest and real, instead of a bunch of cliches strung together. (*still can't believe that they had her appear in 1981 dressed as a prostitute*)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Bounced over here from shapinglight's journal, and can I just point out that so far I pretty much agree with every word of your AtA rant? I was hoping I was just being pessimistic after the first episode, but the second was as if they read your post and decided "Hey, that's exactly what we're going for! Hey, Keeley, how do you feel about offering to get spanked on Gene's desk?" And the last bit isn't even me exaggerating. Geez.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Man, that's depressing. I'm sad that the LoM franchise has degenerated so badly; I just did a rewatch and the first season of LoM is nearly perfect.

My new theory is that Ashes to Ashes is an unintentional attempt to illustrate the concept of the "male gaze" in action. >:(

[beck-liz.livejournal.com]

Martha's got a magical super mutated immune system! Could she possibly be more of a textbook Mary Sue?

To be perfectly fair, if she's got the mutated immune system, so does Rose, Mickey, Sarah Jane, Jo Grant, Barbara & Ian, etc. And of course Jack would too if his immune system wasn't already boosted to the max. :-)